Category: interviews

(n. v.) : a line of questioning to discover someone’s opinions and experiences

RoleModel: Erika Lust

RoleModel is an interview series highlighting badass individuals.

 

When we think of game-changers, the name Erika Lust often comes to mind. Quite simply the most influential living female pornographer, her work has exploded the boundaries of the adult film industry. Tired of watching porn made for and by men, Lust took the camera into her own and began to create work guided by female viewpoints, feminism, and storytelling. Since entering the scene in 2004, her films (which she often conceives, writes, and directs) have won countless awards. She’s since launched her own production company which continues to make films that are as politically radical as they are sexy. Basically, she’s the Gloria Steinem of pornography.

I got the chance to pick the legend’s brain.

 

Do you remember the first time you saw porn?

Erika: The first time I saw porn I was at a friend’s house having a sleepover when we found an adult film that belonged to her dad. We were excited to watch it and to uncover the mysteries of sex, but we were so disappointed with what we saw. After that, I left [porn] alone for a long time until my college boyfriend suggested watching some together. I tried again… he liked it, I didn’t. I was bored of watching films where the woman’s role was to give pleasure to the man, yet her pleasure was completely ignored. I knew that there was so much more to sexuality than what was depicted in these films. Plus the cinephile in me couldn’t understand why all of the porn I saw lacked imagination, a story line, relatable characters and cinematic qualities. I understood that it was made with the sole purpose to arouse, but I didn’t understand why we had to forfeit the satisfaction of our other visual senses!

 

Can you tell us how you got started in the porn industry?

I first became interested in the adult industry when I was studying and read Linda Williams’ book Hard Core: Power, Pleasure, and the “Frenzy of the Visible.” It showed me that porn was its own genre, with its own history and it was a specific cinematic trend. Porn is part of a wider discourse on sexuality, Williams explains that porn always wants to be about sex, but on closer inspection — it’s always about gender.

This sparked my interest in porn, but it wasn’t until later that I acted upon it. My first film, The Good Girl, was a humorous take on the classic pizza delivery boy porn trope. I cringe a bit looking at it now, because it’s technically poor, but it was a start and it still somehow works! The film was really cute and completely different to what we were used to seeing in mainstream porn. I put it online and it ended up getting 2 million downloads!  

That’s when I realised there were other people out there looking for alternatives to mainstream pornography, and so I decided to start making adult films that reflected my own ideas and values on sex and gender. I went on to direct four more adult features before starting XConfessions [one of Lust’s better known film series] in 2013. XConfessions is an audiovisual project where users send me their sexual fantasies and I turn them into explicit short films. At the beginning it was just me making the films, but two years ago I started a worldwide open call for guest directors, so now we have filmmakers all over the world turning confessions into films and showing us their take on sexuality. It’s a really beautiful crowd-sourced project.

 

Did you always know you’d end up working in adult film?

No, not at all! It wasn’t something I really contemplated until I was living in Barcelona. I moved here after my degree and was initially looking to work in international development, but I was in need of some money and took a job as a runner on a tv set. I worked hard and made my way up to production assistant. Then I suddenly had this restless feeling of wanting to make my own movies. So I took a few night courses to study film direction, and once I had saved enough money to make my own project I made The Good Girl.

 


Did you receive pushback from anyone in the industry in regards to your woman-centric approach?

Yes, definitely. People are still more annoyed by me being a feminist, rather than a pornographer. Certainly at the beginning of my career men in the industry did not want my feminist perspective coming in to change “their porn.” They refused to acknowledge the problems in mainstream porn — the complete disregard for female pleasure, the harmful categorization and othering, gender role stereotyping, the relentless male gaze… the list goes on! Anyway, I was making something that prioritised the female experience, and they didn’t like it.

We each approach feminism in our own way, and the movement is constantly growing and expanding, but it seems that our feminism is suddenly under intense scrutiny. There is a legion of judgemental people looking to police and find faults in other women’s actions. It is undeniable that, because I’m a woman who is vocal about what I dislike in the industry and because I’m pushing to have an impact, I will attract a lot of criticism. There is still some backlash against feminist pornographers because we live in a society that is often sex negative —  especially towards women — and there is still a lot of confusion over exactly what “feminist porn” is. I don’t see half of the criticism I receive being given to male L.A. studio owners, who have done nothing to change the industry at all.

 

What upsets you most in the mainstream porn industry?

I am really concerned with the way certain fantasies are presented and categorized in mainstream porn and the “othering” involved using this criteria. There is a reduction of the performer to their primal feature (size, age, ethnicity, etc.). A lot of sites still put all people of color into exoticized genres, set apart from “regular” porn. Categorization is a really harmful issue for performers and racism in the porn industry is jaw-dropping. Not only are the films marketed with racialized language but the sexual content exclusively relies on racist stereotypes as a motive, which dehumanizes the performers. Interracial porn is not a thing for me for instance, it’s just people having sex.

Porn has never been known for its delicate treatment of marginalized groups — and that clearly includes older performers, too. When scenes are shot with MILFs, they don’t exactly set out to break down ageism so much as to exploit it. It’s also obviously not a true representation of older generation sex, some performers film their first MILF scenes in their early 20s. This is something I’ve wanted to address for a while, and I recently had the opportunity to make a film with a mature couple who wanted to showcase their sexuality and their version of slow, soulful sex. It’s a really beautiful, emotive sex documentary and it will be released on XConfessions next year, so stay tuned for more info!

 

How would you define feminist porn?

There is still a lot of confusion over exactly what “feminist porn” is. For me, it reclaims a genre that has traditionally been seen exclusively as the purview of men. It’s made by feminist directors who directly inject their feminist values into the films. Women have leading roles behind the camera as directors, producers, art directors, directors of photography, etc. making active decisions about how the film is produced and presented, and the stories are told through the female gaze.

Feminist porn creates a sex positive space for women to reclaim their sexuality, pleasure, and desires. Women are shown with sexual agency, owning their pleasure. Men and women are treated as sexual collaborators, not as objects or machines. The films promote role equality and there is no gender stereotyping, which is ultimately harmful for both men and women. In the films, the culture of consent is paramount. There is never any simulation of coercion, pedophilia, or abuse. There is no depiction of aggressive violent sex or rape scenes (not to be confused with BDSM practices). Diversity is key and the films push the representation of human sexuality and identity, showing the diverse ways of desiring and having sex. Marginalized groups are represented without being fetishized or categorized.

Feminist porn is so important because we need to show the world that female pleasure matters. Not because male pleasure doesn’t matter, but because we’ve been watching a type of porn that completely ignores women sexuality for too long. And it’s important to understand that porn has the power to liberate! It doesn’t have to be a negative part of our society. We can create porn where people can see themselves in those films, to see the sex they have, to be inspired, become educated, and receptive to the huge range of different sexualities out there. And most importantly they don’t need to be exposed to one version of porn that teaches them toxic values.

 

Does your work ever get pirated onto larger free sites such as PornHub?

Yes, all the time! Just recently I was in a battle with PornHub asking them to remove some of my XConfessions films but they were ignoring me. Until I called out their behavior on Twitter, they didn’t do anything — and the DMCA compliant notice forms my employee was sending were a waste of time. These sites are a huge problem for the industry, and they’ve put many filmmakers out of business.

Sites such as PornHub are not making their own material, they’re stealing it. They traditionally rely on “users” uploading content to the site who should declare that they have the rights to do so, but it’s clear that amid large quantities of fully licensed material, content exists on PornHub that is infringing copyright. But because they claim to be a completely user generated content site, they’re protected by the provision that they can’t monitor copyrights of every video uploaded.

When a filmmaker finds that their content has been illegally uploaded they can report it and the tube site is served with a DMCA takedown notice, upon which they remove the stolen content. However, the next day the same video is often re-uploaded by another (sometimes the same) user. Obviously small porn studios do not have the time to be trawling through tube sites looking for their content every day. Therefore content goes up faster than studios can issue demands for it to be taken down.

The pirating business model has completely decimated the industry and put many production studios and performers out of business. The industry is no longer as lucrative as it once was. When you shoot your own content as a performer or as a production company and the content is uploaded to the tube sites, it does not matter if it is watched one million times, you are not getting any money from those views. This has pushed many companies to closure and others have lost lots of money. For many of those that survived they’ve had to change how they work by making lower budget films.

Lower budget films can often means less money for the performers. When PornHub launched in the 2000s, performers’ wages dropped massively. Most of them now also do other forms of sex work to create further cash flow in order to create a brand around their name, gain fans, and become well known. This is the way for performers to gain financial security. When a performer has many different income revenues and treat their career as a business that has to be handled professionally and responsibly, then they can save for the future. It’s really hard work.

In my case, I have very loyal customers who know the importance of paying for porn, and they pay for the content I license and the short films I shoot. I’m not targeting the average porn consumer who is looking online for infinite amounts of free porn.

 

How do you think porn influences the young people who watch it — specifically, young men?

Porn can be particularly harmful towards young people when it teaches them to prioritize male pleasure, shows them harmful gender roles, ignores the importance of consent, shows particular body types as the norm, and presents hard-core sexual fantasies as the only way to have sex. For boys, they may learn that they’re supposed to “perform” a certain way — be very dominant, choke, and slap the female without asking for their consent, last for a certain length of time, cum all over her to signal the end of sex, etc. This can not only leave a lot of young men incredibly anxious about their performance, but also teach them very harmful behaviors for when they come to have sex.

The issue we have is that kids are curious and pretty much every time they type something sex related into a search engine, they’ll be greeted by something like PornHub where they’ll be bombarded with a lot of degrading, disrespectful sex which doesn’t always appear to be consensual. We can’t stop kids from finding these sites so instead of ignoring it or trying to ban it (which will never happen), let’s educate them. By acknowledging porn, it immediately becomes less shameful and opens up a dialogue, which leads to healthy, active learning!  Parents who don’t talk to their kids about what’s online are leaving the porn industry to step in as their children’s sex educator.

Good, up-to-date, useful sex education is lacking pretty much everywhere. We know that a huge percentage of schools are not providing adequate sex education. At no point in a child’s education does anyone teach them about consent, which seems like a pretty crucial lesson to me. Our kids aren’t oblivious to sex. Porn is always going to exist, so giving kids the tools to be critical and aware of what they’re watching is unbelievably important! They should be able to differentiate between the types of porn and understand what respectful, equal sex between consenting adults is. When they are old enough, they will see that certain porn can promote gender equality, intimacy, diversity, affirmative consent, safety, pleasure and sexual freedom and exploration.

These concerns are exactly why my partner and I started the non-profit website The Porn Conversation, which offers tools for parents to talk to their children at home. By having open and honest conversations, they will develop much healthier attitudes towards sex and relationships. They will be able discuss their feelings, communicate their sexual desires, and be happier people for it!

 

I’ve read that you work primarily in Barcelona — is there something about Spanish culture that influences or permits your work to thrive?

After I finished my graduate degree in Sweden, I moved to Barcelona and immediately felt that the city was much more receptive to my vision. My ideas and values on sex began to take shape growing up and studying in Sweden, but it was in Barcelona that I started working as an adult filmmaker and created Erika Lust Films. When I first moved here I felt so liberated, I felt like I could be or do whatever I wanted. I had no eyes on me and I was away from the high standards in Sweden that required me to be more polished. Barcelona gave me the creative freedom to start making adult films. My friends were of all different sexualities and genders, and on the whole the people here are very open minded and sex positive. Sexuality is something to embrace and celebrate, and the people are creative, inspiring, and sexy. I continue to work mainly in and around Barcelona, but thanks to my guest directors program, we now have XConfessions films shot all around the world!

 

What are you hoping to change in the porn industry?

My mission has always been to show that women’s pleasure matters. I want to show that women have their own sex drive and desires, and are not passive objects exclusively focused on pleasuring the men. XConfessions is adult cinema that is smart, sex positive, and respectful to women. It offers a representation of women’s pleasure and sex on screen that challenges the unchecked misogynistic attitudes, racist categorizations, and degrading narratives of mass-produced porn. Gagging, slapping, and vomiting are presented as mainstream fantasies. Of course some women like these things, but they shouldn’t be presented as the alpha and omega of sex. With my films, I show women enjoying themselves while receiving and giving pleasure in relatable scenarios. Women have their own sexual agency and take ownership of their sexuality and their bodies. It doesn’t matter if the film is kinky, romantic or anything in between; what empowers women is to have a voice in the story and to seek their own desire. And in turn I can squash the belief that women aren’t as aroused by sex on screen as men!

When I first started out female pleasure was missing in a lot of the mainstream porn on the free tube sites. In recent years this has thankfully started to change, there are more female filmmakers in the industry with loud voices and who stand by their work. This includes brilliant filmmakers such as Shine Louise Houston, Jennifer Lyon Bell, Madison Young, Bree Mills, Jacky St. James, Jiz Lee and Holly Randall — to name a few! Plus, with my ongoing guest directors open call I also have that community of new filmmakers who want to show different sides of sexuality and other cinematic perspectives. It’s great to be able to get more voices, more depictions of sex and sexuality, and more people doing something different to a lot of the mass produced stereotypical porn on the free tube sites.

