*RoleModel is an interview series highlighting badass individuals we look up to. Photos by Marc Harris Miller. 

 

Lindsay Dye is an artist and sex worker—maybe you’ve seen her smashing a cake with her ass on Instagram?

The multi-faceted performer is primarily known for her webcam work, in which lucky audience members pay for a virtual seat to see Dye perform a series of sexual deeds. Behind the shock factor is a wildy intelligent 30 year-old woman who exercises complete autonomy over her body and career. Badass, indeed.

 

How do you sexually identify, if you’re comfortable telling me?

Lindsay: I identify as a queer person. And that actually is something that I’ve never talked about in an interview before. I’m always a part of queer-positive [events], but I’ve actually never said it out loud in an interview. So it’s new for me.

 

Well I’m glad that we can be the ones to put that out there. For those that don’t know you or know what you do, how would you describe what you do?

I see myself as having many different jobs. My main work—the way I make money and support myself—is by working as a webcam model.

What webcamming has given me, though, is the juice for my artwork. While I’m a webcam model, I’ve ventured into new territory of performance art. Camming brought me to cake-sitting, and I think that’s how most people see my job title, as a cake-sitter. As if that’s the only thing I do, and the number one way I make money and highest grossing element of my work. But, it’s not. I still have to cam, I still participate in other forms of sex work, I still sell my art on the side. Short answer: sex worker artist.

 

Yeah, you’re like a multi-disciplinary renaissance woman! 

But they all feed into each other. The camming feeds into the art-making, that feeds into the caming. I need that circularity.

 

Are your parents chill with your career choice?

So I’ve been doing this for about six years now, and they weren’t. It has only really been through notoriety that I’ve received the respect I feel like I deserve from them in this career. Which is kinda sad [that] they can’t just take my word for it. But we’ve reached a level where we can talk about it, and I send them links to everything I’m doing. There’s a sense of pride from them—that I’ve taken this job that usually has so much shame attached to it, and I’ve been very unashamed and vocal. Like they didn’t know what the term “sex work” meant. So I got to be the teacher of what sex work is and what it can be and what it’s not.

 

Do you have any words of wisdom for people in a similar career who struggle with the judgement of others? 

Well, I’ve never been afraid to lose a relationship. You can’t shame me if I’m not ashamed. It’s something you just have to hold in yourself. It is sticking to your guns and not changing your path or manipulating yourself for anyone else. Just because my parents were uncomfortable with it or didn’t approve—I didn’t stop. It’s persistence. 

 

What would you say is the biggest misconception when it comes to what you do?

That it’s all sex. It’s totally not. Especially with camming, it’s like 75% a waiting game. You’re waiting for the right person, the right time, the right amount of money. Even with cake-sitting shows, I’m thinking about the time of day, who am I gonna interact with. I’m thinking about other peoples’ schedules, outfits I need to order, flavors of cake—all these logistical things that aren’t sexual.

 

Was it uncomfortable when you first started camming?

I feel like in the beginning and there were no how-to’s or forums or threads about how to access your chat room, how to talk to people. When I started, I pretended that I didn’t have audio because I was so nervous. It took me about a month to fess up that I actually did have audio, and [that] I could verbally speak to them. I was just typing to them in the beginning, because how would one know how to run a chat room?

 

I’m sure talking is much more intimate than typing.

Absolutely, and not knowing who’s listening, and how I’m being perceived. I still don’t know that now, but I have watched myself on camera enough at this point that I know my voice, I know my body, I know every angle, I know the conversations I am willing to have. [I have] so much experience in it now that it’s totally organic and natural, but in the beginning it totally was not. Definitely a learning curve and [I wish I] could have taken a class to figure out how to be a better cam model.

 

Do you ever think about how many people online fantasize about having sex with you? 

I don’t. There’s definitely a power imbalance in person. With men and women walking down the street and being in public, I feel a power imbalance, I feel unsafe. When I’m on the internet and I’m camming, it is a mutual exchange. I’m participating because I want be here and I’m profiting off of this participation. I feel powerful on the internet, because I do it in a setting where [the exchange] is comfortable and it is mutual. That internet fantasy I’m okay with because that’s mine. That’s why I’m doing it.

 

Can you kick people off of a chat? Do you have any boundaries for your chatroom?

There is a definite ban button, you can ban someone immediately. You can even let them watch you but they cannot speak. Or you can ignore them for a certain amount of time, like kick them out of your room for 24 hours, or do a lifetime ban and they’ll never be allowed back in your room.

It’s not something I use a lot because there’s not as many trolls as you would think in these chat rooms. You have to make an account, and if you’re making an account, you have to buy tokens. If you’re buying tokens, that means you want to support the people that you’re tipping. So the troll factor is almost nonexistent. [But] I’ve had really intense political conversations where it gets to a certain point where it’s not going anywhere and it’s like ban!

