Does Erasing Cyber Reality Erase Our Actual Reality?

I had come to expect many things through the year of my breakup. I expected to cry deeply and often, to blacklist certain songs, and to send flurries of problematic “I miss you” texts to my ex. I’m a Leo sun with a Scorpio moon — sue me.

I expected certain milestones to hurt, like the first time I saw him move on to somebody new or when a birthday passed and we didn’t spend it together. What I never expected was the intense pang of sadness I felt when I saw my ex had deleted photos of me from his Instagram feed. A strange ache reverberated through my body for days.

It seems pretty insane to type out, but the pain of this realization was sharp in a way I couldn’t liken to any other feeling I’d felt over the course of my heartbreak. First, he deleted a photo he had posted of me just a few months before we broke up. The moment I saw this was one of the first times I felt sure about our new future: it wasn’t going to magically work out when we saw each other again. Naturally, I cried for two days.

Several months later, after we’d met up again, I scrolled through his feed and saw that he had deleted another picture of me, a rather ambiguous one where he’d shot me from afar, standing in front of a building in Gothenburg where we were visiting briefly. Why delete this picture? What about it was so compelling, so telling of our relationship, that he had to delete it? The act of deleting felt so aggressive, somehow — so obnoxiously purposeful.

I hadn’t deleted my photos of him. I still haven’t. Does that mean I’m holding on to something that I can’t let go? I don’t think so.

I think social media provides us with this peculiar way of storytelling, and perhaps it’s narcissistic, but the story is our own. I want to one day be able to look back at those odd little squares and read their stories of a time when I was 19 and 20 and 21 and in love for the first time. They hold deep connections to a memory, but they don’t necessarily signal a longing for a person. At least not for me.

Something about the mourning of deleted pictures feels like a parody of our times. It’s impossible to imagine this scenario outside of a modern, digital context. In a time when online and offline lives are rich enough to be distinguished from each other, the act of removing little pieces of evidence from this online space feels particularly jarring. A deleted photo translates into something much deeper in meaning, to the deletion of proof of our existence together.

I’d always tried to hold myself to the doctrine that one day, after the hurt had softened, I’d be able to look back on photos and relive the memories with gratitude. That I’d be able to see the soft things, the beautiful and happy things, not only the sad. Photos are potent in that way, and I hoped (and still do) to feel neither removed from this person nor bound to him. I hoped to just feel grateful, and it hurt me to think that he didn’t feel the same. That he wanted to cut me out of his memory — even if just on social media.

Recently, my ex posted some pictures of him and his new girlfriend. I didn’t feel sad when I saw them. Maybe I felt a bit vexed, seeing that he’d moved on so quickly (Leo sun, Scorpio moon, remember?), but those photos ultimately meant nothing to me. I’d made it through the worst of my heartbreak and I was alive. I was okay. Seeing him with someone new didn’t hurt me like I once thought it would. And it certainly didn’t hurt as much as his deletion of our cyber reality together — proof that we once existed in the same physical reality together as well.

First photo by Leo Chang and the remainder by Karen Rosetzsky.

Not Your Mother’s Gift Guide

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RoleModel: Erika Lust

RoleModel is an interview series highlighting badass individuals.

When we think of game-changers, the name Erika Lust often comes to mind. Quite simply the most influential living female pornographer, her work has exploded the boundaries of the adult film industry. Tired of watching porn made for and by men, Lust took the camera into her own and began to create work guided by female viewpoints, feminism, and storytelling. Since entering the scene in 2004, her films (which she often conceives, writes, and directs) have won countless awards. She’s since launched her own production company which continues to make films that are as politically radical as they are sexy. Basically, she’s the Gloria Steinem of pornography.

I got the chance to pick the legend’s brain.

Do you remember the first time you saw porn?

Erika: The first time I saw porn I was at a friend’s house having a sleepover when we found an adult film that belonged to her dad. We were excited to watch it and to uncover the mysteries of sex, but we were so disappointed with what we saw. After that, I left [porn] alone for a long time until my college boyfriend suggested watching some together. I tried again… he liked it, I didn’t. I was bored of watching films where the woman’s role was to give pleasure to the man, yet her pleasure was completely ignored. I knew that there was so much more to sexuality than what was depicted in these films. Plus the cinephile in me couldn’t understand why all of the porn I saw lacked imagination, a story line, relatable characters and cinematic qualities. I understood that it was made with the sole purpose to arouse, but I didn’t understand why we had to forfeit the satisfaction of our other visual senses!

Can you tell us how you got started in the porn industry?

I first became interested in the adult industry when I was studying and read Linda Williams’ book Hard Core: Power, Pleasure, and the “Frenzy of the Visible.” It showed me that porn was its own genre, with its own history and it was a specific cinematic trend. Porn is part of a wider discourse on sexuality, Williams explains that porn always wants to be about sex, but on closer inspection — it’s always about gender.

This sparked my interest in porn, but it wasn’t until later that I acted upon it. My first film, The Good Girl, was a humorous take on the classic pizza delivery boy porn trope. I cringe a bit looking at it now, because it’s technically poor, but it was a start and it still somehow works! The film was really cute and completely different to what we were used to seeing in mainstream porn. I put it online and it ended up getting 2 million downloads!