Another thing I really want to change in the industry is to show that adult films can have cinematic qualities. Most of the typical mainstream porn on the free tube sites is devoid of cinematic quality and beauty. We’ve lost the golden age when films were feature-length, released in theatres and reviewed by respected media. Now we have low costs, no filmmaking prowess and low-grade quality. On XConfessions, we invest around €17,000 in every short film. We pay a professional crew to work in styling, location, art direction, cinematography and we also invest in post-production, sound, color correction and take equal care of the arts and graphics that accompany the films.  

 

What is the process of finding your actors like? Are their certain traits, physical or emotional, that you look for during casting?

In terms of the performers, we look to work with performers who share our philosophy and want to do cinema to ensure the best experience for everyone involved. Our casting process is long and thorough. We always make sure our performers are 18+, have had their own sexual experiences, are sex-positive and 100% happy and enthusiastic to be involved. We get to know them long before we start filming, and the performers get to know each other too, so that it feels natural for them. The people I work with are fantastic well-rounded individuals who have made clear choices to reach the decision to perform in adult cinema. 


How do you ensure your cast and crew feel safe — can you walk us through what some of those conversations may look like? 

I think over time, from my position as a director, I have created a safe space on set and shown that an XConfessions film is a collaborative project, with both cast and crew. Everyone’s opinion is completely respected, heard and valid on my set. I also have an on-set talent manager who looks after the performers on the day of shooting to make sure they are taken care of and have everything they need. It is our responsibility to help performers feel comfortable speaking up and ensuring their boundaries are respected for their full comfort and consent.

From the start of Erika Lust Films, an ethical production process has been vital to me. This goes from small things such as feeding everyone on set, to performers being able to stop shooting anytime they feel uncomfortable. Of course, shooting an adult film is challenging and we do our best to make sure performers are looked after and feel comfortable throughout but sometimes mistakes happen. We are not perfect. Now that I have the guest directors program, there are more people than ever before making films for XConfessions, some of whom have never directed an adult film before. So, to ensure that my ethical production values are maintained across the board, we recently developed two documents; Performer’s Bill of Rights and Guidelines for Guest Directors to shoot with Erika Lust, which are a mandatory read for anyone making films for XConfessions.

How would you define a sexy porn scene?

The ingredients for a sexy film are creativity, cinematography, consent, realism, and equality. Sex should be shown as fun and full of passion — the performers should be able to laugh and have fun if they want to! Intimacy plays a huge role, the performers should be connected by the narrative in the story, through the direction and camera shots. If there is no intimacy it will feel cold and detached. The viewer should be able to answer the question, “Why are these people having sex?” to truly feel the eroticism and excitement of the film. And of course pleasure is important, obviously porn is fictional and I’m not saying the performers have to have a real orgasm in every film, but the viewer should be able to feel that they are having fun. I have a general rule that I don’t direct the sex at all, I let the performers do what feels natural and pleasurable to them. I think this is a good way to get good results on screen.

 

To keep up to date on Erika Lust’s latest projects, you can visit her website or follow her on Instagram and Twitter. 

To read more about how parents can educate their children about online pornography, you can visit thepornconversation.org. 

 

Photos (in order of appearance) by Erika Lust, Daniel Klaas, Vilgot Sjöman, and Erika Bowes.

 

 

DoubleTap: MacKenzie Peck Makes Porn For Everyone

DoubleTap is an interview series highlighting creatives whose work explores sex, body and identity. All photos courtesy of Math Magazine. 

 

In 2015, MacKenzie Peck decided to start a pornography magazine, and rather than elevating the industry’s usual subjects, the 31-year-old and her team turned the camera to bodies of all identities. Every shape, size, and age can be found in an issue of Math Magazine. Their commitment to showcasing the diversity of human sexuality has made them one of the most radically inclusive porn magazines on the market. She sat down with her fiancé, Dan Allegrucci, to discuss the challenges and importance of re-imagining what erotic content looks like.

 

Do you want to give a general history of Math Magazine?

I first had the idea for Math Magazine when I was having a sort of summer of sexual self-discovery. I was being introduced to a lot of amazing people and ideas that I didn’t know existed but I was very excited to discover. During this time, I wasn’t seeing media that reflected this quickly expanding world of sexual freedom, exploration, and community. Leading up to this time, I was looking for the opportunity to start my own business. These two paths of sexual exploration and entrepreneurial-ism converged on Math Magazine.

The first seed of the idea was planted when I was at a house party in Baltimore and I was kind of doing my own thing, hanging out — didn’t really know any one, when I saw this group of women walk past me and go upstairs. Naturally I followed to see what was going on. The whole group started to play dress up in a way that was really sexy, playful, and exciting. It felt like a very special moment that I wanted to experience as much as possible in my life. I had visions of Hugh Hefner, Playboy Mansion — a fun and sexy environment like that. That’s when I decided I wanted to start a porn magazine. I told everyone who’d listen about it but it took a few years for things to really get started.

 

That’s how it started, why do you continue to do it today since it has evolved?

With the first photo shoot and the first issue, I was really relying on people to trust me and to believe in this idea, this vision for what the magazine is meant to be and what it could be — the potential it had. I knew it was a lot to ask of someone. Because, why? Why would someone bare all, quite literally, for something that didn’t exist yet. It really came down to trust. Ever since that realization, I had this commitment to basically be beholden to the people who work with me. I like the idea of honoring the contributions and perspectives that people are bringing to Math Magazine. I think that pushes me forward. This idea that I have this commitment, this promise to everybody who works with me on the magazine [and the readers who are] interested in reading the magazine. That’s what keeps me going and working on it year after year.

 

Do you have any cool projects, issue releases, events, or anything else exciting coming up?

We just launched a crowd-funding campaign for an adult coloring book. This is a big set of firsts for us. We’ve never done a crowd-funding campaign and we’ve never published a title beyond Math Magazine. And we certainly have never done a coloring book before! It’s really ambitious because it pulls from content from all of our past issues with a redesigned, re-imagined look for the optimal coloring experience.

 

 

You gave some of the origin story, aside from that, what would you say inspired you to start Math Magazine?

My ex-husband, when I was in college in Baltimore, introduced me to these ideas of being able to [own] your own business. I think I understood a little bit of it because I was being trained as an artist, and I think there is a lot of entrepreneurial-ism in that. Nevertheless, to me the idea of starting my own company from nothing was pretty foreign. He taught me about the power of design. With great skill and finesse, I would see him typeset something and completely transform the page. That had a major impact on me and I learned a lot from that. When I was starting the magazine I was also thinking about maybe starting a design firm or a creative agency and kind of trying to get a sense of these different business landscapes. How do you get started? What do you need to really break into these industries? I found the most empowering thing about starting a magazine was that the only thing I needed, really, was the money to print. For Math Magazine Issue Zero, I started with just 50 copies because that’s all the money I had. From there it has grown steadily. That was my only kind of gatekeeper and since then it’s been astounding to discover that I’m more free, in my experience, in print than I am in any other medium. I’m really in control of all of it and that has been really empowering.

 

Was there anything growing up that steered you into publishing, which a lot of people think of as a dying field? What is it that drew you to that?

I grew up with magazines and newspapers around. I grew up with a real respect for Vogue and the New York Times. I think it makes sense to me that the role of Editor in Chief is something that where I see a lot of mystique. It’s a position of creative power, freedom, and glory. I think having the artistic mentality draws you to the physicality of print or the physicality of the object. For me, seeing my ideas realized in physical form feels more substantial … well that’s changing a little for me. We just started a YouTube channel and it feels pretty good to upload a video, I’ve got to say.

 

Radically inclusive porn, that’s what Math Magazine brands itself as, how has your personal relationship with porn evolved throughout your life?

My earliest experiences of porn felt yucky. I feel like all conversations around it were kind of grossed out, cringe-y [with a] “don’t look at it” mentality. I must have searched stuff on the Internet but I don’t remember anything specifically. A big thing for me growing up was maybe less porn and more talking to people in chat rooms. Anonymous chatting was my flirtation with sexual expression or learning, even. I remember finding my parent’s copy of Joy of Sex. In high school, I was obsessed with being a figure painter. I would look at sexually charged figure painters like Balthus. Maybe I didn’t even understand my attraction to it but I was really into these ambiguous sexual narratives. I would create these in my paintings. I had a painting on this giant piece of plywood and it was called some sort of mysterious Sapphic thing. I don’t know who gave me that word. When I think about these different nodes on the timeline I see this attraction to and flirtation with these different types of sexual expression or communicating around sexuality. It’s kind of neat to see it in retrospect.

 

It sounds like you didn’t grow up with a significant engagement with porn, per se, [rather] you encountered sexual media of various kinds. But it sounds almost like you reached a point in life where you seized upon porn and claimed it for your own and decided to plant your flag in that and make it something to this point it hasn’t been.

I like the idea of it becoming something that isn’t embarrassing and for there to be this wide range of experiences and expressions. That summer of sexual awakening I was realizing what an amazing range of sexual experiences exist and what an amazing range bodies [also exist]. I was in love with it all, hungry to see and experience as much as I could. With the Internet I’ve definitely appreciated being exposed to different peoples’ perspectives, like, the experience of bodies that don’t look like mine or feel some way that I don’t feel. Being able to encompass all of that in the medium of porn, as well as every other, is a beautiful thing — something to be celebrated.

 

Why do you think creating inclusive porn is important?

As a young adult, in my 20s, I consumed porn in a pretty limited way. I think of it, even today, as pretty utilitarian. Like, I’m trying to do a thing: I’m trying to have an orgasm. I’ve got this much time I want to put into it. I think that has been the vast majority of my experience with it but I think the applications are wide and the interpretations of it are vast. It seems the media that is the most common in porn is such a narrow sliver of that experience and it seems like a damn shame to me that that’s the case. That’s my main mission: why not have the medium of porn reflect the amazing diversity of bodies and sexual interests out there? It’s outrageous to me that it’s so monopolized by a couple of viewpoints.

 

Do you feel like by making it inclusive that it gives permission or emboldens people who wouldn’t be interested or wouldn’t allow themselves to consume porn — that it kind of opens the door for them?

Absolutely. If all the content is made by and for a very particular perspective and experience… if you’re not seeing people that look like you or seeing people you are attracted to, why would you even explore it — never mind get excited about it?

 

It’s almost like the inclusivity is more important than the porn-ness. You know what I mean?

The porn-ness is a part of the inclusivity, though, because kink-shaming or the idea of tender masculinity not being accepted or the idea that certain sexual expressions are only valid for certain types of people… I think upending all of that is a part of the inclusivity.

 

What have been some of the obstacles in creating and running an independent magazine?

Being kicked off of very popular and powerful platforms has been a problem. We used to have a Facebook and we don’t any more. Living with this insecurity that you are building these followings, you are building these communities on these platforms and at any given time the rug can be pulled out from under you. There are some trust issues there. Not being able to harness the power of these advertising tools, honestly, sucks. I glimpsed, briefly, what it’s like to use Facebook ads for Instagram and Facebook and it’s pretty amazing. To use that kind of tool for the positive work that we are doing could be really powerful and it’s a shame that we can’t.

I wish I could hire people to work for me. I wish I could pay everyone more. Those are hurdles that I face. I wish I could reach people who aren’t specifically seeking out progressive porn. I wish there were more entry points to reach the people for whom maybe it could have a significant impact on their lives.

 

How do you maintain Math’s political agenda while keeping the sex appeal intact?

I think I have to say no a lot in order to amplify voices that don’t get the platform or the printed page enough. There is a lot of media that is sexy, but isn’t always in line with our values. It would make my job a lot easier if I just said yes to all that stuff, but if it’s not really pushing the narrative forward, socially, I don’t use it. In some ways I have to say no to a limited viewpoint in order to give an enthusiastic yes to everyone else. For each issue I’m trying to find high caliber content that hits certain notes in terms of representing certain types of people or scenarios.

I guess this might be a challenge, too, that I’m always looking to amplify voices that aren’t given the mic enough. There’s this funny chicken or the egg situation where if you don’t see yourself in porn then you’re not super willing to put yourself out there like that because the world isn’t really supporting you. So I definitely put in the extra legwork to find the bodies and voices and photographers that don’t get seen in mainstream media enough. It’s harder but it’s essential to what we do.

 

It’s about saying yes to people and helping them see the possibilities. That’s the true power of it; it’s like a shining light.