 

How did you get involved with cake sitting?

It started in my chat room. I’ve told this story, but no one’s ever published it because it’s strange. I was sent a private message and asked to sit on my cat and suffocate my cat. Obviously I didn’t do it—but this lead to researching crushing fetishes. I knew that this was not something like trolling, this was an honest question, someone was gonna pay me to do it.

So… crushing and sitting fetishes are a thing, and crushing and sitting fetishes, with small insects to small animals, is also a thing. But within this I found wet and messy play, which is sitting and playing with and soaking yourself with different types of food and liquids and substances. While researching one kind of morbid fetish, I found a more humorous fetish that I could actually act out in my chat room. I [also] thought it would be really beautiful, aesthetically, to sit on something that is sculptural and leaving an imprint or having some type of color exchange on my skin. There was something artistic about it. No one was asking me, “Hey, will you sit on a cake for me?” I kind of forced it upon them and was like, okay I have this dark experience and I want to see if y’all will be into this lighter, but still sexual fetish.

 

Have you ever felt judged in your dating life because of your career?

Yes. I am seen as 100 percent novelty, like I wanna have sex with you because you’re either a camgirl, a cake-sitter, an artist, but I do not want a relationship with a camgirl, a cake-sitter, an artist. I don’t date. I don’t have long term relationships anymore, where I very much did before I participated in any type of sex work or my art being so sexually charged. It’s become less important, and the intimacy that I have comes from my relationships with people in my chat room and other sex workers that are friends. It comes from my community now. 

 

Now for some fun questions. Dating apps or in real life?

Oh my gosh. They’re both kind of hard for me.*laughs* I’m gonna say IRL.

 

Hand job or oral?

Definitely oral.

 

Sub or dom?

I mean, I’m a sub, and I like to dom-ed.

 

Favorite position?

It’s been so long, Eileen—can that be my answer? Actually masturbating.

 

Sex on the first date or no?

I’ve never not had sex on the first date.

 

How do you let someone know you like them?

I’d probably make fun of them.

 

Have you ever hooked up with someone from a DM?

Actually yeah, I’m gonna change my answer to the first question. It’s not dating apps, it’s not IRL—it’s definitely DMs. That’s some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

 

Have you ever sent a DM trying to hook up with someone, or is it more like you receive them and then…?

I’m on the receiving end. I haven’t found it necessary to send or I haven’t gone through with it because I’m such a sub. I like to be pursued.

 

Do you send nudes? Like non-work related?

*laughs* No, because it feels wrong not to receive money for it.

 

Do you have any advice on taking nudes?

Interesting. Yeah, lighting. I have a blue light in my room that diffuses all cellulite. I don’t know if that’s just on me, but you can get an LED blue light strip, and it’s kind of like PhotoShop. I do not cam or take selfies or nudes without this neon-fluorescent blue light. It just makes everything look perfect.

 

How do you deal with rejection?

That’s something that I actually learned to deal with in my chat room. I have been told the absolute worst things about myself in my chat room.

 

What?!

But I’ve been told the absolute best things, so I know that there are people who aren’t attracted to me, and I know that there are people that are attracted to me. I don’t feel it as a rejection, it just is.

 

That’s a really mature way to look at it.

But also it’s the truth.

 

But I think a lot of people live in that denial zone.

I think that people want to be attractive to everyone, but you’re never gonna fulfill that, so why focus on something that you can never fulfill? There’s so much time lost in that. Focus on the people that are [attracted] to you. 

 

Do you have people who return to your chat room?

I have people in my chat room from like day one that I’ve known for six years, since I started. I have people that I go out to drinks with and have completely platonic relationships with. Like I mentioned before, the intimacy in my life literally comes from my chat room. These people have become my IRL friends, because it’s like going out to drinks after work with your coworkers. It’s a no-judgement thing, also.

 

How do you get it to that point, can you walk me through the process?

I’m thinking about one person in particular. We have the same taste in music, and we send each other Spotify links all day. Once I realize a person is gonna keep tipping me and we get along, I don’t have a problem giving someone whose been so supportive of me my phone number and communicating outside of the chatroom. [But] it takes a long time, it’s not as quick as meeting someone in person. They’re just as tentative as I am. They don’t want their information shared; there’s a trust that has been build. There’s an honest friendship that might stem from masturbating together. Just because you did that doesn’t mean you can’t send a cool song to me later on. 

 

It’s a different level of intimacy.

Yeah, and it’s like a relationship that hasn’t been defined yet, because camming hasn’t been around that long. The duality of a relationship, it’s like a friends with benefits type thing, but for the internet?

 

Do you ever feel like there’s a lot of shame on the other side? I think it’d be interesting if you could talk to everyone about how they’re feeling and ask them their reason for camming.