That’s when I realised there were other people out there looking for alternatives to mainstream pornography, and so I decided to start making adult films that reflected my own ideas and values on sex and gender. I went on to direct four more adult features before starting XConfessions [one of Lust’s better known film series] in 2013. XConfessions is an audiovisual project where users send me their sexual fantasies and I turn them into explicit short films. At the beginning it was just me making the films, but two years ago I started a worldwide open call for guest directors, so now we have filmmakers all over the world turning confessions into films and showing us their take on sexuality. It’s a really beautiful crowd-sourced project.

Did you always know you’d end up working in adult film?

No, not at all! It wasn’t something I really contemplated until I was living in Barcelona. I moved here after my degree and was initially looking to work in international development, but I was in need of some money and took a job as a runner on a tv set. I worked hard and made my way up to production assistant. Then I suddenly had this restless feeling of wanting to make my own movies. So I took a few night courses to study film direction, and once I had saved enough money to make my own project I made The Good Girl.

Did you receive pushback from anyone in the industry in regards to your woman-centric approach?

Yes, definitely. People are still more annoyed by me being a feminist, rather than a pornographer. Certainly at the beginning of my career men in the industry did not want my feminist perspective coming in to change “their porn.” They refused to acknowledge the problems in mainstream porn — the complete disregard for female pleasure, the harmful categorization and othering, gender role stereotyping, the relentless male gaze… the list goes on! Anyway, I was making something that prioritised the female experience, and they didn’t like it.

We each approach feminism in our own way, and the movement is constantly growing and expanding, but it seems that our feminism is suddenly under intense scrutiny. There is a legion of judgemental people looking to police and find faults in other women’s actions. It is undeniable that, because I’m a woman who is vocal about what I dislike in the industry and because I’m pushing to have an impact, I will attract a lot of criticism. There is still some backlash against feminist pornographers because we live in a society that is often sex negative — especially towards women — and there is still a lot of confusion over exactly what “feminist porn” is. I don’t see half of the criticism I receive being given to male L.A. studio owners, who have done nothing to change the industry at all.

What upsets you most in the mainstream porn industry?

I am really concerned with the way certain fantasies are presented and categorized in mainstream porn and the “othering” involved using this criteria. There is a reduction of the performer to their primal feature (size, age, ethnicity, etc.). A lot of sites still put all people of color into exoticized genres, set apart from “regular” porn. Categorization is a really harmful issue for performers and racism in the porn industry is jaw-dropping. Not only are the films marketed with racialized language but the sexual content exclusively relies on racist stereotypes as a motive, which dehumanizes the performers. Interracial porn is not a thing for me for instance, it’s just people having sex.

Porn has never been known for its delicate treatment of marginalized groups — and that clearly includes older performers, too. When scenes are shot with MILFs, they don’t exactly set out to break down ageism so much as to exploit it. It’s also obviously not a true representation of older generation sex, some performers film their first MILF scenes in their early 20s. This is something I’ve wanted to address for a while, and I recently had the opportunity to make a film with a mature couple who wanted to showcase their sexuality and their version of slow, soulful sex. It’s a really beautiful, emotive sex documentary and it will be released on XConfessions next year, so stay tuned for more info!

How would you define feminist porn?

There is still a lot of confusion over exactly what “feminist porn” is. For me, it reclaims a genre that has traditionally been seen exclusively as the purview of men. It’s made by feminist directors who directly inject their feminist values into the films. Women have leading roles behind the camera as directors, producers, art directors, directors of photography, etc. making active decisions about how the film is produced and presented, and the stories are told through the female gaze.

Feminist porn creates a sex positive space for women to reclaim their sexuality, pleasure, and desires. Women are shown with sexual agency, owning their pleasure. Men and women are treated as sexual collaborators, not as objects or machines. The films promote role equality and there is no gender stereotyping, which is ultimately harmful for both men and women. In the films, the culture of consent is paramount. There is never any simulation of coercion, pedophilia, or abuse. There is no depiction of aggressive violent sex or rape scenes (not to be confused with BDSM practices). Diversity is key and the films push the representation of human sexuality and identity, showing the diverse ways of desiring and having sex. Marginalized groups are represented without being fetishized or categorized.

Feminist porn is so important because we need to show the world that female pleasure matters. Not because male pleasure doesn’t matter, but because we’ve been watching a type of porn that completely ignores women sexuality for too long. And it’s important to understand that porn has the power to liberate! It doesn’t have to be a negative part of our society. We can create porn where people can see themselves in those films, to see the sex they have, to be inspired, become educated, and receptive to the huge range of different sexualities out there. And most importantly they don’t need to be exposed to one version of porn that teaches them toxic values.

Does your work ever get pirated onto larger free sites such as PornHub?

Yes, all the time! Just recently I was in a battle with PornHub asking them to remove some of my XConfessions films but they were ignoring me. Until I called out their behavior on Twitter, they didn’t do anything — and the DMCA compliant notice forms my employee was sending were a waste of time. These sites are a huge problem for the industry, and they’ve put many filmmakers out of business.