I fight the status quo with love, sex, and beauty in a way that is very subversive. I use the metaphor of the pill that you wrap in the cheese to give a dog. So the pill is the political mission of the magazine and then the cheese is the beautiful images, the fun stories. No matter what we do, the top line item is that we want to turn people on and we want to expose people to sexy ideas, within that is our agenda of sexual liberation, diversity in media, and intersectional feminism … to name a few.

 

Do you have an all time favorite feature or spread from Math Magazine?

That’s a cool question. I don’t know, here is the first thing that came to mind: I was blown away by the shoot where we had bubbles. I really like experimentation in my personal sex life so maybe that has something to do with it. I met this bubble artist while co-working in the city. I think he goes by Bubble Daddy. So I’m working in this stuffy co-working space, one day I got up to this guy practicing his bubbles in this carpeted office, which is weird in itself. And I was like, “Hey man, what do you think of encasing a hot woman in a bubble?” And he’s like, “Uhhhh, ok!”

Cut to being in the studio and we’ve got this bubble guy and he’s got all this gear and we’ve got this amazing model, photographer, an assistant, and me. It was a big team, for me at least. Being able to learn from this bubble guy and watch him experiment and make all these off-the-cuff decisions in support of our vision was amazing. We were all trouble shooting together. It was really hard work and we made a mess. The photos are incredible. The experience of making the image was really special. I remember we were cutting it really close on our time slot in the studio and we needed to clean up. I swear the five or ten minutes after you say you’re done, that’s when you get the good shots. We’re trying to clean up this bubble soap stuff and I kind of notice that the model, photographer, and bubble guy are still going and it looks like it’s really good and I’m going to shut up and just keep cleaning and let them do their thing. I think sometimes giving people permission to be done allows them let go or suggest something they wouldn’t otherwise. It’s really magical.

 

The theme through that seems like playfulness. The terms “play party” or “butt play,” and using the word play in a sexual way is really cool. I think maybe once the shoot is over, and everyone drops their guard the play can happen. If you could magically change one thing about the mainstream porn industry what would it be?

One thing? I would want it to become normal for it to pay for porn again. Full stop.

 

 

You can pre-order Math Magazine’s adult coloring book here. You can stay up to date with the publication through Instagram and their website, www.math-mag.com. 

Pre-order Issue 7 here. 

 

 

Porn: a Generation’s Teacher

This article originally appeared in Pull Out, our magazine exploring the relationship between sex and technology. You can order a copy here. 

 

Bathed in a mixture of LED, shame, and lust I remember the first time I masturbated in front of a computer screen. Like clockwork, every day after school I would take half an hour to explore my sexuality in front of my family’s Windows 7.

While pornography, with its heightened depictions of sex, is nothing new — how we interact with it post-millennium is. Nowadays, you don’t have to worry about scrounging up the funds or an 18-plus friend to buy a Playboy or Penthouse magazine for you. The digital age has made it possible to get every type of porn imaginable, free of charge, in a matter of seconds. Therefore it’s worth examining if, as a generation raised in the glow of internet porn, we relate to our sexuality fundamentally different for it.  

“I was just trying to figure out how things would work,” admitted Candace Puente, 22, one millennial interviewed on how porn has affected her sex life.  Almost every other millennial we talked to described developing an online viewing habit while they were still virgins, turning to Xtube and Brazzers to fill in the blanks left by their schools’ sexual education programs.

“Porn showed me what sex could look like. Tumblr showed me the science side, so like why she/he is climaxing. Any remaining questions [went] to the internet,” said Eli Congelio, 21. For much of today’s impressionable youth, porn provided a visual example of the mechanics involved — well sort of.

Nicholas Walton, a 21-year-old heterosexual man, described being initially misled by videos’ depiction of male-on-female sex. “When you watch a lot of porn, all the dude does is stick his dick in her a bunch of times, and she’s just moaning and screaming her ass off… and then when you go into the experience [of sex] it’s not like that.” The scenario Walton describes is commonplace in online pornography; female actresses in straight porn are notoriously vocal, expressing satisfaction with their scene partner(s) in an exaggerated manner. While this is a choice no doubt encouraged by directors, it can foster unrealistic expectations of sexual response.

“You kind of think anything will be good,” continued Walton, “but what you quickly realize is for your partner, it might not be.”

Alec Chi, 22 and also straight, said online porn misled him regarding the amount of time it takes to stimulate women to the point where they are ready for penetration. “The girl has to get more wet,” he concludes now, having gained real life experience.

Reversely, when asked if porn accurately depicts the way women get off, 22-year-old Claire Reaves responded via email, “I guess there are women out there that get off on aggressive, jack-hammering whatever, but that’s not reflective of what I’ve heard from my friends or my own experiences.” Meanwhile, when asked the same question, the heterosexual, cisgender millennial men interviewed admitted that most porn, at least on a basic level, demonstrated a viable depiction of male sexual pleasure.

This idea of varied gender perspective came up often during interviews, begging the question: who is porn made for? Most videos seem to favor one gender’s fantasies over the other, with the women acting as a vessel for their male partner’s satisfaction. In mainstream porn, it’s not unusual to see an actress gagging on the actor’s dick while he sprinkles down expletives like “dirty whore” or “cock slut.” The performers involved have likely planned this exchange, and this behavior would be fine if consent were reiterated on screen. However, it almost never is. And it’s not likely that a young man, boner in hand while watching this interaction on his laptop, will consider such behind-the-scenes negotiations. This can send the message that this kind of behavior is acceptable without consent, and worse — that women expect it. If this is the case, is it possible that porn is conditioning a generation of boys to believe this dynamic is the norm, and for a generation of girls to expect it?

While not all porn shows male-favored circumstances, female-centric content is less popular with male viewers. In 2015, PornHub reported that women typed something similar to “guy licking pussy” and “man eating pussy” in their search bar 930% more than men did. Keep in mind that millennials (ages 18-34) account for 60% of PornHub’s worldwide users, and 76% of users are male. In the same year, PornHub saw a 260% search gain for men looking up “extreme gangbang” and “creampies,” which is when a man orgasms in a woman without a condom.

It’s in this capacity that online porn can become a dangerous tool, a negligent educator that feeds its viewers false depictions of sex. Naturally, young people internalize what they watch, especially if it’s the only action they’re privy to. This can generate a misalignment between what we expect sex to look and feel like and the actual reality of intercourse.

However, the millennial relationship with porn isn’t all bad.

For a generation that went through puberty with a desktop readily available, the discovery of porn often coincided with the discoveries of our bodies — to outright condemn pornography is to disregard a vital component of millennial sexual development. For many of us, our erotic exploration began in front of a computer screen; our lust acting as compass as we navigated the hidden depths of worldwide web. This demystified sex, introduced many to future kinks, and in my particular case, helped me discover my sexuality. My pornography preferences forced me to confront my orientation. As I typed “gay sex” into the Google search bar, the correlation between who was inspiring my orgasms and what that meant became increasingly clear. Maybe I should write to the PornHub execs and thank them?

Despite all the inaccuracies perpetuated by the industry, more than one millennial interviewed described porn as having a positive effect on their sexual confidence. “I wanted to be as comfortable as those people were to be filmed,” said Puente. She said it helped to see people look uninhibited while having sex, offering an example of a level of performance confidence to aspire to. 

However, it was in the same vein mainstream porn fell short for millennial viewers. Many stated they preferred to watched amateur, homemade videos, opting for realness over production. They craved context and a sense of connection between the parties involved, feeling as though porn actors often appear too detached and rehearsed. Overall, most of the millennials I spoke with regard porn fondly. It was their first taste of the real thing, a crucial teacher, and watching online videos of both men and women expressing sexual pleasure helped instill the notion that sex should be a mutually beneficial act, even if the industry depicts this unequally.

While older generations (and even some of our own ranks) will never tire of branding millennials as emotionally stunted, it seems much of what this generation craves sexually are the truths of IRL intercourse: messy, fumbling intimacy.

 

Photos by Luke Gilford.

 

I Talked To My Mom About Birth Control

I previously interviewed my Mom about her experience parenting a child with clinical depression — that child would be me. This time around, we’re talking birth control.

My mom was born in 1958 and grew up in a blue-collar mill town in Rhode Island, the youngest of eight children in a big ol’ Catholic family. She started taking the pill during college, and over the years has tried other modes of birth control like the diaphragm and the rhythm method.

 

When you first started on the pill did you have a conversation about it with Nana and Grandpa… just Nana?

*laughs*

Nooooo, no, no. It wasn’t talked about, first of all. I never ever, ever in a million years would have talked to father about it, but I wouldn’t have broached it with my mother because premarital sex was a sin. It was not something she would’ve been open to even hearing about. She would’ve been deeply offended.

 

She was a pretty devout Catholic, right?

She was, as was Grandpa.

 

Did a lot of parents share their viewpoint back then?

A lot of parents did, yeah — none of my peers did. No, I take that back, there were a few. But the majority of people my age were, you know… were engaging in premarital sex if they had partners.

 

So no conversations were had. What about any of your sisters?

Did they have conversations with my parents? No, I don’t think so. Aunt Holly [my Mom’s oldest sister] got married at 19 and she — I didn’t know this at the time — but she told me years later that one of the reasons she did it was she thought she would have to live with her parents until she got married. And she was right; that’s what women did in my parents’ generation, so that was their belief.

 

When you decided to start birth control, was it because you were or were about to become sexually active?

Yeah. By sexually active I mean I had sex with a boyfriend, but then when I broke up with him I didn’t take the pill anymore. So it was sort of an off and on thing.

 

Did that affect your body, going on and off it?

Looking back on it now I think I probably did feel different, just lighter, you know. By lighter, I mean lighter feeling, like less sluggish. You know the hormones can cause your body to think it’s pregnant a little bit and so there’s always that little bit of extra weight that can make you feel sluggish, or at least that’s how I felt.

 

That was when you were on it, you mean?

Yeah, and then going off it. Although I say that now in retrospect. I don’t know that I would’ve been able to articulate that or notice it consciously at the time.

 

When people look at college communities nowadays, I think one common perception is that there’s a lot of sex happening all the time. “Hookup culture” is very much a thing, so I’m wondering: was it like that when you were there?

I would say no. People had sex but it was still very — it was an old fashioned kind of atmosphere where it was fine for the boys to.  Nobody used the term “hook up” but I’ll use it now. It was fine for boys to hook up with all the girls they could but it wasn’t okay for girls to do that.

 

Was there a stereotype — like only certain kinds of women take the pill?

No, I don’t think that was it. I knew that a lot of women my age did, but you know, there’s that little parental voice in the head saying, “This is shameful,” even though I knew it wasn’t and I knew other people were doing it, and it wasn’t, you know? You can’t get away from that parental voice. And if unintended pregnancy happened, you got married right away.

 

So pregnancy was the problem, marriage was the solution?

Yes, because out of wedlock pregnancy was a humiliation for the family, [considered] a failure on the parents’ part. Not to mention it was immoral in Catholic families.

 

There was a double standard?

Absolutely, yeah. That was my experience. It might have depended on what school you were at, what group of friends you had.

 

Absolutely. So going back to when you were in high school, was there any kind of Sex Ed program in place?

No.

 

What about health class?

I think I kind of remember being in a health class for one semester. I don’t think there was any kind of birth control education or sex education or anything, but it could be that I’m just not remembering it. I was on the college track and so there were lots of requirements that I had to take, you know, the academic classes. So there weren’t a lot of opportunities for electives. Maybe it wasn’t even a semester. Maybe it was just for a few weeks as part of a PE class. I kind of remember sitting in a classroom with the male PE teacher teaching us and I remember trying not to pay attention.

 

I’m sure you don’t remember most of that class because you were trying not to listen — but was it more along the lines of “the miracle of life” or was it more — did they talk about sex at all? About contraception?

I would’ve paid attention if they had! But they didn’t. I’m thinking it was more like hygiene stuff. I know it was co-ed, and I don’t remember feeling embarrassed about anything like, the male PE teacher is gonna teach us how to douche — it wasn’t anything like that. Not that that’s a good idea to do, but you know back then there were even commercials on TV for products that do that… I think it was more like, “You know your body is gonna smell so use deodorant,” and stuff like that. Very, very superficial.

 

That was in high school that they were teaching you that kind of stuff?

I’m gonna say 10th grade. Maybe it was in response to what they were smelling in gym class.

 

So you talked a little bit about how being on the pill made you feel. Did you experience any side effects, mental or physical?

Not from the pill. It made me regular and I had always had irregular periods, so being on the pill was convenient in that way. Before that I did have — not severe cramps — but I did have cramps when I had my period. But when I started using a diaphragm for a little while I kept getting urinary tract infections. That was a big problem.

 

Was that a common thing with the diaphragm in general? To get UTIs?

I think it was just that, for my body, it didn’t work. If I’m remembering this correctly, my doctor said the way it fit in it sort of maybe hit something, blocked something so that… I don’t quite understand the anatomy enough to say what it was, but it had to do not so much with the device itself, but how I’m built.