I feel like the people that are in my room are just horny, and/or wanna chat. I feel like it’s almost old school to say that people that seek out this type of relationship are ashamed or socially unaware. Like no, I just think it’s a different interaction. There’s a certain amount of confidence you have to have to engage with a person performing on the internet, because camming with someone is a step further than porn. If you wanna attach shame to it and just get it done, then go on a free site and watch some illegally downloaded shit. When you go on a cam site you are choosing to interact with someone, you’re choosing to pay someone. I actually think there’s pride in it—which is really special. I’m not naive in thinking that there’s no fetish attached to giving someone money for a sexual exchange, but I also think there is pride in it.

 

What is something that you’re hopeful for? 

The current political climate sucks—it is actually targeting sex workers and the sex industry, which in turn has given sex workers and the sex industry a huge boost and bigger platform to speak about what we do. So even in this negativity, we’re more visible and I think we’re being humanized. That’s light to me. We’re getting shit-on, but people can see us and there’s more conversation being had and I think people care more. I think that’s the positivity in it that I can lend. I feel like I have a voice right now.

 

 

Every week our writers share a bit of themselves with you. Inspired by their vulnerability, we sat some of our core team members down for an intimate interview.

We chatted with Bri Scripture, our in-house graphic designer who generates  visuals for the website, social media, and Killer And A Sweet Thang’s events. She is currently studying design in New York City, and in addition to her 2D work, she’s begun to explore animation and motion graphics.

 

Where are you from originally?

Bri: Richmond, Virginia.

 

Do you think your family dynamic growing up has influenced your work in any way?

I think it really informed my relationships now. How I view my future and myself with other people because of growing up with a single mom, and not really having any men around for my most formative years. It being my mom and I, that’s a lot of femme energy. I think definitely not having to answer to any men and not having a father figure, that has changed the way that I act and things that I care about. I think that I probably have daddy issues, which is a recent development.

 

I mean, it’s part of growing up where you’re just like, ‘I have baggage!’

You know how people always make fun of daddy issues? And I’m like, Oh wait though… 

 

How did you get involved in KAAST?

Through social media, which really speaks to how KAAST works. I’d been following both @birds.bees and Eileen and there was a post about needing help and I’d always been interested in this type of work so I thought, why not?

 

Can you tell the readers a little bit about what you do for Killer And A Sweet Thang?

I feel like it started out as just finding content, but as it turns out there was a space for me to be doing design, which is my biggest passion, and being able to use my design for the causes that I care about. This is such a small team so we all have to play a bigger role, but mainly I do graphic design.

 

What’s your favorite part about graphic design?

I think my favorite part is when I’m on the computer and—this is a blessing and a curse—you can do anything that you want. You have all these tools. 

 

Now some fun stuff. Do you prefer dating apps or IRL?

In real life.

 

Handjob or oral?

Oral.

 

Sub or dom?

Sub.

 

Sex on the first date?

It depends, but I’m in favor.

 

What turns you on?

Big dick energy, humor.

 

How would you define big dick energy?

I would say big dick energy is just like confidence in who you are. [BDE] can manifest itself in many different ways, and it’s ok if you don’t have it, I don’t have it. I don’t have big dick energy. It’s fine. I took a quiz and it told me I didn’t, so.

 

What! Where is the quiz?

I was a zero percent on Buzzfeed.

 

No, you did not get zero percent?

I got a whole zero. 

 

What turns you off?

Someone that’s super conservative. When we don’t vibe, if I don’t feel comfortable around you—that’s a turnoff for me. 

 

Have you ever been ghosted or ghosted someone?

Yes, it’s a bad habit.

 

Which way?

Me ghosting somebody.

 

Why did you ghost somebody?

Sometimes I’m just really bad at confrontation, for whatever reason, and then I feel so guilty that I just have to run away.

 

Have you ever been ghosted?

Yes, but then I always receive clarity at some point. I seek out clarification of the ghosting.

 

Do you like dirty talk?

Yeah. I think it’s necessary, for me.

 

Do you send nudes?

Circumstantially.

 

What a concise answer. Do you have any advice on taking them?

I think what’s most important is not forcing it. If you’re feeling sensual, if you’re feeling yourself, that’s the perfect time. But if you’re not feeling good about yourself that day—and that’s totally fine—then maybe it’s not the day for it. But I think feeling comfortable, feeling good, working your angles. Just get that shot, ya know?

 

What’s the worst thing a former partner has said to you?

The thing that probably hurt the most was being told that I was a different and changed person in a bad way.

 

And how did you respond to that?

I felt more like that was his problem. In retrospect, maybe I was kind of being someone that wasn’t true to myself, but that wasn’t necessarily his place to say that about me. I was like, whatever you’re thinking, that’s just what you’re deflecting onto me. I just think you don’t like the person I am now.

 

Do you find it hard to connect to people in the digital age?

Yeah. It feels like so often it’s the source of all our confusion. So much is based on if somebody texted you back and how they texted you back. This whole digital thing, it’s like we’ve got two versions of life. I think it complicates things, especially with relationships and dating.

