In the last 6 months, the world has seen an outpouring of stories related to the #MeToo movement. Countless men have been exposed as men who rape, men who assault, men who coerce, men who use the power of their money, fame, and gender to have sex.
Media outlets have tried to explore every angle of these stories — should the victim be believed, will his career be destroyed, how many women will come forward? At the core of all these questions, another remains unanswered:Â how could it be that men, so many of them revered and loved, be sexual abusers?
It’s easy to label the Harvey Weinstein’s of the world as monsters — they were deliberate about their abuse, it was calculated, and the evidence of their guilt is detailed and overwhelmingly plentiful. But what about the “woke baes” and the Aziz Ansari’s of the #MeToo movement, whose stories appear more like a breakdown of communication than a calculated and willful assault?
It’s here that I think we must critique how our society teaches men and women to behave in their sexual relationships and the gendered expectations that both women and men enact upon their sexual interactions. To begin to understand the complicated nature of the sexual communications that occur between men and women, all Canadians must acknowledge that socially, statistically, women in Western urban society are constantly under threat from some men, and that these threats may range anywhere from cat-calling on the street to sexual harassment in the workplace, rape, domestic violence and sometimes even death.
However, it is equally important to accept that men are under constant pressure from both women and their male peers to reassert a hegemonic version of their manhood: a version of tangible masculinity that always pays for brunch and opens doors just as much as it leers on public transit and “flirtatiously” pressures for penetrative sex after a first date.
Men are taught to avoid all things feminine. In adhering to this convention, they often begin to develop an attitude of seduction and authority towards women, a disposition which women eventually learn to subscribe to and normalize after repeated exposure to male-centered mainstream pornography, movie plots and personal experience. Women too, are educated from an early age that they are to be pursued by the men in their lives and that romance, love and sex follow this game of pursuit.
Femininity comes with its own social rulebook; one that states a woman should be chaste and play coy, if she wishes to avoid the slut-shaming that so often accompanies a lengthy sexual history as a woman. It becomes clear that one of the most obvious constraints to achieving a sexual landscape where assault and rape is infrequent, are the current attitudes and perceptions about sex that dominate our culture.
If we are to do better, we must understand the stereotypes and the gendered expectations that influence the way men and women interact with each other inside and outside the bedroom. When women are socially primed to romanticize a man who forcefully pursues them emotionally and sexually and men are taught that they are most valued when they are stoic, rugged and aggressive, we perpetuate a society where sexual communication is at best, unhealthy and where the lines of sexual consent are impossibly blurred. The role of gender norms and how those norms inform and influence the way sexual interactions occur must be unpacked if we are to enter an era of consent where the hashtag #MeToo refers to a movement of wanted and healthy sexual encounters for people of all genders.
Using an anti-patriarchy and sex positive feminist perspective, I hope to critically assess how consent forms a story. I’m interested in how consent is performed in heterosexual couplings that are established and intimate. Does consent change when you have been sexually active with the same person for many months or many years? Does consent move away from being verbal and explicit to something that is more fluid and assumption based? Does love change the stories of consent or even just the way they are told? Can this give insight as to how our stories of consent change once they are pushed out into the world, to be influenced and critiqued by the media, by society and by gendered expectations of sexuality?
Bailey & Lucas
What does consent mean to you? Â
L:Â I think consent is being open with somebody, and you know, in that moment having the same interests sexually.
B: Yeah, going off that , I think it’s being open to someone else’s opinion of what is “right” but also being open to hearing that and not shutting it down — being able to step back in the moment and be like “whats going on” and just take a second to think more about what the other person feels and what the vibe is… like, is this a good thing or a bad thing and also remembering to check in with yourself.
Is consent sexy? Can it be?
B:Â I think so.
L:Â I think so too. Bailey wanting me sexually, I find that sexy.
B: Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say… I think knowing that you want each other sexually is a super important thing, making each other feel like you want what’s coming, I think that builds up the moment even more.  I totally think that’s awesome.
L:Â A big part of it for me, is Bailey enjoying what we’re doing and that’s when I enjoy it most…
B: I also feel like a part of building up that, sort of sexy feeling might be sexting or whatever — which in some cases, could be a form of consent but in other cases, you might just be doing that for fun and not consenting to anything else. This stuff can go either way and I think a lot of behavior that could be seen as consent isn’t and also vice versa.  It’s definitely a blurred line.
What is wrong with how consent is being performed in today’s sexual landscape?
B: I think in the heat of the moment, a lot of people don’t want to sit and be formal and ask a bunch of questions. But there is totally a way to incorporate consent into the build up of everything. Even if it’s just to take a minute and look at each other and be like, “Are we good, is this okay?”
Bernie & Isabelle
What does consent mean to you?
I: Consent means giving attention and care to oneself and one’s partner. I think consent requires personal reflection and reflexivity, as well as patience, and attentiveness… I don’t think it’s enough to simply ask your partner what they want or feel comfortable with… it is also about creating an environment for each of you to identify your own feelings and feel empowered in communicating them.
What role does consent play in your relationship?
I: I think our relationship is a little unusual in that we are extremely open with one another about everything. Our relationship is built on mutual respect and unconditional love. That means that we are in constant negotiation and discussion, practicing care and understanding in all areas of our relationship. So, it’s absolutely more than just “checking in,” it’s also like — inviting each other to really think critically about what we want, when we want it and knowing that it doesn’t have any impact on the status of our partnership.