Sites such as PornHub are not making their own material, they’re stealing it. They traditionally rely on “users” uploading content to the site who should declare that they have the rights to do so, but it’s clear that amid large quantities of fully licensed material, content exists on PornHub that is infringing copyright. But because they claim to be a completely user generated content site, they’re protected by the provision that they can’t monitor copyrights of every video uploaded.

When a filmmaker finds that their content has been illegally uploaded they can report it and the tube site is served with a DMCA takedown notice, upon which they remove the stolen content. However, the next day the same video is often re-uploaded by another (sometimes the same) user. Obviously small porn studios do not have the time to be trawling through tube sites looking for their content every day. Therefore content goes up faster than studios can issue demands for it to be taken down.

The pirating business model has completely decimated the industry and put many production studios and performers out of business. The industry is no longer as lucrative as it once was. When you shoot your own content as a performer or as a production company and the content is uploaded to the tube sites, it does not matter if it is watched one million times, you are not getting any money from those views. This has pushed many companies to closure and others have lost lots of money. For many of those that survived they’ve had to change how they work by making lower budget films.

Lower budget films can often means less money for the performers. When PornHub launched in the 2000s, performers’ wages dropped massively. Most of them now also do other forms of sex work to create further cash flow in order to create a brand around their name, gain fans, and become well known. This is the way for performers to gain financial security. When a performer has many different income revenues and treat their career as a business that has to be handled professionally and responsibly, then they can save for the future. It’s really hard work.

In my case, I have very loyal customers who know the importance of paying for porn, and they pay for the content I license and the short films I shoot. I’m not targeting the average porn consumer who is looking online for infinite amounts of free porn.

How do you think porn influences the young people who watch it — specifically, young men?

Porn can be particularly harmful towards young people when it teaches them to prioritize male pleasure, shows them harmful gender roles, ignores the importance of consent, shows particular body types as the norm, and presents hard-core sexual fantasies as the only way to have sex. For boys, they may learn that they’re supposed to “perform” a certain way — be very dominant, choke, and slap the female without asking for their consent, last for a certain length of time, cum all over her to signal the end of sex, etc. This can not only leave a lot of young men incredibly anxious about their performance, but also teach them very harmful behaviors for when they come to have sex.

The issue we have is that kids are curious and pretty much every time they type something sex related into a search engine, they’ll be greeted by something like PornHub where they’ll be bombarded with a lot of degrading, disrespectful sex which doesn’t always appear to be consensual. We can’t stop kids from finding these sites so instead of ignoring it or trying to ban it (which will never happen), let’s educate them. By acknowledging porn, it immediately becomes less shameful and opens up a dialogue, which leads to healthy, active learning! Parents who don’t talk to their kids about what’s online are leaving the porn industry to step in as their children’s sex educator.

Good, up-to-date, useful sex education is lacking pretty much everywhere. We know that a huge percentage of schools are not providing adequate sex education. At no point in a child’s education does anyone teach them about consent, which seems like a pretty crucial lesson to me. Our kids aren’t oblivious to sex. Porn is always going to exist, so giving kids the tools to be critical and aware of what they’re watching is unbelievably important! They should be able to differentiate between the types of porn and understand what respectful, equal sex between consenting adults is. When they are old enough, they will see that certain porn can promote gender equality, intimacy, diversity, affirmative consent, safety, pleasure and sexual freedom and exploration.

These concerns are exactly why my partner and I started the non-profit website The Porn Conversation, which offers tools for parents to talk to their children at home. By having open and honest conversations, they will develop much healthier attitudes towards sex and relationships. They will be able discuss their feelings, communicate their sexual desires, and be happier people for it!

I’ve read that you work primarily in Barcelona — is there something about Spanish culture that influences or permits your work to thrive?

After I finished my graduate degree in Sweden, I moved to Barcelona and immediately felt that the city was much more receptive to my vision. My ideas and values on sex began to take shape growing up and studying in Sweden, but it was in Barcelona that I started working as an adult filmmaker and created Erika Lust Films. When I first moved here I felt so liberated, I felt like I could be or do whatever I wanted. I had no eyes on me and I was away from the high standards in Sweden that required me to be more polished. Barcelona gave me the creative freedom to start making adult films. My friends were of all different sexualities and genders, and on the whole the people here are very open minded and sex positive. Sexuality is something to embrace and celebrate, and the people are creative, inspiring, and sexy. I continue to work mainly in and around Barcelona, but thanks to my guest directors program, we now have XConfessions films shot all around the world!

What are you hoping to change in the porn industry?

My mission has always been to show that women’s pleasure matters. I want to show that women have their own sex drive and desires, and are not passive objects exclusively focused on pleasuring the men. XConfessions is adult cinema that is smart, sex positive, and respectful to women. It offers a representation of women’s pleasure and sex on screen that challenges the unchecked misogynistic attitudes, racist categorizations, and degrading narratives of mass-produced porn. Gagging, slapping, and vomiting are presented as mainstream fantasies. Of course some women like these things, but they shouldn’t be presented as the alpha and omega of sex. With my films, I show women enjoying themselves while receiving and giving pleasure in relatable scenarios. Women have their own sexual agency and take ownership of their sexuality and their bodies. It doesn’t matter if the film is kinky, romantic or anything in between; what empowers women is to have a voice in the story and to seek their own desire. And in turn I can squash the belief that women aren’t as aroused by sex on screen as men!