 

 

How do you deal with rejection?

I do not take it well at all. I have this whole thing, and I’m trying to work on this, where I’m like, who would reject me? What’s wrong with me? So I have this new perspective that how people feel about you sometimes has nothing to do with you. It’s just their perspective that they’ve placed on you. So I try to let go.

 

Do you have any advice on letting go? 

Sometimes you just have to continue telling yourself to get over it until it happens. With social media—unfollowing, muting, whatever you need to do—because the little reminders can make it so much worse. Just accepting the rejection over and over. Like it’s fine, that’s what that person thinks, and there’s nothing I can do about that.

 

Have you ever lied to get out of a sexual situation?

Yes, countless.

 

Can you give us one of the lies you’ve used?

I feel like they’re all pretty regular, like sometimes I’m like, “Oh I started cooking before I left, so I need to go finish my noodles.” I’ve said that before.

 

Really? Like you’ve insinuated that you’ve left on the boiler?

I guess that’s what I was saying. I was like, “Oh, I started cooking,” and I was nearby so it maybe made sense.

 

Why do you think you felt the need to lie?

Sometimes it’s a pure defense thing. You feel [as though] this person is not going to let off unless you have a real reason. Sometimes it’s hard to be assertive, or you want to turn them down now but you want them to know you’re still open to it in the future. I think often it’s just me having a hard time articulating how I feel.

 

Would you say you’re a good kisser?

Honestly, I don’t even know. Sometimes I feel like I’m killing it and sometimes I’m like, Oh, no. 

 

What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever done in bed? And you can plead the fifth if you want to.

I’m pleading the fifth.

 

Have you ever been in love?

I think so.

 

Have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes.

 

How did you get over it?

Honestly, I feel like, do we ever get over heartbreak? I don’t know if we ever do.

 

So there’s some people out there you’re still thinking about?

Yeah. I never have a linear healing process. It’s always all over the place. Some days I feel like I’m good, and then some days I’m like, Oh no, this is totally repressed and I need to handle it.

 

Do you have any advice for young people navigating dating and sex in 2018?

My biggest thing is to follow your gut instinct, be as transparent as possible, and to always put yourself first. And don’t ever question your value and your worth at the hands of someone else.  

 

Every week our writers share a bit of themselves with you. Inspired by their vulnerability, we sat some of our core team members down for an intimate interview.

We talked to our head of editorial, who, with a small army of seven copy editors, curates and oversees all of Killer And A Sweet Thang’s written content. Jacob Seferian is a 22 year-old journalist, whose work has appeared in over ten publications, including V Magazine, Polyester Zine, and Alt Citizen. He’s been working with KAAST since 2016.

 

Where are you from?

Jacob: I’m originally from Houston, Texas.

 

What kind of influence would you say that’s had on you, especially with the work you do?

I grew up in a more conservative state, and a big reason I got involved with KAAST was [because] growing up I had no access to any sort of queer sexual Ed. There were questions about assplay that weren’t answered for me, so I chose to go to Yahoo Answers and porn. When I lost my virginity, I got a hemorrhoid. I saw this bump on the outside of my asshole and I was like, I have anal herpes. But it turns out, I didn’t. That was a big turning point for me because I [realized] I don’t know anything, and if I don’t know anything, I’m sure there’s other little queer babies out there who don’t know anything either.

 

How did you get involved in KAAST?

About two years ago, my friend tagged me in a post that said Killer And A Sweet Thang is looking for writers. I wrote, still to date, one of the most personal pieces I’ve ever written about my body image in relation to having sex and sent it over. Eileen and her team really liked it and contacted me. From there, I started working with you guys on a submission basis, and then moved up to editor, and now we’re at the configuring we’re at now.

 

You were recently in school. What advice would you give for people trying to get to a similar place in their career?  

Work hard! Cultivate a talent and a skill and become really good at it. I feel I did the opposite of what my university told me to do. They said you have to become really good at all these different moving parts of the digital age: you have to be a designer, a graphics person, you have to code… you won’t ever get work as just a writer. And I said, “That’s cute. I’m gonna try.” Throughout school I was working constantly and I’d just send things out. More important than getting published, it gave me the chance to practice. So I guess my advice to anyone is hone a skill, find what you love and work really hard at it.

 

Do you have any big inspirations?

Grace Jones. I think she’s just absolutely incredible, and I think the progressiveness she brought to the dialogue surrounding sexual identity was so before its time. Even cooler than the fact that it was so before it’s time is [that] when you watch interviews with her, she has no idea she’s being radical! And my friends. Is that corny? I’m inspired by the people around me, constantly.

 

Let’s go to some rapid fire questions. Dating apps or IRL?

In real life, but I think, unfortunately, a lot of the men I meet are via dating apps.

 

Handjob or oral?