 

Were there any brands that were popular? For any kind of contraceptive, not just the pill or the diaphragm.

No, it wasn’t something that I discussed with anybody.

 

Were there ads for them anywhere?

No.

 

Not at all?

No.

 

Not even condoms?

Not in the magazines or newspapers or TV stations I watched and read. Not the mainstream. Not on the nightly news on Channel 10.

 

So looking at the timeline, how many years do you think you were on birth control?

Let’s say age 19 to age 33.

 

So looking back on those 14 years, is there anything you would’ve changed? Are there things you wish you’d known?

I wish I had educated myself better. It was harder to get information then and I didn’t really seek it out. I think if I had had a regular doctor to talk to, that would’ve been better. But even then, I wasn’t proactive enough. Asking more questions, being more of an informed consumer would have helped a lot… because maybe an IUD would have been good for me.

The hormones of the pill weren’t great and the diaphragm never fit right, so if I had access to more information maybe that’s the method I would’ve ended up choosing. I mean the pill worked fine, I didn’t get pregnant — and that’s the goal, right?

 

So you feel like there was information out there but you could’ve done a better job of pursuing it?

I think the information was there but it was a lot harder to access. I didn’t realize I could have accessed it. I think now people your age know that it’s there, know how to access it, and know there’s no stigma or shame in accessing it. Maybe this part was my upbringing, my parents’ influence: the feeling that it wasn’t quite okay, even though it was and the alternative was pregnancy risk. It felt like, I just better figure this out quick and take care of it and not talk about it to anybody.

These days — if it’s not accepted that kids are going to [have premarital sex] — it’s at least understood that it’s a very distinct possibility. And so rather than just saying “Don’t do it”[we should be] teaching kids — if you do, here are some ways to avoid infection and avoid pregnancy; here’s the right way to do it. Without the judgement, without the moralizing. I think that’s a very good thing.

 

Big ups to my mom for letting me pepper her with questions — even uncomfortable ones — yet again. Thanks, Mom!

 

Talk to your doctor about which mode of birth control is best for you. You can find a list of different birth control options and information on how they work here.

Baby, You’re So Sweet

*Names have been changed to protect the subject’s identity. 

 

Anna dyes her shoulder-length, naturally black hair a striking shade of turquoise. Her hands shake consistently, her lips rest pursed. She has thick, dark brows that frame her angular face. Anna does not spend her evenings in the ways other 18-years-olds do; Anna is a sugar baby.

When Anna turned sixteen, her parents cut her off financially.  This meant she had got accustomed early on to paying for everything on her own. Like a lot of high school seniors, Anna stayed up late, researching ways to pay for college. One night, she came across an article about women in the Ivy League stripping to pay their way through school. She thought if these girls could do it — she could, too.

Anna moved to Manhattan in August of 2015 to attend NYU. The summer before she moved to New York, she discovered Seeking Arrangement, a dating website designed to connect sugar parents with prospective sugar babies. The interface is simple: sugar daddies, mothers, and babies create profiles free of charge, and all parties can view and message one another. A sugar relationship may ensue, in which a baby is paid by a daddy or “momma” for dates, conversation, sex, or all of the above.

After researching sugar babies, Anna decided that becoming one would be easier than working at a strip club. As a sugar baby, she wouldn’t have to work long hours, and she could also have the luxury of choosing whom she worked with. So, with a bill due in November, Anna created an account on the Seeking Arrangement website.

“No one is paying for my college except me, because I work and I live as a sugar baby,” she told me at the time, “that’s how I’m paying for my college. That is all me. I could be doing it for extra cash. I’m not.”

For young women at NYU, the term “sugar baby” is used lightly, even comically. It’s relatively easy to come across female students who joke about becoming sugar babies to pay the bills. I sat in a study room at NYU for an hour-a-day for one week to see how many times students talked about sugar daddies. On Monday night, a student named Claire searched online for plane tickets she would have to buy to travel to her study-abroad location. Laughing, she said, “Imma get myself a sugar daddy! I gotta get them coins!” On Wednesday, another student talked about how she recently made an account on Seeking Arrangement to pay for an expensive textbook she needed to purchase. On Thursday, a third student asked the girl who was sitting across from her if she would like to go get something to eat. The girl replied, “I can’t spend money. I need a sugar daddy for food.” With so many people talking about sugar babying at NYU, it’s safe to say it’s become a new fad.

Anna ultimately received a generous scholarship. Her tuition is covered in full — the only bills left are for campus housing and a meal plan. However, housing and meal plans average out to about $15,000 per year at NYU. So if Anna were to take out subsidized loans, she would graduate $60,000 in debt. People like Anna feel that becoming a sugar baby is their only option. It allows for quick cash, which leaves time for internships, homework, and friends— essentially, the life of a normal college student. And sugar babying isn’t so bad… right?

Seeking Arrangement’s Instagram page features photos of the glamorized life of a sugar baby: dashing older men, loads of cash, designer shoes, handbags, and jewelry. But after taking off the rose-colored glasses and stepping into the actual life of a sugar baby, it becomes rapidly clear that most real-life sugar daddies are extremely misogynistic. The life of a sugar baby isn’t all fun and games (or in this case, Gucci and Prada).

One of Anna’s first sugar daddies was an art dealer who lived in the Meatpacking District of Manhattan. She was paid $500 for sexual relations, and was expected to stay over at his apartment from 10PM to 10AM. “He pretty much fucking treated me like the fucking maid,” Anna said, adding that he made her make the bed in the morning, but not before lint-rolling the sheets first. After they ate breakfast, he ordered her to clean the table and leave everything spotless. “I was just the fucking maid in the morning,” she said.

Anna explained that, in her experience, most sugar daddies “are just looking for ignorant girls… who don’t know any better [than] to just fuck them and go.” She says many sugar babies don’t know any better than to just have sex for pay. In Anna’s eyes, in order to be classified as a sugar baby rather than a prostitute, there should be relationship-esque qualities in the exchange. “[Sugar babies] are basically a live-in girlfriend. That is a fucking luxury service, and a lot of guys will try to cheat these girls out: sleep with them on the first date, and then give them like a hundred bucks. That’s completely wrong.”

She went on to explain some of the lessons she had to learn on her own: “You’re supposed to discuss allowance. They’re supposed to take you out to dinner in public, meet in a public place. You discuss money first, and a lot of them will not be down for that.”

Seeking Arrangement has popularized the concept that sugar daddies are debonair, successful businessmen who simply do not have time to go out looking for women. While this may be true of a select few, the reality is that the majority of sugar daddies need to pay girls to date them because they are emotionally abusive. By hiring a sugar baby, men are essentially paying off the emotional commitment that comes with healthy relationships. Wealth, the glamorization of sugar daddies, and sites like Seeking Arrangement provide wealthy men with an outlet that facilitates and validates obtaining young girlfriends — while this exchange benefits some young women, it also has the potential to be emotionally abusive. Anyone interested in becoming a sugar baby should carefully consider their decision. 

Anna says she puts on a new persona when she goes on dates with sugar daddies. She becomes the misogynistic ideal of feminine qualities older men idolize. When meeting a potential daddy, Anna wears short, tight dresses with heels; rather than the hippie style, flared jeans and cropped shirts she opts for on a day-to-day basis. She spends hours straightening the curls out of her blue hair, layering on foundation, outlining her eyes, elongating her lashes, and applying lipstick before going out on dates.

“As a sugar baby, I believe that I should be allowed to be who I am, but you can’t fucking do that. It’s a business. I’m here to make money… It does become hard,” she admits.

Getting paid for sexual acts is an intrinsic aspect of sugar babying for most people in the trade, which creates marked parallels to prostitution. But the term “sugar baby” undoubtedly softens the occupation. By softening the occupation, joking about entering the business becomes a normalized topic, and this makes it easier for people to transition into that line of work. 

If you decide to become a sugar baby, remember to stay safe. Meet in a public place, and don’t forget to tell a friend where you’re going and who you’re meeting with.

 

RoleModel: Julia Fox

*RoleModel is an interview series highlighting badass individuals.

 

To be honest, I was always a little intimidated by Julia Fox.

Smart, beautiful, and talented, when I first moved to New York it seemed everyone knew who she was. She was the downtown It Girl. But Julia’s contributions to nightlife are the least fascinating thing about her.

Whether she was launching a fashion line or premiering a deeply intimate photography exhibit — she displayed a knack for spinning personal struggle into unforgettable art. She doesn’t shy away from her demons, and in a city that often deals in artifice, it’s refreshing to meet someone who’s the real deal.

I caught up with a 27-year-old artist and talked sex, toxic relationships, healing, and living on your own terms.

 

 

How do you sexually identify, if you’re open to sharing that?

Julia: I don’t know. I’m never really attracted to anyone by the way they look. You’ll never hear me be like, “Wow, I wanna hook up with that guy. He’s so hot.” I guess [I’m] sapiosexual — just attracted to someone’s mind. 

 

I don’t think you have to label yourself. When I label myself I feel like I’m succumbing to someone else’s idea of who I should be. I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to. If you don’t get it… it’s not your life.

Yeah, to be completely honest I’m attracted to pieces of shit. Like that’s my thing. Love ’em! The more disturbed or just like a bad guy, I’m like, “Ugh, it’s gonna be so fun.” Wild roller-coaster ride of hell.

 

Where are you from?

I’m from here [New York City] — well actually, I was born in Italy. My mom is Italian, but I grew up here with my dad. I think that’s something that we have in common. You also grew up just with your dad, I can tell.

I don’t take shit, I’m very comfortable around men, and I also know how to fight back. When you’re in a house full of crazy men, you have to learn to stand your ground. For the longest time I was a tomboy, and then I was like, actually, I can get way more stuff if I’m being hot and slutty.

 

*Eileen laughs*

Rebrand.

 

What type of influence do you think growing up in New York has had on you?

The worst. But what I can say is that I’m very comfortable around all different types of people from all different walks of life. Because I am a city girl, I’m always prepared for battle.

 

I went on a road trip to Louisiana last spring, maybe you could describe the experience you had down there?

I’ll tell you a little bit about where I was mentally. I was coming out of this really terrible two year relationship that ended in this huge scandal [because] my boyfriend attacked me, physically. I called the cops. It became this really big thing  — it was on Page Six, and everyone was taking sides. People didn’t believe me. People were like, “Julia’s just crazy.” Why the fuck would I make up something so humiliating? I was so mad. 

Then I put out my first book: Symptomatic of a Relationship Gone Sour and I actually published photos of the abuse that was inflicted upon me. You don’t believe me? Well, here’s some photos. Then it blew up and went viral, and I couldn’t handle it and I had this breakdown/breakthrough. I was like, I’m leaving.

So I bought a car, went and picked up my friend from upstate who I knew would be down, [and] we just left. We didn’t know we were gonna end up in Louisiana. Eventually, we ended up there. I stayed with some friends. I didn’t think that I was ever gonna come back to New York. I went to Walmart and applied for a job. I was literally like, I’m gonna live here and just be this.

Three months in, [a friend] was on my private Instagram, seeing all these people I was meeting, all the things I was doing, and he thought it was so fascinating. So for Christmas, he gave me a camera. He was like, “Julia, I really want to curate a show when you get back.” And I was like, “What do you mean ‘when I get back?'” But, obviously I came back. After six months of being [in Louisiana], the walls started to close in. We were getting in trouble and the town was like, “Who are you people, why are you here?” So we had to go.

I came back to New York, which was really difficult, [because] at that point I had excommunicated almost everyone. I came back and was like: who are even my friends. What did I use to do? Who was I?

I realized that I was not [the same] person. I wasn’t materialistic anymore. The thought of carrying around a twenty-thousand-dollar bag was completely unfathomable. I became more humble because I had pretty much lost everything.

It took a really long time to recover from all of that trauma. That’s why [I had a photography] show called PTSD. Not only did I lose the love of my life, but I did it in such a public manner that I never had time to mourn. 

 

And with the added stress of people not believing you and [the case] becoming a public spectacle.

Yeah [it was] like the People’s Court. I had people that I used to hang out with everyday be like, “Come on, Jules, you’re breaking up the friend group.” I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

 

I feel like a lot of your artwork or photos I’ve seen center on your personal life. Does intimacy or a lack of intimacy inspire you?

I don’t know. I guess at that time, love and codependency was such a drug. I would just get high off it and it was so unhealthy. Now, I steer clear and I don’t want any type of romantic relationship with anybody. But back then, I needed it like a drug. I think that that’s why all those images are so dark.

 

It was a part of you that you couldn’t even control?

Yeah and it was purging, I had to let it all out. Years and years and years of crazy relationships.