When I first started out female pleasure was missing in a lot of the mainstream porn on the free tube sites. In recent years this has thankfully started to change, there are more female filmmakers in the industry with loud voices and who stand by their work. This includes brilliant filmmakers such as Shine Louise Houston, Jennifer Lyon Bell, Madison Young, Bree Mills, Jacky St. James, Jiz Lee and Holly Randall — to name a few! Plus, with my ongoing guest directors open call I also have that community of new filmmakers who want to show different sides of sexuality and other cinematic perspectives. It’s great to be able to get more voices, more depictions of sex and sexuality, and more people doing something different to a lot of the mass produced stereotypical porn on the free tube sites.

Another thing I really want to change in the industry is to show that adult films can have cinematic qualities. Most of the typical mainstream porn on the free tube sites is devoid of cinematic quality and beauty. We’ve lost the golden age when films were feature-length, released in theatres and reviewed by respected media. Now we have low costs, no filmmaking prowess and low-grade quality. On XConfessions, we invest around €17,000 in every short film. We pay a professional crew to work in styling, location, art direction, cinematography and we also invest in post-production, sound, color correction and take equal care of the arts and graphics that accompany the films.

What is the process of finding your actors like? Are their certain traits, physical or emotional, that you look for during casting?

In terms of the performers, we look to work with performers who share our philosophy and want to do cinema to ensure the best experience for everyone involved. Our casting process is long and thorough. We always make sure our performers are 18+, have had their own sexual experiences, are sex-positive and 100% happy and enthusiastic to be involved. We get to know them long before we start filming, and the performers get to know each other too, so that it feels natural for them. The people I work with are fantastic well-rounded individuals who have made clear choices to reach the decision to perform in adult cinema.

How do you ensure your cast and crew feel safe — can you walk us through what some of those conversations may look like?

I think over time, from my position as a director, I have created a safe space on set and shown that an XConfessions film is a collaborative project, with both cast and crew. Everyone’s opinion is completely respected, heard and valid on my set. I also have an on-set talent manager who looks after the performers on the day of shooting to make sure they are taken care of and have everything they need. It is our responsibility to help performers feel comfortable speaking up and ensuring their boundaries are respected for their full comfort and consent.

From the start of Erika Lust Films, an ethical production process has been vital to me. This goes from small things such as feeding everyone on set, to performers being able to stop shooting anytime they feel uncomfortable. Of course, shooting an adult film is challenging and we do our best to make sure performers are looked after and feel comfortable throughout but sometimes mistakes happen. We are not perfect. Now that I have the guest directors program, there are more people than ever before making films for XConfessions, some of whom have never directed an adult film before. So, to ensure that my ethical production values are maintained across the board, we recently developed two documents; Performer’s Bill of Rights and Guidelines for Guest Directors to shoot with Erika Lust, which are a mandatory read for anyone making films for XConfessions.

How would you define a sexy porn scene?

The ingredients for a sexy film are creativity, cinematography, consent, realism, and equality. Sex should be shown as fun and full of passion — the performers should be able to laugh and have fun if they want to! Intimacy plays a huge role, the performers should be connected by the narrative in the story, through the direction and camera shots. If there is no intimacy it will feel cold and detached. The viewer should be able to answer the question, “Why are these people having sex?” to truly feel the eroticism and excitement of the film. And of course pleasure is important, obviously porn is fictional and I’m not saying the performers have to have a real orgasm in every film, but the viewer should be able to feel that they are having fun. I have a general rule that I don’t direct the sex at all, I let the performers do what feels natural and pleasurable to them. I think this is a good way to get good results on screen.

To keep up to date on Erika Lust’s latest projects, you can visit her website or follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

To read more about how parents can educate their children about online pornography, you can visit thepornconversation.org.

Photos (in order of appearance) by Erika Lust, Daniel Klaas, Vilgot Sjöman, and Erika Bowes.

What Happens When The Beauty Standard Is White

Whenever I go to the south of France in summertime, I find myself surrounded by thousands of beach-goers who bask in some long-awaited sunlight far from the city gloom. Sitting on their towels, I see swimsuited women accentuate their bronzed skin with tanning products that would never be as popular in Asia; “美白 (mei bai),” which directly translates to “beautiful white,” is a key phrase I have often heard in Chinese skin-care commercials. There, pearly skin is held to be glamorous, a sign of cultural refinement.

This paradigm has been deeply rooted in Chinese history. Since the Han Dynasty (206 BC-220 AD), one’s social class can been defined by the tone of their skin: the peasantry is known to work long hours in agricultural fields under the blazing sun, giving them a tan that distinguishes them from higher-class citizens.

Elevation of pale skin is widespread on the Asian continent for reasons that often link back to Western colonialism. In Japan, the arrival of Commodore Perry and his American ships in 1853 was succeeded by the Meiji Restoration in which Japanese men and women began imitating Western fashion and appearances. Similarly, Korea was introduced to Western beauty standards after opening its ports to foreign powers in 1876.