Oral.

 

Sub or dom?

Sub.

 

Do you have a favorite position?

I like missionary. I like to look at people’s faces, that way you know they’re not thinking about anyone else.

 

Do you have a least favorite position?

Any position I’m uncomfortable in.

 

Sex on the first date?

Absolutely.

 

What turns you on?

Kindness, sense of humor… oh, I want to scratch those! Those are important but the biggest turn on to me, hands down, is when you’re talking to somebody and they’re really listening to you, and it doesn’t seem like they’re thinking about what they’re going to say next, they’re just fully in the moment. That makes me so wet.

 

What turns you off? 

Not being able to admit that you’re wrong, stubbornness. Refusing to apologize really bugs me, and taking yourself too seriously. *groans*

 

Have you ever been ghosted or ghosted someone?

Yes and yes.

 

How do you let someone know that you’re into them?

I usually tell them. I have Scorpio sex eyes, so you kind of know when I’m into you.

 

How do you practice safer sex in your more casual hook-ups, do you have a way of bringing up you want to use protection?

There have been times where I haven’t used condoms, and I’m not proud of it, but those moments are rare. I tell people flat out, “You can’t enter me if you don’t have protection.” I think there’s a lasting stigma with HIV and AIDS within the queer community that really makes people respect [using condoms]. It’s kind of built into our cultural dialogue, more so maybe than hetero couples.

 

How would you describe Grindr to your Grandma?

A place for young men to meet. *laughs* That’s all grandma gets!

 

Any other thoughts on Grindr?

I think it is a meat market, in every sense of the term. My friend always says, “If you spend two hours on Grindr… it delivers.” It’s really interesting that Grindr operates in sexual absolutism that way. Like you’re probably going to get laid on Grindr if you spend enough time on there. Which can’t be said for any other area of your life.

 

How do you think that relates to casual sex and the queer community as a whole?

There’s this huge thing about queer promiscuity in relation to perceived heterosexual promiscuity. People just think queer people are fucking each other way more than straight people are. But I think there’s a cultural context for that. When the act of sex is demonized and outlawed, the act becomes so radical. People love to throw the false phrase around, “Men are hornier than women, so when there’s two men involved…” I think that negates the cultural significance of being able to have sex with whoever you want. That’s a very powerful, political tool, and a right that is not allotted to everyone.

.

Do you think social media and these apps makes intimacy harder to come by? 

Yes and no. I do think there are more obstacles in our way to connection than there were, but I don’t think humans want it any less.

 

How does Jacob Seferian deal with rejection?

I’d say OK. I’d say physical rejection I deal with fairly well. [But] recently, I dealt with a more emotional rejection. I was seeing this guy and we technically broke things off mutually, but over time I realized he had pulled away beforehand. I felt like I had autonomy in that situation, but then in the months that followed I had to come terms with [the fact that] I was ready to take this relationship to the next level and he wasn’t. And I felt really emotionally rejected because of that, and that was much deeper for me. And I didn’t take that well… a lot of drinking and partying, sorry mom!

 

Can you describe the best sex of your life?

Yes. He lived in a peach-colored room.

 

Have you ever felt empty after sex?

Oh yeah, all time the time! *laughs* But I usually think it’s more personal than anything else. I’ve had sexual experiences where I’ve hooked up with a guy, and it was all fun and dandy, but I realized afterwards that I didn’t really want to be with someone else, I just wanted someone to want me in that moment. And that makes me feel a little empty… but I think I’m pretty kind to myself. Like I’m 22. I’m allowed to make mistakes, as long as I do so safely and I don’t violate myself or anyone else.

 

*Photo of Jacob by Kayla Roolaart. 

Killer And A Sweet Thang originated as Eileen Kelly’s high school Tumblr account. Growing up in a conservative Catholic community in Seattle with a single dad, she didn’t have many people to talk to about puberty or sexual health. Forced to figure out the answers to important questions on her own, she would often turn to her peers or the internet. But everything she found online seemed to be written from a solely clinical point of view. 

Tired of watching herself and peers struggle with sexual situations, in the spring of 2016 she set out to create the platform she felt her community lacked. In only two years her little website has grown into a full-fledged movement, racking up over 3 million page views and counting!

Inspired by our writers’ vulnerability, we figured it was only fair we let you get to know a little more about the team behind KAAST. So we sat our very own founder and CEO down for a little chat!

 

Where are you from?

Eileen: I’m from Seattle, Washington.

 

And what influence did growing up there have on you today?

People in Seattle are a very unique breed… the outdoors are very important.  I would say everyone [in Seattle] is pretty down to earth, which was nice to grow up around and be surrounded by that energy. But at the same time I think it’s a much slower pace,  so I was always itching to get out of there.

 

How old were you when you moved to New York?

I moved to New York when I was 17.

 

What was that like?