Even in my first book, it wasn’t just about what happened at Happy Ending with [my ex]. It was also about stuff that happened ten years prior, with my first real boyfriend who was also abusive. I was a runaway, and then I was a kidnap victim because he wouldn’t let me go home. It was so crazy. If he hadn’t gone to prison, I don’t know what would have happened. Then he terrorized me from jail; had people follow me in cars, threaten my family — it was just so bad. I remember having a breakdown and going to the mental hospital, and after two weeks they were like, “You can go now,” and I was like, “No, please. I don’t want to go. I want to stay here.” And they were like, “Well, your insurance ran out.” 

I [have] never really talked about these things.

 

It seems like you’re in a better place now. Do you have any advice for other people who find themselves in either codependent or even physically/emotionally abusive relationships?

Stop being afraid. It’s your fear that’s holding you. All your obstacles begin and end in your head. Take the plunge. Leave. It won’t be as hard as you think it is, but you have to really want it. You can’t kinda want it.

 

And there is something so addictive about that discomfort.

And the adrenaline when you’re fighting, or even the making-up ritual afterwards. It’s just such a vicious cycle. Don’t let your fear hold you back — that shit’s not cool.

 

 

You recently got your Instagram deleted. Do you have any thoughts on social media censorship, especially when it comes to women’s bodies?

I think it’s such a joke. Oh you’re afraid of kids seeing [women’s bodies]? If your kids are seeing it they already have an iPhone and could easily Google porn already. It just seems really outdated and an antiquated way of thinking. [Instagram] needs to be a little more progressive.

 

Have you had any experience with sex work?

Mhm! I was a dominatrix in high school because I didn’t live at home [or] have a way of making money. Come on, I wasn’t gonna be a waitress.

 

How did you get into it?

In 7th grade, I used to basically live at my friend’s house, and her sister was a dominatrix. She was so cool. [My friend] was the only one who had a full length mirror in her room and I was just sitting on the floor [when] she walked in wearing these black fishnets and patent leather platform, open-toed shoes, and this really amazing corset situation. I just remember looking up at her like, wow. She was a dominatrix, and I was like, if she could do it, I bet I could do it.

Later on, at seventeen I had heard about another girl who was doing [dominatrix work] and making so much money. I was like, I’m just going to go on Craigslist see if there’s a job. I met this guy who owned a dungeon [the next day] and he was like, “You’re hired.” And the rest is history.

 

Did you ever feel nervous about your safety?

It’s legal in New York, so it was controlled. There was a legit establishment. I did have out-calls [out of dungeon appointments] but it was always with regulars that I had seen before. No, I never did [feel nervous].

 

What did you do on a normal day? Obviously it’s a lot of verbal…

Yeah a lot of verbal degradation, which I always thought was so corny. Like, “Yeah, you fucking pig!” It was just so corny. Some guys wanted to get their balls stepped on with stiletto heels — 

 

Shut up!

I’ve made men’s balls bleed. Like literally. These men would want to get pinned up to the wall by their neck and get kneed repeatedly in their balls. I loved those sessions.

Then I had guys who wanted to be paddled with a wooden paddle as hard as I could go, to the point where this one guy, every time I would hit [him], blood would squirt out. I was getting butt blood on me; it was so lit. He’d be taunting me like, “That’s all you’ve got?” I was like, this motherfucker.

By the end, my arm was sore for two days. It was the craziest workout of my life.

 

Do you think doing that at such a young age shifted your perception of men?

Yes. Entirely. I feel like maybe that’s why I’m so uninterested [in romance]. Because I feel when you start looking at men more [from the perspective of] what can I get out of you — they’re no longer humans with feelings. I’ve learned now that love isn’t enough. Love is great but it’s not gonna hold together a home.

 

What would you tell someone who says because you’re a dom, you didn’t respect yourself? People who slut shame you?

My profile went up on this website and I remember I showed my friend, and [then] within a week everyone in the city knew. Everyone saw it, everyone talked about it. I never felt… I don’t know. I feel like being a waitress and being disrespected by one of your customers and then [getting] a shitty tip — that would be not respecting yourself. I’m just not a sub.

 

You’re taking your life in your hands and doing what you wanna be doing.

Exactly, and I never did anything I was uncomfortable with.

 

How did you set up boundaries?

They’re not allowed to touch me. No way. So gross. It was just what I wanted to do. That’s the beauty of being a dominatrix as opposed to being a stripper or prostitute. When you’re a stripper, you’re grinding on these guys and letting them touch your tits — it’s just a little more invasive and you’re a little more of an object. When you’re a dominatrix, you’re this goddess. You’re on a high. Like this man will literally drink my piss right now and pay me extra for it. Not saying it’s for everyone — I’m sure a lot of girls wouldn’t be able to do it, to be around those types of freaks.

 

Did you ever have repeat customers?

Oh, yeah. I’m still in contact with a bunch of them. Even after all this time, they’re so loyal. They really worship you and think you’re the best goddess ever. They want to be your slaves — we call them slaves — and they want to be your slave forever. They want to go grocery shopping for you, be your chauffeur.

 

Now for some rapid fire questions we like to ask at KAAST. Dating apps or meeting people IRL?

In real life.

 

Hand job or oral?

Hand job. Blow jobs are gross.

 

Sub or dom?

Me? Dom.

 

Sex on the first date or no?

Nah.

 

What turns you on in a partner?

Being funny.

 

What turns you off?

Being judgmental.

 

How do you let someone know you like them?

I go to their first Instagram photo they ever posted —

Nu-uh!

 — and like it.

 

No, you do not, Julia!

Yeah I do.

 

Do you send nudes?

Mhm.

 

Do you have any advice on taking them?

Don’t put your face in them.

 

What’s the worst thing a former partner has ever said to you?

I would never have kids with you because you’re a junkie.

 

What’s the best thing a former partner has said to you?

That I’m the smartest, most powerful girl he’s ever met.

 

How do you personally deal with rejection?

I always say rejection is God’s protection, so if you’re rejecting me it’s because I’m probably too good for you. Something better is gonna come and you’re gonna feel so bad when you try to hit me up again and you’re cancelled. So it’s fine.

 

Have you ever been in love?

So many times.

 

Do you have advice for getting over heartbreak?

Fall in love with something that is just yours and doesn’t depend on anyone else. Have a project that you can put all your passion in because validating yourself through something you love to do is so much better than any validation you’ll get from someone else. But also, for a lot of my friends, having sex with someone else helps — but that didn’t work for me. What worked for me was doing a creative project.

 

If you could say one thing to one of your exes what would it be?

Can we get back together? To one of them. 

 

How important to you is sex in a relationship?

It’s very important. But I really think communication and meaningful conversations are way more important. 

 

Any tips for people who aren’t as confident as you?

No one cares as much as you do. Don’t live up to other people’s expectations, only live up to your own.

 

What’s your sign?

Aquarius. What’s your sign?

 

Leo.

I love Leos. So loyal. Would you say that you’re loyal?

 

I’m so loyal, to a fault.

 

 

Photo of Julia Fox by Mike Krim. You can follow her on Instagram here.

 

Interview with a Millennial Sex Worker

The only guaranteed thing about autonomy is that the term is currently being used a student with dyed hair during a college seminar.

However, when individuals attempt to exercise the right to govern their bodies and decisions outside of hypothetical discourse, they’re usually met with at best conditional acceptance and at worst — criminalization.

Sex work, often called the world’s oldest profession, remained mostly legal in the United States until 1910, when religious groups cried “immorality” and campaigned to close the brothels. They failed to stop prostitution but succeeded in illegalizing and demonizing the profession, engendering a stigma that persists to this day.

Legislation continues to threaten the livelihoods of sex workers. With the passing of bills SESTA (Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act) and FOSTA (Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act) this year, the US government has effectively limited the online platforms (digital brothels) which sex workers previously used to solicit clients.

On the surface this may not seem like a bad thing. But the bill package fails to distinguish the difference between sex trafficking and consensual sex work, conflating forced sexual labor with the autonomous soliciting of sexual activities. 

Introducing new policies aimed to restrict the former, SESTA/FOSTA subsequently jeopardizes the livelihoods of the latter. By shutting down websites like Backpage, Craigslist Personals, and other sites used to solicit, sex workers are denied the right to handpick and vet their clients from afar, forcing them to gauge their safety IRL. Research has indicated that street-based sex workers face higher risk of STI transmission and violence than those who utilize online advertising. In fact, a 2017 study estimated that the opening of the Craigslist Erotic section coincided with a 17 percent drop in female-homicide rates.

These statistics have faces, one of which belongs to “Melanie” a 27-year-old genderfluid artist and sex worker, who has entered this profession willingly. We spoke to them about their work and their future in the wake of SESTA/FOSTA.

Below is an edited transcript of our discussion.

 

First, in your own words, how would you describe what you do?

Melanie: I describe myself as a full service sex worker. I also sometimes use the term ‘provider.’ It’s important to me to delineate that [I am] providing a service to my clients.

 

What does “full service” mean?

It can mean full penetrative sex, it can mean other types of physical intimacy. Some people make the distinction between being full service or being an escort or being a sugarbaby. I feel like I could fall under any of those categories, because I offer different services to different people. But for me, it’s just easier to be like, ‘I’m full service.’

 

Before you meet a client, do you talk about what you’re offering?

This is kind of something that’s shifting and evolving, particularly post FOSTA/SESTA. Since that legislation was passed, I haven’t been able to find any new clients, so everyone that I see now are regulars. Prior to that, the main platform that I used for advertising was Craigslist — which is actually not allowed. Now Craigslist Personals is entirely shut down. What would happen before all of this happened [was] people would respond to my Craigslist ad or they would send me a message on Seeking Arrangement. I was very careful of the language I would use, as a way to screen people, because there’s always the risk that you are dealing with law enforcement or dealing with someone that is potentially dangerous. I would use elusive language, pose it as though it were a date.

Often times, I would go directly to this person’s home. I would set up some type of backup safety measure, having a friend know where I am, turning on my location — something like that. It was like a read-between-the-lines type of thing, so there were very few occasions where I would be explicit in what services I provide.

 

Out of fear of repercussions from the government or…?

Fears of implicating mess ups, legally, and also as a safeguard.  I’m not going to say I’m a professional — some people say that in a shaming way. Clients will be like, ‘Oh, if you’re a pro I don’t want to see you. I just want you to be a girl who needs financial help,’ you know what I mean? Like, ‘Oh, you’re just a girl who’s down on her luck.’

 

Where do you think that stigma comes from?

I think it’s just part of the greater stigma of sex work in general. A lot of people hold such negative moralistic views of sex in general and being promiscuous. Also if you are taking ownership of your sexuality and you’re commodifying your sexuality — [they think] you are dangerous. I have had clients say, ‘You’re not a pro, right?’ If you know too much about your rights and you know too much about what rate you can command — they’re threatened by that.

 

Because they want an illusion that they’re not engaging in this sort of trade?

Exactly. I can understand why people might feel ashamed for soliciting sex workers. In theory, because you might feel undesirable, feel you’re too old, or they might have all these internalized feelings [about] their manhood. And it’s like, no, you can solicit a service from someone — like getting a massage — and it can be just something that you need. Maybe you are too busy to date, maybe your schedule doesn’t allow for that, maybe you’re in a marriage where you’re not getting, physically, what you need.

There’s so many different reasons and I just feel like I’m in the trade of intimacy and love, and if I can offer that to people in a way that we are both consenting and both feel safe doing that, then why not? And if I can make a living doing it — and I mean, I’m barely scraping by now — but theoretically then, sure, why not?

 

What was your first experience with any kind of sex work?

I guess the first time was probably when I was 21 years old, and I had moved to [location omitted for privacy] after getting out of a long term relationship. I was in the city by myself, I didn’t really have any friends. I was working a dead-end retail job and was struggling financially to pay my rent and just thought, why not try this?

The first place that I went was Craigslist Personals. I’m trying to remember the very first time that I met [someone], but I’m not sure I remember who it was. But I do remember that I went over to someone’s home, and I didn’t have anybody to [tell], “This is where I’m going.” I wasn’t out to my family, so it was just one of those things where I was very at risk — considering my white privilege, I’m still much lower risk than trans femmes and queer people of color — however, there’s always that element of danger.

 

Do you remember how you felt after the experience?

During that time of my life, I was pretty depressed. I held a lot of internalized shame. I had a lot of internalized whore-phobia. So, it was not a good experience for me then. It was very negative, there was a shame spiral that happened, and actually, it was my birthday [when I was outed].

I turned 21, one of my clients had gotten me a bottle of expensive whisky and I was sitting in my closet-of-a-room in [location omitted for privacy]. I was online on Google Chat, talking to my ex and I was drunk and sad. I said to him, “I’ve been selling myself for money.” Which is an inherently flawed statement, because you’re not selling your body by selling sex, you’re selling sex. You’re selling a service, you’re selling an action, you’re not giving away any part of yourself by doing that.