Nowadays, white skin is so desirable in China that many invest in skin whitening products, never forget to carry umbrellas on sunny days, and use Asian photo-editing apps that are automated to lighten their complexions. Representation of the wide range of pigmentations that exist is scarce for a country with a population of more than 1.3 billion and 56 ethnic groups. Most famous actors and singers in the nation have light skin tones, and that is no coincidence.

Clearly, some major aspects of Chinese culture send a strong and hostile message in terms of what skin tones are desirable, and even acceptable. While this is bad enough, these prejudiced standards have also seeped into China’s perceptions of other cultures and, in turn, encourage anti-blackness. A recent example of this is the eruption of the discriminatory reactions in China to the release of Black Panther — a movie that was celebrated on other continents for its almost all-black cast. One online reviewer called it “almost a torture for the eyes” for the “dark color of the movie.” Another reproached the movie for its “political correctness” and blamed the “group of black shadows fighting” for his urge to leave the movie theater early.

The “beautiful white” that is so desperately sought after by the Chinese quickly and dangerously translates to a resentment of other skin colors. And yet, this sentiment is often vastly overlooked — normalized even. An example of the normalization of this hatred could be observed when Chinese actors were put in blackface to appear African on a television skit, and the government brushed off accusations that this was problematic, even after facing widespread criticism.

My French-Congolese friend has been one to experience the blurred lines of cultural discrimination and curiosity in Shanghai; his hair is shamelessly touched on the subway, parents pull their children away from him, and he’s even been subjected to tense confrontations where he’s been told to “go back to his country.” As Asian territories are globalizing, it has become evident that skin preference isn’t an issue that limits itself to mere beauty standards; it is becoming a cultural hurdle. While this kind of clash may be initially uncomfortable for everyone involved, I do believe that progress can and must come from it.

Studies have shown that media representation of different ethnic groups is essential for these communities’ social presence as well as for the education of viewers about their lived experiences. It’s also noteworthy to remember that these representations, if derogatory (such as the aforementioned Chinese blackface), can seriously impact and subsequently skew audiences’ perceptions of other ethnicities.

Undoing beliefs that have been instilled for centuries is an obvious challenge, but it is significant to remember that our society has never been more exposed than it is now to a media that is challenging the parameters of beauty worldwide. In the case of China, a place currently considered a job hotspot for expats, I believe that the positive media representation and physical growth of different ethnic groups will allow for a substantial increase in representation. However, this alone is not enough. Ensuring that this representation is both empowering and ethical is the crucial next step in order to achieve a world with not only tolerance, but admiration for the countless skin tones that do, in fact, exist under the sun.

Photos (in order of appearance) by Takeshi Takagi, @Rosey-Ballerina, Ren Hang, and Fumi Nagasaka.

DoubleTap: MacKenzie Peck Makes Porn For Everyone

DoubleTap is an interview series highlighting creatives whose work explores sex, body and identity. All photos courtesy of Math Magazine.

In 2015, MacKenzie Peck decided to start a pornography magazine, and rather than elevating the industry’s usual subjects, the 31-year-old and her team turned the camera to bodies of all identities. Every shape, size, and age can be found in an issue of Math Magazine. Their commitment to showcasing the diversity of human sexuality has made them one of the most radically inclusive porn magazines on the market. She sat down with her fiancé, Dan Allegrucci, to discuss the challenges and importance of re-imagining what erotic content looks like.

Do you want to give a general history of Math Magazine?

I first had the idea for Math Magazine when I was having a sort of summer of sexual self-discovery. I was being introduced to a lot of amazing people and ideas that I didn’t know existed but I was very excited to discover. During this time, I wasn’t seeing media that reflected this quickly expanding world of sexual freedom, exploration, and community. Leading up to this time, I was looking for the opportunity to start my own business. These two paths of sexual exploration and entrepreneurial-ism converged on Math Magazine.

The first seed of the idea was planted when I was at a house party in Baltimore and I was kind of doing my own thing, hanging out — didn’t really know any one, when I saw this group of women walk past me and go upstairs. Naturally I followed to see what was going on. The whole group started to play dress up in a way that was really sexy, playful, and exciting. It felt like a very special moment that I wanted to experience as much as possible in my life. I had visions of Hugh Hefner, Playboy Mansion — a fun and sexy environment like that. That’s when I decided I wanted to start a porn magazine. I told everyone who’d listen about it but it took a few years for things to really get started.

That’s how it started, why do you continue to do it today since it has evolved?

With the first photo shoot and the first issue, I was really relying on people to trust me and to believe in this idea, this vision for what the magazine is meant to be and what it could be — the potential it had. I knew it was a lot to ask of someone. Because, why? Why would someone bare all, quite literally, for something that didn’t exist yet. It really came down to trust. Ever since that realization, I had this commitment to basically be beholden to the people who work with me. I like the idea of honoring the contributions and perspectives that people are bringing to Math Magazine. I think that pushes me forward. This idea that I have this commitment, this promise to everybody who works with me on the magazine [and the readers who are] interested in reading the magazine. That’s what keeps me going and working on it year after year.