Crazy! I moved right after I graduated high school. I lived alone, actually, and barely knew anyone. I think spending as much time as I did alone and in my head had a lot of influence on where [the idea for Killer And A Sweet Thang] stemmed from.

 

Can you talk a little bit about your family dynamic growing up?

I have three siblings, they’re all older—so I’m the baby of the family. My mom passed away when I was young, so I grew up with a single dad. [Since] my siblings were all out of the house by the time I entered high school, and my dad traveled a lot for work, so once again… a shit ton of alone time during [those] really young and formative years. At the time, maybe [that] bothered me a lot more and maybe I felt neglected in some ways, but as I’ve gotten older I really appreciate [growing up as I did], because I think it really shaped my personality and ability to start my own motor.

 

How do you think your experiences growing up have influenced your work today?

Oh, I mean I think it has everything to do with the work I do—especially the part of growing up without an adult female figure in my life. I really had no one close to me to talk about sexual things or puberty, so I felt extra alone in those topics. I think it just pushed me to be like, Okay, for other people who felt that immense kind of murkiness, why isn’t there a resource for them to figure out the answer to these questions that aren’t from a medical point of view? So [KAAST] is as if you’re talking to someone, like the older sister or mom you wished you had.

 

Dating apps or meeting people IRL?

Meeting people in real life.

 

Sub or dom?

I think it depends on the situation.

 

How do you sexually identify?

I guess I technically identify as bisexual. But I don’t really love the label. My sexuality is so firmly unique to me, as is everyone’s, that I feel like I’m succumbing to someone [else’s] view of it by having to label my own sexuality. For some people it can be incredibly empowering to label themselves, but personally, I don’t feel that way.

 

Sex on the first date—yes or no?

Personally, no.

 

What turns you on in a partner?

I like people who are outgoing, funny. I like people’s energy. I also like motivated people more than any physical quality.

 

What turns you off in a partner?

Not having confidence. I think it’s really sexy when someone’s confident in what they’re doing, and has the ability to ask you, “does this feel good?” But I also think that’s the Leo in me speaking! *laughs*

 

Have you ever ghosted someone? 

I think I’m too nice to fully ghost someone.

 

Have you ever been ghosted?

Yes, I have.

 

How did that make you feel?

Shitty. But also at the same time, I feel like at the end of the day I’m like, this is your issue and not mine. If you don’t have the emotional maturity to just tell me, “This isn’t working.” Then, that’s not really my problem.

 

That’s a very well adjusted viewpoint. Good for you!

I mean at the time it definitely hurt, and you’re like I want to smash a window! But I think afterwards you’re like why am I wasting my time? There’s so many people out there to experience that I don’t need to mope on one person. It’s part of being human, it’s okay for not everyone to be attracted to you and vice versa. And that’s just something we need to accept.

 

How do you show someone you like them?

I’m very straightforward. Even how I met my current boyfriend, I approached him at the bar. I thought he was attractive, and I walked right up to him.

 

What did you say? 

I think I waved at him? And kind of like waved [a] come-over-here-you-can-talk-to-me-I’m-down type of thing. And then we started making out.

 

Can you talk a little bit about some of the DMs you get?

I would say I get crazier DMs if I post a more sensual photograph. So, I feel like on some level I’m prepared for what I’m going to receive because I know what I just posted. The other day I got a dick pic… I hadn’t gotten one of those in a long time. That was a little startling. If I asked for it? Sure. But I didn’t.

 

Would you say men tend to DM you more than women?

Women probably DM me more. It’s going to be only men who DM me sexually—actually, that’s not true. Some girls have said they have girl crushes on me or they wanna hook up.

 

Who do the aggressive messages normally come from?

Men. Hands down. I would say [with the] women, they want advice on very specific situations—which is really awesome, but at the same time, it’s a lot of pressure. Because I don’t know you, and I don’t know the whole situation. Sometimes I just don’t really know how to answer [them]. I can’t tell you how to live your life.

 

Have you ever hooked up with someone who DMed you first?

I’ve DMed someone and hooked up with them, does that count? I said, “I heard you have a big dick, can I get a pic?”

 

And he was receptive?

He was receptive. We did end up hooking up. [But] I would say that was more of a situation where we had mutual friends. It wasn’t someone who was completely random. I was newly single and was playing around and sent it.

 

Do you send nudes?

Maybe in a long-term relationship? But not super explicit nudes. I’m kind of paranoid about my iCloud getting hacked one day.

 

That’s fair. Do you have phone sex ever?

I like sexting. Honestly I could go into a side career of writing literotica.

 

What’s the worst thing a former partner has ever said to you?

Oh my god, I probably blocked it out! [However] I found these old texts with an ex-boyfriend the other day, because I was cleaning out my computer. And he called me heartless bitch. But I guess that’s not even that bad.

I had one person, way after the fact, say that [he] never loved [me]. But I knew that wasn’t true.