And he had the worst possible reaction, he immediately said that I was so mentally ill that I needed to be institutionalized. He reached out to my family without my consent and outed me under the guise of being concerned for my well-being, and then promptly excommunicated me and blocked me on everything. But yeah, at the beginning there was so much shame attached to sex work for me.

 

Do you still feel any shame attached to sex work today?

Not at all.

 

And what was the process like to get here?

So, I’m 27 years old, right? There’s been a big gap. The last time I had done sex work up until that point was at 21, and then the next time was last summer [2017]. So this is actually my one year anniversary of getting back into sex work. What really spurred it was last summer there was a sex worker meet-up. I showed up, and it was just a circle. After that meet up, I was so overwhelmed with feelings of love, compassion, and understanding. I was like, all of these people are doing it and obviously we’ve all had difficult experiences through it, but you can still find empowerment through it. So I reposted my ad after that meet up, and got back on Seeking Arrangement. Then it just started happening again, and it has been kind of a life-line for me. My life has completely changed, and a lot of it is due to sex work.

 

What are some of the ways [your life has changed]?

I’ve always been a promiscuous person and a sexually adventurous person. I’ve never — no, that’s not true; I have felt shame about that, just because being raised Christian and being taught that sexual desire is inherently sinful. Meanwhile, I pegged my first boyfriend in the ass at 15 years old, so my mother knew that I was a lost cause when she found my strap-on in the closet.

 

She says lost cause, we say progressive.

Exactly. I’ve been able to come to new terms with my own sexuality through [sex work]. To have people value my time to the point where they are willing to pay for it, because let’s be honest — most of the cis-het [cisgendered-heterosexual] boys that I was fucking prior to getting paid for it — were not appreciative of my time, were not attentive to my sexual needs, and a lot of times I ended up feeling used after these disappointing sexual experiences.  But when you’re a sex worker, you can walk away with cash in hand. And then the real fucking irony is that these men are often better in bed than their counterparts, who are “too good to pay for sex,” you know what I mean?

 

So do you have any rules for yourself or lines you won’t cross?

I really just don’t like butt stuff. It’s just a personal preference, and luckily I have never had anyone break that boundary with me. That’s pretty much the only hard line that I have. Also a hard limit for me is intense physical bodily harm. With the regulars that I see, they all know me now. I’ve been seeing some of my regulars now for a year.

 

Do you have any emotional boundaries you set for yourself? Do you see clients in a nonprofessional manner outside of work?

There’s some people that, no matter how many times I’ll have sex with them, it’s still just a professional relationship. There’s been a few people who I have fallen for and have confused those lines.

 

Would you mind discussing rates? What’s more expensive, what’s less expensive — your breakdown of prices? 

It actually varies client to client. I don’t charge more for one thing or another thing. I don’t say, “Penetrative sex is this, oral is this.” I don’t have a menu. What I do is pay per meet. [With] some people, that’s one amount. Some people it’s $100 more, some people it’s $200 more — based on their financial situation, based on what I agreed to. There’s some people, who the rates change every time I see them, because they might only have so much money available and I’m desperate.

Because FOSTA/SESTA, I don’t have any new clients. [So] I’ll go over and I’ll see them for literally a fifth of my normal rate. I literally had a client yesterday who asked, “Will you come over for a Father’s Day present?” And I was like, no.

 

Do you always expect payment upfront? 

I always expect some type of compensation for my time.

 

Is it pre-established?

Often times it’s murky. Sometimes I’ll be handed a white envelope with money inside and I won’t know, until I open it later, how much I have been given. And I’ve been given very little before.

I recently had an instance [where] I met up with someone from What’s Your Price [an online dating service]. Not factoring the amount of time that it takes me to get there, time it takes me to get home, including the time I spend with him — I was getting paid very little hourly. Then the second time I met him, he was like, “Oh, I didn’t think that this was part of it anymore.” And I’m like, “Why wouldn’t you?” He’s like, “Well, it’s kind of depressing for me to think that I’m paying for your time,” and I’m like, “we literally met under those pretenses, why would that not carry over?” And he reluctantly paid me for the second date, and I honestly don’t think I’m going to see him after that.  

 

That’s shitty.

That’s a common thing for clients to try to convert you into dating. But not actually dating, literally just you fulfilling their physical needs and desires, without them offering you anything in return. I’ve had many people try and do that. Like, “Would you just come over, without payment?” No. This isn’t fun for me. I mean, it can be but…

 

You’ve enjoyed sex with clients?

Yeah.

 

Does that confuse you or them sometimes?

I don’t know. I’ve never personally felt confused. I’m having good sex so who cares? It could just come down to our chemistry or whatever. I have had some of my best sex ever with clients in the past year.

 

Do you tell them so?

Yeah, there’s a few people in particular where we’ll text a lot. That honestly can be emotional labor and can be very time consuming, but it’s something that I’m participating in consensually, so I’m fine with that. It’s like time off the clock. We’ll be like sexting, but that’s something that I’m doing for fun, to fulfill my own desires. So it doesn’t confuse me and I don’t think it necessarily confuses them either. There have obviously been times where they’ll make some off-hand joke where they’ll be like, “You should be paying me,” because the sex is so good and I’m like… no.

 

Do you use your real name?

I’m so messy.

 

Well you’re just speaking to your experience, you’re not the spokesperson for all sex workers. I should have prefaced that the questions I’m asking, I’m asking you. 

Right. I just feel like I need to stipulate that I’m not leading by example here. I always start out with a fake name. The fake name that I use is Melanie. I don’t have a last name, just Melanie. And I don’t feel like it necessarily is a name that suits me, so usually I end up telling them my real name once I get to know [them]. I’d say probably 80 percent of my current regulars know my real name. It just comes to that point where I feel uncomfortable with them referring to me as my false name. It’s not a persona that I’ve fully grown into.

 

Are your clients mostly male or female? Or have you ever worked with other queer/non-binary folks?

As far as I know, I only have cis male clients.

 

Rough age range?

Most of them are between 40 and 50. With a few outliers.

 

Who was the youngest person?

I think 44 or 45.

 

How has sex work affected your personal relationships?

I haven’t seen anyone romantically, basically, in the past year outside of sex work. So, I feel like commodifying intimacy, commodifying my sexuality has made me view [the] normal dating process a little bit differently. I’m more skeptical about it, and I’m a little more stingy with my time. If I know that I can be paid for it in another context… I guess I don’t really seek it out other places. I got banned from Tinder, banned from OKCupid — for stating that I was a sex worker. They hate sex workers, so whatever.

Friendships? I’m very fortunate and constantly grateful for the incredible community of people that surround me. So many of my friends are sex workers — it’s ridiculous, how many of us have either done it in the past or are currently doing it. There hasn’t been anyone who’s been judgmental of what I’m doing.

 

How long does it normally take when meeting someone for you to reveal that this is your line of work?

I’m probably too candid with people. And I’m probably too open and honest. 

 

For safety reasons or personal?

For safety reasons, really. I feel like I out myself to people so easily. I really do, and [to] complete strangers. Maybe take too much for granted, [because of] the community I’m in, I just expect everyone to be cool with it. Part of me also feels like it’s important, in pursuit of de-stigmatizing sex work to be like, ‘I am a human being and I am a sex worker. Hello, nice to meet you. We exist. We’re here, and we’re not hiding in the shadows.’

Of course, there’s a lot of risk that comes with that, and to be honest with you, I’m very paranoid. Particularly following FOSTA/SESTA, it’s a concern that’s been consistently on my mind.

 

I see you post about [FOSTA/SESTA and concerns for your safety]. 

I think I’ve gotten a little bit quieter on Instagram and on social media. I used to kind of shout about being a sex worker. It’s scary… there is a digital paper trail for my line of work. I don’t use encrypted text. Those are adjustments that I could easily make now, but everything that’s happened in the past year, that’s still there [exists online].

Also it makes you — there’s that cultural thing of, why should you have to go through all these sort of hoops to provide a service? Also it could discourage clients in a way, if you’re like, “Let’s use encrypted email,” cause it adds that shroud over it. This idea [that sex workers are] selling bodies for something. It’s like… people are construction workers, so many [jobs] you put your body on the line for money, so it doesn’t make sense. 

I’m fully for the decriminalization of sex work, and I participated in the rally where we were standing in solidarity with sex workers and marching for the decriminalization of sex work. Which is different than legalization, because legalization still involves the state and involves regulations. Where as [with] decriminalizing [sex work], [the goal is] people can’t be thrown in jail for it. I mean it’s obviously much more nuanced and complex than that.

 

What are the biggest misconceptions you’d like to clear up for people about sex work?

Oh, there’s so many. First of all, that sex itself is a moral issue, because sex is natural. You can be asexual, hypersexual, and everywhere on the spectrum is okay as long as it doesn’t interfere with your well-being. But I think there’s no moral values that can be placed on sex itself. There’s the victim narrative which is projected onto sex workers from outside sources.

 

That you’re forced into this occupation? 

Yes. Now that’s not to say that there aren’t many people who are, but you cannot conflate sex trafficking and consensual sex workers — that’s two completely separate issues. That’s inherently what’s wrong with FOSTA/SESTA, because they say that it’s about sex trafficking, but what you’re really doing [with] this legislation is making people go into the shadows. [By shutting down online soliciting platforms sex workers] are literally forced onto the streets, and that’s exponentially more dangerous. And the people that are at highest risk of being harmed, of experiencing violence [are] trans women of color — it’s literally a death sentence for them.

You cannot conflate sex trafficking and consensual sex work. As a sex worker, you might love your job or you might hate your job, it’s like any other job. Allowing sex workers to tell their own stories is really important. So thank you for doing this. Another misconception is that sex workers are diseased. Of course it’s part of our trade so we are at higher risk for having sexually transmitted infections, but actually, statistically, we are the most tested population. 

 

How does your queerness relate to your work? Being non-binary, do you feel that clients recognize your true identity?

I feel like, everyday is drag for me — but especially when going to meet a client. Being objectified for body parts that I felt intense dysphoria about, like my breasts, it’s a very particular position to be in. But then, at the same time, [my clients] appreciate my body. So it’s extremely complicated. But I feel like because of the age group that most of my clients are in, above 40, they don’t really understand. 

I see cis men exclusively — not by choice, just because opportunity. So these cis hetero men are very small-minded. I’ve tried to have conversations with them before about the fact that I’m non-binary [but I] don’t really know how to have this conversation with [them] because we’re speaking different languages. I feel like our generation is on a completely different plane of existence.

 

And it’s hard to get people to catch up. 

And we’re also spending such limited amount of time together. How am I going to give you queer history 101 in an hour?

 

And that’s not your responsibility. So are you out [about being a sex worker] to your family now?

It’s a little weird. My sister used to follow me on Instagram. I think she might still follow me on Instagram… but I think she stopped watching my stories because there’s a lot of things on my stories: thirst traps and me explicitly being like, “I’m going to see this client” or whatever. Before this legislation passed, I was more explicit and more candid [online]. So she pretty much knows, [but] I’ve never sat down with her and been like, “I’m a sex worker.” My mother sort of knows, but I don’t think she understands or she she’s willingly ignorant of the fact that there are sexual services that I provide. So she is aware, but she doesn’t know the full extent of it.

I almost feel an obligation to not tell them, because I don’t want to implicate them in the horrible instance that I’m ever criminalized. So the less they know, I feel, the better.

 

Are there any times you have felt frightened for your well-being, outside of FOSTA/SESTA, with clients? 

I’ve been extremely fortunate and I’m very privileged in my whiteness that I have never really felt physically threatened. Obviously, those thoughts cross your mind because you are entering someone’s domestic space, and you know really anything could happen. I’ve been tied up by people before, but there’s usually a certain level of trust which is established before I will go into being physically restrained.

I’ve been definitely made to feel uncomfortable before, but that’s more being coerced into doing things that aren’t ideal. Having unprotected sex is really the main one. But physically I haven’t had any traumatic experiences. I’ve been very, very fortunate.

 

Do you have any funny or sweet stories? 

On my birthday, my client showed up with a bouquet of flowers for me and it was really sweet. And we did Molly together at [location omitted for privacy], and that was a really intimate and tender experience that we shared. 

 

Do you foresee a time where you would want to stop doing sex work? 

I feel like I would always do it. I would always be open to doing it because I really have no baggage attached to it at all. There’s really nothing about it, right now, that makes me feel uncomfortable. The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable is when people don’t want to pay me or pay me less than my rates.

The only reason that I would foresee myself [stopping] is if something really awful happens. If there’s violence enacted upon me or if I have an interaction with law enforcement. I’ve already kind of ceased all my incoming channels. My Craigslist was taken down for investigation, which makes me really, really uncomfortable. For all intents and purposes, besides by regulars, I’m not actively soliciting right now.

 

 

Click here to get involved with campaigns protecting and advocating for sex workers. 

If you are a sex worker in need of legal or social services, you can visit sexworkerproject.org.