Do you have any cool projects, issue releases, events, or anything else exciting coming up?

We just launched a crowd-funding campaign for an adult coloring book. This is a big set of firsts for us. We’ve never done a crowd-funding campaign and we’ve never published a title beyond Math Magazine. And we certainly have never done a coloring book before! It’s really ambitious because it pulls from content from all of our past issues with a redesigned, re-imagined look for the optimal coloring experience.

You gave some of the origin story, aside from that, what would you say inspired you to start Math Magazine?

My ex-husband, when I was in college in Baltimore, introduced me to these ideas of being able to [own] your own business. I think I understood a little bit of it because I was being trained as an artist, and I think there is a lot of entrepreneurial-ism in that. Nevertheless, to me the idea of starting my own company from nothing was pretty foreign. He taught me about the power of design. With great skill and finesse, I would see him typeset something and completely transform the page. That had a major impact on me and I learned a lot from that. When I was starting the magazine I was also thinking about maybe starting a design firm or a creative agency and kind of trying to get a sense of these different business landscapes. How do you get started? What do you need to really break into these industries? I found the most empowering thing about starting a magazine was that the only thing I needed, really, was the money to print. For Math Magazine Issue Zero, I started with just 50 copies because that’s all the money I had. From there it has grown steadily. That was my only kind of gatekeeper and since then it’s been astounding to discover that I’m more free, in my experience, in print than I am in any other medium. I’m really in control of all of it and that has been really empowering.

Was there anything growing up that steered you into publishing, which a lot of people think of as a dying field? What is it that drew you to that?

I grew up with magazines and newspapers around. I grew up with a real respect for Vogue and the New York Times. I think it makes sense to me that the role of Editor in Chief is something that where I see a lot of mystique. It’s a position of creative power, freedom, and glory. I think having the artistic mentality draws you to the physicality of print or the physicality of the object. For me, seeing my ideas realized in physical form feels more substantial … well that’s changing a little for me. We just started a YouTube channel and it feels pretty good to upload a video, I’ve got to say.

Radically inclusive porn, that’s what Math Magazine brands itself as, how has your personal relationship with porn evolved throughout your life?

My earliest experiences of porn felt yucky. I feel like all conversations around it were kind of grossed out, cringe-y [with a] “don’t look at it” mentality. I must have searched stuff on the Internet but I don’t remember anything specifically. A big thing for me growing up was maybe less porn and more talking to people in chat rooms. Anonymous chatting was my flirtation with sexual expression or learning, even. I remember finding my parent’s copy of Joy of Sex. In high school, I was obsessed with being a figure painter. I would look at sexually charged figure painters like Balthus. Maybe I didn’t even understand my attraction to it but I was really into these ambiguous sexual narratives. I would create these in my paintings. I had a painting on this giant piece of plywood and it was called some sort of mysterious Sapphic thing. I don’t know who gave me that word. When I think about these different nodes on the timeline I see this attraction to and flirtation with these different types of sexual expression or communicating around sexuality. It’s kind of neat to see it in retrospect.

It sounds like you didn’t grow up with a significant engagement with porn, per se, [rather] you encountered sexual media of various kinds. But it sounds almost like you reached a point in life where you seized upon porn and claimed it for your own and decided to plant your flag in that and make it something to this point it hasn’t been.

I like the idea of it becoming something that isn’t embarrassing and for there to be this wide range of experiences and expressions. That summer of sexual awakening I was realizing what an amazing range of sexual experiences exist and what an amazing range bodies [also exist]. I was in love with it all, hungry to see and experience as much as I could. With the Internet I’ve definitely appreciated being exposed to different peoples’ perspectives, like, the experience of bodies that don’t look like mine or feel some way that I don’t feel. Being able to encompass all of that in the medium of porn, as well as every other, is a beautiful thing — something to be celebrated.

Why do you think creating inclusive porn is important?

As a young adult, in my 20s, I consumed porn in a pretty limited way. I think of it, even today, as pretty utilitarian. Like, I’m trying to do a thing: I’m trying to have an orgasm. I’ve got this much time I want to put into it. I think that has been the vast majority of my experience with it but I think the applications are wide and the interpretations of it are vast. It seems the media that is the most common in porn is such a narrow sliver of that experience and it seems like a damn shame to me that that’s the case. That’s my main mission: why not have the medium of porn reflect the amazing diversity of bodies and sexual interests out there? It’s outrageous to me that it’s so monopolized by a couple of viewpoints.

Do you feel like by making it inclusive that it gives permission or emboldens people who wouldn’t be interested or wouldn’t allow themselves to consume porn — that it kind of opens the door for them?

Absolutely. If all the content is made by and for a very particular perspective and experience… if you’re not seeing people that look like you or seeing people you are attracted to, why would you even explore it — never mind get excited about it?

It’s almost like the inclusivity is more important than the porn-ness. You know what I mean?

The porn-ness is a part of the inclusivity, though, because kink-shaming or the idea of tender masculinity not being accepted or the idea that certain sexual expressions are only valid for certain types of people… I think upending all of that is a part of the inclusivity.