 

What’s something really dope that a former partner said to you? 

I always find it nice when they compliment what I do. For someone who’s been so active on the internet, I feel jaded in some sense if they tell me I’m attractive or certain things. I’m like, I hear this from a lot of strangers on the internet… so it doesn’t feel as special.

 

Do you find it harder to connect to people in this digital age?
Yes, because I think it’s one thing to be intimate over the internet, and it’s an entirely different phenomenon to be intimate in person.

 

Text or call?

Call. I’m actually a caller.

 

Have you ever been with someone who wasn’t that great in bed—if so, how did you handle the situation?

I wouldn’t say someone who’s been bad in bed, necessarily, but more so inexperienced. Something that’s really great about my job is I have a lot of practice communicating and talking about sex. So that’s something I have no problem doing in the bedroom, as well. No matter how comfortable or not comfortable I am with someone. *winks*

 

Do you think social media makes it harder to be monogamous and focus on one person?
Yes. It’s this idea that there’s so many more options out there. I think [social media has made] monogamy a lot more muddled, like [when] they’re liking or DMing other people on the internet… is that emotional cheating? Like what is cheating anymore? I feel we don’t have these distinct lines of what cheating really means, so we can’t have them about monogamy.

 

Have you ever felt empty after having sex?

When I was younger I used to really heavily connect love and sex, and I think that was [from] waiting to only have sex with my first boyfriend. And from that point on, for multiple partners, I only had sex with people I seriously dated. And that’s something I’ve been trying to outgrow. That put me in the position to revisit and have sex with exes—because I felt like that was more comfortable or more safe than going out and finding a new partner.

Which now, looking back at it, I don’t know if it was the best thing for me emotionally.

I would say that sometimes revisiting ex-boyfriends and having sex with them made me feel kind of empty. We’re here because we’re comfortable, and we’re here because we’re having sex… but it’s not the same as it was, and I don’t know if I [was] ready for that.

 

Have you ever been heartbroken?

Yeah. I’ve never been broken up with, though, I’ve always broken up with people. I would say a few of my breakups felt very devastating at the time. It was the situation where it was like, I’m leaving but at the same time I’m breaking my own heart.

 

And how did you get over that?

I think time.

 

Can you name a sexual fantasy you have?

I would love to have a threesome with a long-term partner. I’ve only ever had them where I was the random—or not even random, but I was the one who wasn’t in the relationship.

 

I hope your boyfriend reads this.

We’ve talked about it…

 

Do you have any advice for dating?

Just remembering there’s a lot of people out there. I think as young people we tend to get hung up on one person if they’re not into us, and just remember it’s okay that you’re not into everyone—so why aren’t others allowed the same? And just being safe and confident in your needs.

 

Has it ever been difficult to date with your public persona?

I get asked this on panels, and I always say I wouldn’t be attracted to someone who isn’t into what I do. But it has been an issue when I was younger… It is so funny, because there’s a specific type of guy I know [who] would be the type of guy who likes all my photos, comments, DMs me a dick pic, and would maybe wanna sleep with me but would never want to date with. Ya know, it’s the mother [versus] the whore type vibe?

I would say it has brought out some of people that I’ve dated insecurities, from watching other guys be into me or just people online, and that [can] make them feel some type of way… but I just try to set this overview and a reminder of like, Listen, I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t want to be with you.

 

In the last 6 months, the world has seen an outpouring of stories related to the #MeToo movement. Countless men have been exposed as men who rape, men who assault, men who coerce, men who use the power of their money, fame, and gender to have sex.

Media outlets have tried to explore every angle of these stories — should the victim be believed, will his career be destroyed, how many women will come forward? At the core of all these questions, another remains unanswered: how could it be that men, so many of them revered and loved, be sexual abusers?

It’s easy to label the Harvey Weinstein’s of the world as monsters — they were deliberate about their abuse, it was calculated, and the evidence of their guilt is detailed and overwhelmingly plentiful. But what about the “woke baes” and the Aziz Ansari’s of the #MeToo movement, whose stories appear more like a breakdown of communication than a calculated and willful assault?

Bailey & Lucas

What does consent mean to you?  

L: I think consent is being open with somebody, and you know, in that moment having the same interests sexually.

B: Yeah, going off that , I think it’s being open to someone else’s opinion of what is “right” but also being open to hearing that and not shutting it down — being able to step back in the moment and be like “whats going on” and just take a second to think more about what the other person feels and what the vibe is… like, is this a good thing or a bad thing and also remembering to check in with yourself.

Is consent sexy? Can it be?

B: I think so.

L: I think so too. Bailey wanting me sexually, I find that sexy.

B: Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say… I think knowing that you want each other sexually is a super important thing, making each other feel like you want what’s coming, I think that builds up the moment even more.  I totally think that’s awesome.