B: For me, personally.. I started engaging in sexual activity later in life, a bit more recently. Before, that was seen as a negative thing by a lot of people. Which I expected, cause I know how North American culture is. And uh, yeah, people would say a lot of things, questioning my masculinity and even when I would just be interacting with women… I’ve been assaulted because I’ve said “no” to sex. I’ve been slapped. This is the first relationship where, if I’m not into it I can just say “no” and there isn’t any anger or negative ramifications — there is just understanding on the other end. If I don’t want to engage right now, that’s okay… so, yeah. I definitely think that before, masculinity played a huge part in things because if you’re a man, then you only want it, and you can’t say “no” to it, but now [with Isabelle] things are very different.
I: I think that if the assumption is that men are supposed to pressure women into sex… that men want to have sex always, and women are supposed to reject sex and not want sex always — well then, how do two people come together on that? Sexual interactions are then based on taking, violating or pressuring… or based on rejecting and like… giving in — and these ideologies are a really negative force on any kind of development towards respect, mutual understanding or self-understanding. And consent in general.
How could performances of consent be improved?
I: I think consent must be contextualized and complicated. In addition to identifying someone’s interest in a specific interaction at a specific time we must also invite people to examine their own sexuality and sexual desire within the construct of femininity and masculinity, and examine the way in which specific bodies are expected to perform sexual desire, and how sex and sexuality stigmatizes some bodies but is celebrated in others. We must critically examine how such inequalities inform our own perceptions and desires as none of us exist outside of the patriarchy and gender normativity and neither do our relationships with ourselves or each other.
B:Â I think that pretty much says it.
Savannah & Will
What does consent mean to you?Â
W: I think for me, in my experiences, consent has really been up to my partner because I think men are often the aggressors in these situations and uh, so most of the time, I’m almost waiting for a green light… but then, also understanding that can take time. But to be honest, it’s really grey a lot of the time. A sexual partner could be having a great time and laughing and then you make a move and it goes wrong so like, consent has been a thing that I’m not even sure I have a definition of… mostly because it’s been such a scatterplot of hit or missed results.
S: Consent, at least for me, is about being respected enough to be seen as a person, whether that be in a sexual situation or just having regular conversation. [In an emotional setting] there are things that, I could be like “Hey, let’s just breeze past this as something casual” or things I’m clearly more sullen about it, I don’t want any prying… and it’s the same in sexual situations, there are some things that are obvious, you can’t just start doing things without there being a mood and a proper setting.
What role does consent play in your relationship?
S: Will approached me in a way that gave me assurance that I could make my own calls and I think that’s really the only thing that I personally, would want in a sexual place. That allowed for trust.
W: Yeah.. you know, I think it’s tough to feel affected by societies expectations of men — that they should always be “on.” Savannah could come in and feel either turned on or off by seeing me and you know, sometimes I just want to rest, or rejuvenate before things start and I think especially as a relationship moves towards a long term partnership, sex can sometimes start to feel like a chore — and like, you never want sex to feel like a chore.
S:Â *laughs*Â You make it sound like we have sex every twenty minutes!
W: I think what I’m trying to say is that when it comes to affirmations of consent, the onus often falls on me to “get it”—and you know, there are other things that you need to actually have sex, protection and other things, and it’s like, sometimes it can be awkward! There can be laughter because of that, uh, but I think sometimes the time it takes to get organized—taking off clothes or clearing a space, to have sex can be an opportunity to actually communicate about consent and what everyone wants.
Is consent sexy?
S: Super sexy, I love it. It’s pure communication about something that is important and personal… and like, that just improves the experience. So yeah, super sexy.
W:Â Yeah, it definitely helps. Because then you get to understand that person more on like, a sexual intimacy level and you know, what turns them on, what settings are more appropriate, what moods are more appropriate… in a long term relationship, I think the verbal communication of consent kind of falls off because you become more symbiotic… like, it definitely applies, but more fluidly. I think from a guy’s perspective consent is something that is less sexy and more nerve-wrecking… I dunno.
S: You know that first day? You just asked me to cuddle and I thought that was the cutest thing and I was so turned on by that. Just because you’d even ask to me cuddle. Usually, it would be like the guy just puts on Netflix and assumes it’s now “chill” and like, “let me put my arm around you, babe” … you were different, and I liked that.
Consent & You
This project is an artistic study of how consent is being performed and used in long-term intimate heterosexual partnerships. Its purpose is to encourage people of all gender identities, sexualities, and relationship statuses to question their performances of consent and the gender expectations that have been imposed upon their sexual experiences by society and the gender binary.
What it is not, is a definitive guide to what kinds or “types” of consent are right or wrong. In every situation where you are being physical with another person, please remember that consent must always be:
A) informed
B) specific
C) enthusiastic
D) freely given
E) reversible
By adopting this model of consent and incorporating it into your sexual experiences and rituals, whether that be with an established partner or a person you have never been intimate with, you create a sexual landscape where both you and your partner can feel safe, respected and autonomous in your sexual decision making. Each of us are responsible for changing the way consent is communicated and used within our sexual contexts, and by challenging hegemonic notions of feminine and masculine sexuality, we work towards a future where honest, open and reciprocal conversations of consent are the standard.
Photos of couples by Madeline Taylor.Â