What have been some of the obstacles in creating and running an independent magazine?

Being kicked off of very popular and powerful platforms has been a problem. We used to have a Facebook and we don’t any more. Living with this insecurity that you are building these followings, you are building these communities on these platforms and at any given time the rug can be pulled out from under you. There are some trust issues there. Not being able to harness the power of these advertising tools, honestly, sucks. I glimpsed, briefly, what it’s like to use Facebook ads for Instagram and Facebook and it’s pretty amazing. To use that kind of tool for the positive work that we are doing could be really powerful and it’s a shame that we can’t.

I wish I could hire people to work for me. I wish I could pay everyone more. Those are hurdles that I face. I wish I could reach people who aren’t specifically seeking out progressive porn. I wish there were more entry points to reach the people for whom maybe it could have a significant impact on their lives.

How do you maintain Math’s political agenda while keeping the sex appeal intact?

I think I have to say no a lot in order to amplify voices that don’t get the platform or the printed page enough. There is a lot of media that is sexy, but isn’t always in line with our values. It would make my job a lot easier if I just said yes to all that stuff, but if it’s not really pushing the narrative forward, socially, I don’t use it. In some ways I have to say no to a limited viewpoint in order to give an enthusiastic yes to everyone else. For each issue I’m trying to find high caliber content that hits certain notes in terms of representing certain types of people or scenarios.

I guess this might be a challenge, too, that I’m always looking to amplify voices that aren’t given the mic enough. There’s this funny chicken or the egg situation where if you don’t see yourself in porn then you’re not super willing to put yourself out there like that because the world isn’t really supporting you. So I definitely put in the extra legwork to find the bodies and voices and photographers that don’t get seen in mainstream media enough. It’s harder but it’s essential to what we do.

It’s about saying yes to people and helping them see the possibilities. That’s the true power of it; it’s like a shining light.

I fight the status quo with love, sex, and beauty in a way that is very subversive. I use the metaphor of the pill that you wrap in the cheese to give a dog. So the pill is the political mission of the magazine and then the cheese is the beautiful images, the fun stories. No matter what we do, the top line item is that we want to turn people on and we want to expose people to sexy ideas, within that is our agenda of sexual liberation, diversity in media, and intersectional feminism … to name a few.

Do you have an all time favorite feature or spread from Math Magazine?

That’s a cool question. I don’t know, here is the first thing that came to mind: I was blown away by the shoot where we had bubbles. I really like experimentation in my personal sex life so maybe that has something to do with it. I met this bubble artist while co-working in the city. I think he goes by Bubble Daddy. So I’m working in this stuffy co-working space, one day I got up to this guy practicing his bubbles in this carpeted office, which is weird in itself. And I was like, “Hey man, what do you think of encasing a hot woman in a bubble?” And he’s like, “Uhhhh, ok!”

Cut to being in the studio and we’ve got this bubble guy and he’s got all this gear and we’ve got this amazing model, photographer, an assistant, and me. It was a big team, for me at least. Being able to learn from this bubble guy and watch him experiment and make all these off-the-cuff decisions in support of our vision was amazing. We were all trouble shooting together. It was really hard work and we made a mess. The photos are incredible. The experience of making the image was really special. I remember we were cutting it really close on our time slot in the studio and we needed to clean up. I swear the five or ten minutes after you say you’re done, that’s when you get the good shots. We’re trying to clean up this bubble soap stuff and I kind of notice that the model, photographer, and bubble guy are still going and it looks like it’s really good and I’m going to shut up and just keep cleaning and let them do their thing. I think sometimes giving people permission to be done allows them let go or suggest something they wouldn’t otherwise. It’s really magical.

The theme through that seems like playfulness. The terms “play party” or “butt play,” and using the word play in a sexual way is really cool. I think maybe once the shoot is over, and everyone drops their guard the play can happen. If you could magically change one thing about the mainstream porn industry what would it be?

One thing? I would want it to become normal for it to pay for porn again. Full stop.

You can pre-order Math Magazine’s adult coloring book here. You can stay up to date with the publication through Instagram and their website, www.math-mag.com.

Pre-order Issue 7 here.

Porn: a Generation’s Teacher

This article originally appeared in Pull Out, our magazine exploring the relationship between sex and technology. You can order a copy here.

Bathed in a mixture of LED, shame, and lust I remember the first time I masturbated in front of a computer screen. Like clockwork, every day after school I would take half an hour to explore my sexuality in front of my family’s Windows 7.

While pornography, with its heightened depictions of sex, is nothing new — how we interact with it post-millennium is. Nowadays, you don’t have to worry about scrounging up the funds or an 18-plus friend to buy a Playboy or Penthouse magazine for you. The digital age has made it possible to get every type of porn imaginable, free of charge, in a matter of seconds. Therefore it’s worth examining if, as a generation raised in the glow of internet porn, we relate to our sexuality fundamentally different for it.

“I was just trying to figure out how things would work,” admitted Candace Puente, 22, one millennial interviewed on how porn has affected her sex life. Almost every other millennial we talked to described developing an online viewing habit while they were still virgins, turning to Xtube and Brazzers to fill in the blanks left by their schools’ sexual education programs.