L: A big part of it for me, is Bailey enjoying what we’re doing and that’s when I enjoy it most…

B: I also feel like a part of building up that, sort of sexy feeling might be sexting or whatever — which in some cases, could be a form of consent but in other cases, you might just be doing that for fun and not consenting to anything else. This stuff can go either way and I think a lot of behavior that could be seen as consent isn’t and also vice versa.  It’s definitely a blurred line.

What is wrong with how consent is being performed in today’s sexual landscape?

B: I think in the heat of the moment, a lot of people don’t want to sit and be formal and ask a bunch of questions. But there is totally a way to incorporate consent into the build up of everything. Even if it’s just to take a minute and look at each other and be like, “Are we good, is this okay?”

Bernie & Isabelle

What does consent mean to you?

I: Consent means giving attention and care to oneself and one’s partner. I think consent requires personal reflection and reflexivity, as well as patience, and attentiveness… I don’t think it’s enough to simply ask your partner what they want or feel comfortable with… it is also about creating an environment for each of you to identify your own feelings and feel empowered in communicating them.

What role does consent play in your relationship?

I: I think our relationship is a little unusual in that we are extremely open with one another about everything. Our relationship is built on mutual respect and unconditional love. That means that we are in constant negotiation and discussion, practicing care and understanding in all areas of our relationship. So, it’s absolutely more than just “checking in,” it’s also like — inviting each other to really think critically about what we want, when we want it and knowing that it doesn’t have any impact on the status of our partnership.

B: For me, personally.. I started engaging in sexual activity later in life, a bit more recently.  Before, that was seen as a negative thing by a lot of people. Which I expected, cause I know how North American culture is. And uh, yeah, people would say a lot of things, questioning my masculinity and even when I would just be interacting with women… I’ve been assaulted because I’ve said “no” to sex. I’ve been slapped. This is the first relationship where, if I’m not into it I can just say “no” and there isn’t any anger or negative ramifications — there is just understanding on the other end. If I don’t want to engage right now, that’s okay… so, yeah. I definitely think that before, masculinity played a huge part in things because if you’re a man, then you only want it, and you can’t say “no” to it, but now [with Isabelle] things are very different.

I: I think that if the assumption is that men are supposed to pressure women into sex… that men want to have sex always, and women are supposed to reject sex and not want sex always — well then, how do two people come together on that? Sexual interactions are then based on taking, violating or pressuring… or based on rejecting and like… giving in — and these ideologies are a really negative force on any kind of development towards respect, mutual understanding or self-understanding. And consent in general.

How could performances of consent be improved?

I: I think consent must be contextualized and complicated. In addition to identifying someone’s interest in a specific interaction at a specific time we must also invite people to examine their own sexuality and sexual desire within the construct of femininity and masculinity, and examine the way in which specific bodies are expected to perform sexual desire, and how sex and sexuality stigmatizes some bodies but is celebrated in others. We must critically examine how such inequalities inform our own perceptions and desires as none of us exist outside of the patriarchy and gender normativity and neither do our relationships with ourselves or each other.

B: I think that pretty much says it.

Savannah & Will

What does consent mean to you? 

W: I think for me, in my experiences, consent has really been up to my partner because I think men are often the aggressors in these situations and uh, so most of the time, I’m almost waiting for a green light… but then, also understanding that can take time. But to be honest, it’s really grey a lot of the time. A sexual partner could be having a great time and laughing and then you make a move and it goes wrong so like, consent has been a thing that I’m not even sure I have a definition of… mostly because it’s been such a scatterplot of hit or missed results.

S: Consent, at least for me, is about being respected enough to be seen as a person, whether that be in a sexual situation or just having regular conversation. [In an emotional setting] there are things that, I could be like “Hey, let’s just breeze past this as something casual” or things I’m clearly more sullen about it, I don’t want any prying… and it’s the same in sexual situations, there are some things that are obvious, you can’t just start doing things without there being a mood and a proper setting.

What role does consent play in your relationship?

S: Will approached me in a way that gave me assurance that I could make my own calls and I think that’s really the only thing that I personally, would want in a sexual place. That allowed for trust.

W: Yeah.. you know, I think it’s tough to feel affected by societies expectations of men — that they should always be “on.” Savannah could come in and feel either turned on or off by seeing me and you know, sometimes I just want to rest, or rejuvenate before things start and I think especially as a relationship moves towards a long term partnership, sex can sometimes start to feel like a chore — and like, you never want sex to feel like a chore.

S: *laughs* You make it sound like we have sex every twenty minutes!

W: I think what I’m trying to say is that when it comes to affirmations of consent, the onus often falls on me to “get it”—and you know, there are other things that you need to actually have sex, protection and other things, and it’s like, sometimes it can be awkward! There can be laughter because of that, uh, but I think sometimes the time it takes to get organized—taking off clothes or clearing a space, to have sex can be an opportunity to actually communicate about consent and what everyone wants.

Is consent sexy?