 

 

Alisa Ueno On Porn And Dating In Tokyo

Photo of Alisa by Shimpei Mito. 

 

From modeling to music to fashion design, there’s literally nothing Alisa Ueno can’t do.

The Japanese DJ and resident cool girl has amassed a massive online following, and a quick scroll through her Instagram is all you need to be convinced she deserves the hype. When she’s not keeping us dancing, Alisa serves as creative director of clothing label Fig & Viper. I had the pleasure of meeting the 28-year-old influencer last summer, where gave me a local’s tour of Tokyo.

I chatted with the trans-Pacific “It Girl” about the differences in American and Japanese cultural attitudes towards sex and dating, the highlights are below.

 

For those who don’t know you, how do you describe what you do?

Alisa: I’m a fashion designer, and also a DJ, and also a producer. I’m doing Instagram, as well.

 

A woman of many trades. Where are you from?

I’m from Tokyo, Japan.

 

What influence do you think growing up in Tokyo has had on you as a person?

We are so different. I think it’s because [Japan is] an island. We respect each other and other countries as well. If you grew up in Japan you’re going to be really humble, without reason, because it’s a noble thing to respect people and be humble. So I think it’s a good thing to be raised in Japan.

 

Can you talk a little bit more about that difference? I’m sure if you took the subway in New York, you’d be like ‘Ew, this is disgusting.’ 

Tokyo is so clean and everything is so organized. If you’re going to take a train, and it’s like two minutes late, they will apologize to us. Also there are no trash cans on the street, so if you have some trash, then you’re going to put in your bag and bring it home [to throw away].

 

Where do you think that aspect of respect starts? 

I never wondered that. I think from family, also TV—everyone does it, so I do it. Japanese people don’t like [being] original, they want to hide with everyone. It’s our culture, they don’t want to stand out. I think American people love standing out, so it’s really opposite.

 

Can you talk a little bit about maybe the influence of anime? The obsession with looking cute or young?

Yes. So we don’t have sexy culture.

 

Why do you think that is?

Girls on TV [ are more] cute than beautiful. More like, they don’t want them to look older, they want to be young forever. Also we have idol culture with anime. Idol means like, boy band. Girls version of is boy band. So, those idols are really like teenagers and look really young, like younger than American teenagers of course. They have to be pure. We have the idol band, called AKB48. Do you know them? They are 48 girls, and the rule is they cannot be in relationships.

 

That’s crazy. Do you think they’re ever in relationships but they hide it?

I think so. One girl did that, then she apologized in public, and then she shaved her head.

 

Her hair? Stop it. They made her shave her head?

I think she decided to, like “I’m sorry”, to show [it].

 

Why can’t she have a boyfriend, like what’s their reasoning? 

So, [in] our culture, for boys in junior high school—it’s like a baseball club [thing] or something—if you messed up, you have to shave your hair. It’s kind of boy culture.

 

Is it like a shaming thing?

Yes, it’s like a “I’m sorry.” So the girl [in AKB58] did that, and she was really famous.

 

Are you currently in a relationship?

Yes.

 

And how long have you been dating?

Three and a half years.

 

 

Have you find it harder to meet people in the digital age? 

It’s easier.

 

Do you feel like you’ve been able to build out substantial relationships from meeting people online?

I think so. In Japan, we’ve had Tinder [for the past] one or two years. So these [past] one or two years, there’s really [been an] open mind for that, but before that, they were so like, ‘No online.’ We are changing.

 

Are the Kardashians big in Japan?

No.

 

Why do you think that is?

So, they are sexy right? They are like a sex symbol. Japanese people like Miranda Kerr or Taylor Hue more like the—not conservative, but kind of conservative and cuter looks. Japanese girls like the skinny girl, and also Kawaii type of faces. That’s why the Kardashians are not that big in Japan. One of my best friends doesn’t even know who Kim Kardashian is, so.

 

Do you think that sometimes the Kawaii look gets sexualized in Japan?

Yeah. We have so many kinds of Kawaii styles, so it’s really divided in many ways. Japanese girls, it’s not [that] they don’t want to be sexual—that’s not true. They want to be, but they’re kind of shy to show off. They’re thinking, what should I wear to look Kawaii or sexy? So if you see the girl who is thinking she is sexy and Kawaii, you [as an American] don’t think it’s sexy. But in Japan, Japanese boys think it’s sexy.

 

So is Hentai [porn that is animated in anime style] really big in Japan?

So Hentai means, not anime porn in Japan. World wide, they use Hentai for anime porn, but Hentai means ‘pervert.’

 

Really? I did not know that.

Yes. So if the boys say something like, ‘Your boobs are big’ or something, then [we say] ‘Hentai!’ That’s the way we use that.

 

I’m screaming. But is that [style of porn] really big in Japan, do people watch it?

I think so. Only for nerdy people, like my brother. We use the mosaic, the blur stuff, for porn in general. So we cannot show [it].

 

So things are blurred it out? 

Boobs are fine.

 

Even in Hentai they blur parts out?

Maybe not for Hentai cause it’s not real.

 

Wait so I can go buy a porn DVD and [certain body parts are] always going to be blurred out?

Yes. So without Mosaic it would be illegal. But they can buy online [without the blurring]. I don’t know [if that’s] technically legal or not, but in general they use Mosaic for porn videos. Because Japanese people want to use imagination, as well. They think it’s more sexy. They can use imagination underneath the Mosaic.

 

I noticed when I was in Japan and you and I went to the sex shop together that men would be looking at a porn magazine and then they would see me walking by and turn away and be embarrassed. But it’s funny, because it’s like, ‘I know why you’re in this shop.’ Do you think there’s a lot of shame associated with sex still in Japan?

I think so, yes.

 

And why do you think that is?

Because our culture, we don’t say anything directly. So, it’s our culture. We don’t say ‘no’ whenever. We say ‘yes, but’… we don’t say anything directly. That culture is kind of related to sex life, as well.

 

So because people, like your saying, culturally don’t tend to say no, and instead ‘yes, but’— are there any issues of consent? 

A lot. That’s why [photographer Nobuyoshi] Araki, one his biggest muse did the #Metoo stuff. So it’s a huge movement for us. But still, they don’t speak out.

 

Do the women get shamed if they speak out?

I think so, that’s why that muse [is a] really strong woman, everyone complimented her [because] she did that. We have that kind of issue as well but I think they don’t even say [it] to their friends.

 

So what do you hope will change in Japan? And also, what do you think your culture does really well?

People would be more open, I hope. But [a] good thing of Japanese culture is that in the daylight, the girl doesn’t look sexy at all—more like Kawaii culture or anime culture. But if you have sex with her, she’s amazing. So I think it’s a fun thing for the Asian people and Japanese girls. That’s why I like to hear about stories from my friends, the boys. I don’t say, ‘How was she?’ But like, I’m kind of curious… because in front of us, she is really quiet and conservative, but she’s different at night. This is our culture actually.

 

I read that the red light district in Tokyo is the largest red light district in the world. I wanted to know if there are a lot of underground sex establishments? 

Yeah, so we have so much funny stuff. Have you ever heard of a boobs bar?

 

No, what is a boobs bar?

It’s this place where a girl comes next to you, then you can allow to grab the boobs. They pay to chat with girls [and to get a] blowjob. Soap, we call it soap.

 

So you can just go in and pay to get a blowjob? 

Yes. And sex as well—delivery health. We say ‘health.’ Delivery health is when she comes [to your house.] It’s ‘delivery health’ like Uber Eats.

 

Interesting.  Who is your biggest inspiration?

It sounds fake, but people around me.

 

I don’t think that sounds fake. Do you have any words of advice for how you got to where you are today?

Meet people. Just meet as many people as you can. And you should open your heart, open your mind—first, before they do. Then you show yourself to them. Then, I believe they will accept you.

 

I love that, that’s great advice. Lastly, you do a lot! You DJ, you have a brand, you produce… how do you relax?

Netflix. I love staying at home with my boyfriend.

 

You can follow Alisa on Instagram here. 

 

 

DoubleTap: Pink Bits

DoubleTap is an interview series highlighting creatives whose work explores sex, body, and identity.

 

The world of Australian artist Christine Yahya is a colorful cornucopia of different body types. With 62K Instagram followers, there’s something deeply endearing and approachable about her page, @pink_bits, which features a mix of hand-drawn portraits, doodles of things she loves, and a number of commissions. In a time where conversations about body positivity are rising and the movement is being increasingly co-opted by corporate entities, Yahya’s accounts acts as an authentic celebration of “the bits and shapes we’re told to hide,” honoring the bodies of people who have inspired her in addition to nameless characters she has created in her mind. What results are beautiful humans of all shapes, genders and sizes who embrace their differences, such as varicose veins, underarm hair, and keloid scars. Her work is almost like a visual record of our collective humanity, in which we can see ourselves shining back at us.

In this interview, we speak with Yahya about this body of work and her process for creating these illustrations.

 

What inspired you to launch this project?

Christine Yahya: I created the initial illustrations one night whilst drawing for leisure and took the pressure off myself to create something so serious. I’m often drawn to viewing and creating art that explores the human experience and human form. So, I took out some bootleg Copic markers I got from Armenia, and tried to find a reference photo to base my illustration and curved lines on. I ended up just wanting to see my own curves represented on paper, and actually drew from my own naked reference photos.

I quite liked what I had drawn—which for someone with a long and complicated history with their body was a wonderful feeling. So I wanted to share the illustrations, and created an Instagram page that night on a whim and continued to upload more illustrations in the [same] style. I continued sharing in the hopes other people would enjoy them, maybe see themselves in the pieces, or feel that same sense of representation I did.

 

How long have you been developing this body of work? How do you hope to grow this series in the future?

Pink Bits started around October of 2016, so close to 2 years now! It has gone by so fast. In future I’m hoping to quite simply create more and represent more people through my work! I’d love to develop and create more things for people to have and hold, that let them feel represented and understood by. I’m currently in the midst of setting up a new website and store, which will hopefully be up and running soon. I hope to collab with wonderful creatives, and work with people or companies who I admire and the respect the work that they do.

 

What is your process for creating these illustrations? Do you draw from real life? Do you make these digitally or by hand?

When approaching my sketchpad I come with a trusty pencil and eraser, and lay down the basic line work, and then apply color using Copic markers. I then scan these and add any details that need a digital touch, and prep the piece to share online—so a mix of by-hand and digital. I draw most from reference images, my own photos or experiences.

 

What has surprised you most about doing illustrations around body image and identity?

I’m surprised at just how much my perception, sense of self and self-love has shifted and grown whilst creating these illustrations. By creating illustrations to represent and celebrate as many people as I can, I’ve learned to celebrate myself too, and see things I once saw negatively on myself more lovingly. The way I view and approach my body and mind is completely different to the damaging place it was in just a few years ago. I also have a much stronger sense of self, self-understanding and appreciation that was definitely not there before.

 

How do you use your artwork to champion inclusion, diversity, body and sex positivity?

My illustrations at their core aim to champion each of these things. I do a little self-assessment of my feed regularly and try to consider who or what I haven’t represented yet, or haven’t represented in a while; I then approach my paper and get sketching, making sure I’m representing as many people and communities as I can. 

I approached my followers at the beginning of 2018, and asked them who or what they’d like to see represented this year—I often refer to this list too. I also keep an eye out for wonderful people who I’d love to draw or are doing great work in various communities.

 

What do you hope viewers will take away from seeing your illustrations?

Representation and self-love are the key things I’d hope viewers would feel when seeing my illustrations. I hope they feel understood, seen and celebrated.

 

You can follow Christine Yahya on Instagram here.

RoleModel: Buck Angel

*RoleModel is an interview series highlighting badass individuals we look up to.

 

Every year a Marriott in Los Angeles is transformed into a cornucopia of vibrators, anal beads, and sex dolls. The ANME Show is one of the largest adult accessory conventions in North America, and like any top-tier sex party—you need to be invited. One particular attendee stood out with his chiseled frame and “Pervert” tattoo bursting from his tank top, he hardly looked the corporate part. But if the pornographer turned entrepreneur’s life is any indicator, conventions are not Buck Angel’s strong-suit.

Frustrated by the lack of trans men in the adult entertainment industry, he created his own production company in 2002. Five years later, he would become the first and only trans man to win Transsexual Performer of the Year at the AVN Awards. But these days, Angel is more concerned with his community’s pleasure than his own.

In 2016, he created the Buck Off, the first sex toy specifically designed for trans men who’ve begun hormone replacement therapy but have not received sex reassignment surgery. Beyond market visibility, the product empowers gender non-conforming individuals to take their pleasure into their own hands, literally. The right to orgasm is arguably the most human of all, and to see your identity reflected on the shelves of a sex shop is a privilege most of us take for granted.

The success of Buck Off has led manufacturers to ask Angel to develop entire line of female-to-male pleasure products. We had the honor of sitting down the outspoken game-changer for an exclusive interview.

 

Could you give just a little overview of Buck Angel Products?

I created the first transgender male sex toy called the Buck Off—it’s a male masturbator specifically geared towards trans men. I made it so that guys can start to experience orgasms and start to experience their bodies without touching their vagina because a lot of guys have dysphoria about that. [It] actually became a huge hit. After that, the company I work with gave me a whole line to produce. I produced another [product] called the Kiss X, which is an FTM [female-to-male] masturbator with a smaller hole. Then I created a packer [a crotch device that fills out pants] which is called the Fun Boy. Then I created a lube called T-Lube, specifically to [get] guys talking about their vaginas and understand that it’s important to have vaginal health. That particular product puts out in the world that there’s trans men with vaginas and we need to talk about it.

 

What was the impetus for these ideas?

I always wanted to create sexual wellness products—not necessarily sex toys—and the reason I call them sexual wellness [products] is because it’s more about creating a spiritual and a wellness connection with your body. I think toys help do that, but it’s not just about like, fucking. It’s about the whole experience and really learning how to connect with yourself and your body. That’s what all my products, even my cannabis products, [are] about:  how we connect with our bodies and understand self-love, self-care. 

 

Was it difficult to get people to back these products?

Nineteen years ago, I created the first trans male platform for porn [Buck Angel Entertainment]. I started my career [in] porn as the man with the pussy, and nobody wanted to talk to me, everyone thought I was a freak. Fast forward three years, I was the first trans man to win the AVN Award. So that was a big deal. I busted through this industry and they didn’t want anyone like me here. Today they fucking love me, they lift me up.

With that said, about five years ago I started going around to all these companies asking who wanted to produce my transgender male sex toy and pretty much 99.9 percent of these people said, “No, there is no market. We’re not willing to put the money up to even try.” And then I met Steve Callow from Perfect Fit Brand and I said, “Dude, give me five minutes.” I already had the spiel—I had been doing it forever—and about a couple minutes into the thing, he said, “Dude this toy doesn’t exist?” I’m like no and he literally said, “No brainer, let’s do this.” And that’s the rewriting of history. We created the very first trans male sex toy together and it was just boom. 

 

When you first got into the porn industry, who was directing the videos?

Me! I created everything. I lived in Louisiana, I took a camera to swamps and I would jack off and I would film all my own stuff because nobody would even film with me. At the time, I was married and I would get my wife to give me blowjobs and stuff. One of my first movies was called The Adventures of Buck Naked. And then a company came to me and they signed me with a twelve picture deal. I was the very first trans man to ever get a twelve picture deal—which is huge. But that company ended up being total fucking assholes and ended up not paying me and ripping me off.

 

Did you take them to court?

I’m just the guy that says, “Really?” You cannot fuck with me because it actually puts me in a place to become even more successful. So I took all my [videos] from them and walked away and started Buck Angel Entertainment. [Which] was the best thing that ever happened to me. I started my own company, and from starting my own company is when I started to produce and direct and create all my own platforms and all my own movies.

 

Do you think it’s important for there to be porn that is directed by trans people?

One hundred percent because it comes from your own space. You know, there isn’t a lot a lot of trans men in this industry and I still encourage them. I got a lot of shit from the trans community in the beginning. They said shit like, “I can’t believe you’re saying you’re a man with a pussy. That means everyone thinks we’re men with pussies.” I mean, they took it [to be] all about themselves. They said, “You don’t represent us,” and “How come you don’t have enough people of color in there?” And I was like, “You know what? If you understood what I’m doing, you would stop saying that to me and actually pick up a camera and create your own porn.” Create your own, like stop making me the man who’s represented. I never represent, I do not represent anybody but myself.

 

They put you on a pedestal [as if you] are the voice for the community?

Always. They always do. I have guys in this community that hate me and think what I do is wrong or that I say things that are wrong because I’m very much of a person who will speak my mind. If you don’t like the fact that I went around talking about my vagina, go figure out your own shit—that has nothing to do with me and stop telling me how to react, how to talk, how to represent myself. I’ve never represented trans men.

So I created a whole platform called Sexing the Transman, and I created a whole series of porn which I call docuporn. And basically I interviewed trans men, all different kinds, and I talk about their bodies and then I basically have them undress and do a sex scene for me. A lot of schools in this country carry it in their libraries. I’m the first person to actually really sort of talk about trans male sexuality and bodies in such a huge space. People are curious about our bodies, and I think it’s important for people to see our bodies because once you show people, they stop asking. If you tell people, “Don’t ask us about our genitals,” they’re curious, they wanna know. That’s why I’m the guy like, “Ask me! I’ll tell you. This is what our genitals look like, big deal, now can we move on?”

 

Have you always been this comfortable or was it a journey?

No, of course not! I mean I hated my vagina, dude. When I was a girl I hated my vagina and then as I started to transition I hated my vagina even more. I wanted to have a penis, but I transitioned 22 years ago and they didn’t have these kinds of [medical developments], and the things they had were not cool and I didn’t like it and I didn’t want it. I’m very much of a perfectionist.

Now with that said, I don’t care if you get a penis. Go right ahead, do what you want but do not force me or other guys. There is a part of this community that says you’ll never be trans unless you get the penis surgery. Go fuck yourself! Look at me. I go everywhere in this world. My pussy is everywhere, dude. No one says a word to me. And this is what I want people—not just trans people—but everyone to see. We are all different. We have different bodies, we have different sex, we have different everything. Celebrate your difference! Don’t feel intimidated by other people because you’re different or don’t feel that you have to hide difference. Fuck that. Celebrate our differences. That’s what a community is about; it’s about independence, it’s about having individuality, it’s about having diversity and that creates a community. Why do people want us all to be the same?

Think about it, even in the gay community in that there’s so much ageism, so much body shaming… all of this shit because they want you to fit in this nice little fucking space, and that is not okay with me. We are individuals first before we are a transgender community.

 

A little bit about your background, where are you from originally?

Born and raised in LA and then I moved to New Orleans and I lived there for four years . Then Hurricane Katrina hit. I was married at the time and we just were devastated by it. It was so racist and it was so gross and I hated the United States… Bush… I moved to Mexico because of that and lived [there] for 10 years. Then I moved back to LA because I went through a bad divorce. She challenged my gender [to get out of paying spousal support], said I was really a woman after 10 years of marriage. It was horrifying. But I won. Which was the first case in the history of the United States court system about somebody challenging somebody else’s gender in a marriage and I won! Do you know, if I didn’t win, how fucked our community would be? It would challenge every gay marriage, it would challenge every transgender person’s identity. People don’t know the shit that I have gone through in order to create change for our community. I don’t need a pat on the back, that is not why I’m saying it. What I’m saying is I need respect.

These children out there who have no idea what their elders have done for this community and the privilege they have today need to be spoken [to], because they are coming from a place of entitlement. So when I get attacked by my own people, it’s distressing for me because I do this for you. I don’t do this just for me. All I ever ask for is just respect me.

 

Do you have a favorite product in your line?

Well, my Buck Off because that’s the beginning of everything. It’s gotten me into mainstream and speaking all over the world. People respect me now and that’s a big deal for me. Do you know how hard it is to go from sex work into [the] mainstream? It’s almost impossible. That sex work [history] is like gum on the bottom of my shoe, I’m just like, “C’mon already, I did that a million years ago!” I’m not a porn star anymore, I’m an innovator. I’m an entrepreneur. I’m a speaker. I’m so many other things, but because I did porn it’s like, “Oh you’ve done porn, you’re a porn star!”

 

Why do you think that is?

Oh, it’s so many things. First and foremost, we don’t respect porn in this country. It’s a shaming thing, as if sex was bad. So that’s really what America’s about: shaming on every level, shaming you for your body, shaming you for your choices—unless you fit into that neat little box. And that’s why this visibility, your visibility, my visibility, these kinds of websites that you do are very important and people like us need to find our space.

 

That’s a big part of why we do this. I write a sex column for the site because it’s all about demanding respect for every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality. Talking about everything openly and explicitly because that’s part of being radical.

It’s part of life and it’s part of un-stigmatizing. I’ve unstigmatized a man with a pussy. You don’t have to be okay with your vagina. What you do need to do is walk tall. If you walk around like [we’re ashamed of] ourselves with our sexual desires then people feed into that. People feel your fear, they feel your anxiety and then they act that way to you. 

 

The Buck Angel products are so amazing because, a step further than visibility, you’re giving people within the trans community the ability to please themselves—which is such a human right.

Thank you. Yes, I’m a human rights activist! That’s what I am.

 

Have there been stories [about Buck Angel products] that people have told you?

It was important for me to give back to my community, say, “Look at my life! Look at how amazing [it is] and it’s really a lot to do with sex. I want you to have the same thing that I have.” And that is really one of the reasons why I did create [Buck Off] because I don’t wanna see my guys suffer. I’ve seen guys write me to say, “I cried, I [had] never orgasmed at 28. I couldn’t believe the feeling, you’ve changed my life.” I get tons of emails like that and, to me, that is everything. I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish.

 

Even with all of your success, is it still difficult to operate in these more corporate sexual wellness spaces?

I’m the shit [at ANME] and I don’t mean that like a bad thing. I created a toy that didn’t exist in a market that’s a billion dollar market. This is about innovation and when you innovate, they respect you. 

My porn didn’t exist, my pleasure products didn’t exist, my lube didn’t exist, and the fact that people are giving me the opportunity is a big deal… and these are cisgender men. That’s another thing that our community needs to stop doing: bashing cisgender people. It’s horrifying to me. Without cisgender people we would not be where we are. They are our allies. I have two cisgender white men [working with me] who are my fucking allies. Without them we would not be creating these products.

 

How do you personally define an ally?

I personally define an ally as somebody who understands my goal, what I’m doing, who I am, with no judgement and only help and only gratitude and only good energy. That’s an ally. 

 

Do you have any advice for some of our readers who want to be allies to the trans and queer communities?

Just be loving, have an open heart. Want to learn about us, put all your preconceived ideas of what a trans person is or what a gay person is away, because everything you’ve learned is wrong. I’m telling you right now, everything. Never ever come at us with anger. Ask questions! Not everyone wants to answer them but I’m the man. If you ever have a question, ask me.  

 

Are there any difficult aspects that come with all your success and publicity?

Yeah, I would say the majority of the things come from my own community. It’s a very small part. I wouldn’t be here without my community and I do it for my community, but there are a group of people out there who are hateful and I’m pretty sure it’s about my success. You don’t have to agree with me, I don’t want you to agree with me if you don’t. *laughs* That’s ridiculous! But all I want for you to do is respect and understand my ultimate goal. My intentions are obviously very good.

 

Where do you think this collective queer habit of tearing each other down comes from?

It comes from insecurity. It comes from not working on your own shit. I don’t feel like that about anybody in our community because I work on my own shit. I take responsibility for my own actions, and my ego isn’t fucking inflated so much that I’m worried about what other people are doing—because that comes from your ego. That’s what’s happened within our community. We have inflated egos. We also have this idea that we’re better than everybody else. We have this idea that we can tell people how to be trans. Like, wow, stop! We have to learn self-love. When you learn self-love, you will not attack people, you won’t. So that’s where it’s coming from, a hurt community. 

 

Can you talk about your self-love process with all this public pressure and your busy schedule?

I’m traveling the world and I speak and I do all kinds of stuff that I feel so blessed to be doing. With that said, I will get drained. People just take my energy. I give it freely but they take it and it’s pretty intense. So how I stay centered is I spend time by myself at home, where nobody else lives with me. I go to the gym a lot because that’s my therapy. I work on my physical self and I work on my own mental self and I really just give myself love. That can be with food, that can be with sex, marijuana… self-love isn’t one specific thing, it’s figuring out what makes you feel good and what makes you feel loved and what makes you feel like you can continue to do what you’re doing. 

 

What does the future for Buck Angel look like? 

In store for the future is really focusing on my cannabis company, because, financially, that’s going to make me enough to open a house for trans kids who are homeless. They get kicked out of the house, they have nowhere to go, so I wanna open the Buck Angel Home and that will just be fucking amazing to have. 

I’m [also] a founding board member of a home called Transform, here in Los Angeles. Transform is a house for post-incarcerated transgender people, staffed by all transgender people. It will specifically focus on being trans and how we can help create a better life for you so you don’t go back into incarceration.Trans people suffer in incarceration, especially trans women of color. It’s a very big population there and they get beat the fuck up and nobody cares so we have to care.

That’s the other thing, people, we need to care about our own community! If we don’t help our own community, nobody will. You can’t just take from the cookie jar because if I go to that cookie jar and it’s empty I’m gonna be fucking pissed!

 

You can order Buck Angel’s products here, and keep up to date on his latest projects by following him on Instagram.