“Porn showed me what sex could look like. Tumblr showed me the science side, so like why she/he is climaxing. Any remaining questions [went] to the internet,” said Eli Congelio, 21. For much of today’s impressionable youth, porn provided a visual example of the mechanics involved — well sort of.

Nicholas Walton, a 21-year-old heterosexual man, described being initially misled by videos’ depiction of male-on-female sex. “When you watch a lot of porn, all the dude does is stick his dick in her a bunch of times, and she’s just moaning and screaming her ass off… and then when you go into the experience [of sex] it’s not like that.” The scenario Walton describes is commonplace in online pornography; female actresses in straight porn are notoriously vocal, expressing satisfaction with their scene partner(s) in an exaggerated manner. While this is a choice no doubt encouraged by directors, it can foster unrealistic expectations of sexual response.

“You kind of think anything will be good,” continued Walton, “but what you quickly realize is for your partner, it might not be.”

Alec Chi, 22 and also straight, said online porn misled him regarding the amount of time it takes to stimulate women to the point where they are ready for penetration. “The girl has to get more wet,” he concludes now, having gained real life experience.

Reversely, when asked if porn accurately depicts the way women get off, 22-year-old Claire Reaves responded via email, “I guess there are women out there that get off on aggressive, jack-hammering whatever, but that’s not reflective of what I’ve heard from my friends or my own experiences.” Meanwhile, when asked the same question, the heterosexual, cisgender millennial men interviewed admitted that most porn, at least on a basic level, demonstrated a viable depiction of male sexual pleasure.

This idea of varied gender perspective came up often during interviews, begging the question: who is porn made for? Most videos seem to favor one gender’s fantasies over the other, with the women acting as a vessel for their male partner’s satisfaction. In mainstream porn, it’s not unusual to see an actress gagging on the actor’s dick while he sprinkles down expletives like “dirty whore” or “cock slut.” The performers involved have likely planned this exchange, and this behavior would be fine if consent were reiterated on screen. However, it almost never is. And it’s not likely that a young man, boner in hand while watching this interaction on his laptop, will consider such behind-the-scenes negotiations. This can send the message that this kind of behavior is acceptable without consent, and worse — that women expect it. If this is the case, is it possible that porn is conditioning a generation of boys to believe this dynamic is the norm, and for a generation of girls to expect it?

While not all porn shows male-favored circumstances, female-centric content is less popular with male viewers. In 2015, PornHub reported that women typed something similar to “guy licking pussy” and “man eating pussy” in their search bar 930% more than men did. Keep in mind that millennials (ages 18-34) account for 60% of PornHub’s worldwide users, and 76% of users are male. In the same year, PornHub saw a 260% search gain for men looking up “extreme gangbang” and “creampies,” which is when a man orgasms in a woman without a condom.

It’s in this capacity that online porn can become a dangerous tool, a negligent educator that feeds its viewers false depictions of sex. Naturally, young people internalize what they watch, especially if it’s the only action they’re privy to. This can generate a misalignment between what we expect sex to look and feel like and the actual reality of intercourse.

However, the millennial relationship with porn isn’t all bad.

For a generation that went through puberty with a desktop readily available, the discovery of porn often coincided with the discoveries of our bodies — to outright condemn pornography is to disregard a vital component of millennial sexual development. For many of us, our erotic exploration began in front of a computer screen; our lust acting as compass as we navigated the hidden depths of worldwide web. This demystified sex, introduced many to future kinks, and in my particular case, helped me discover my sexuality. My pornography preferences forced me to confront my orientation. As I typed “gay sex” into the Google search bar, the correlation between who was inspiring my orgasms and what that meant became increasingly clear. Maybe I should write to the PornHub execs and thank them?

Despite all the inaccuracies perpetuated by the industry, more than one millennial interviewed described porn as having a positive effect on their sexual confidence. “I wanted to be as comfortable as those people were to be filmed,” said Puente. She said it helped to see people look uninhibited while having sex, offering an example of a level of performance confidence to aspire to.

However, it was in the same vein mainstream porn fell short for millennial viewers. Many stated they preferred to watched amateur, homemade videos, opting for realness over production. They craved context and a sense of connection between the parties involved, feeling as though porn actors often appear too detached and rehearsed. Overall, most of the millennials I spoke with regard porn fondly. It was their first taste of the real thing, a crucial teacher, and watching online videos of both men and women expressing sexual pleasure helped instill the notion that sex should be a mutually beneficial act, even if the industry depicts this unequally.

While older generations (and even some of our own ranks) will never tire of branding millennials as emotionally stunted, it seems much of what this generation craves sexually are the truths of IRL intercourse: messy, fumbling intimacy.

Photos by Luke Gilford.

Paintball

The following content contains explicit descriptions of assault which may be triggering to those affected by sexual harassment or violence.

The first time I was sexually assaulted, I was 16-years-old.

I was a junior at a prestigious boarding school that I had begged my parents to let me attend. That night was the second weekend of the school year. It’s over three years ago now, but I still remember what the early fall night air smelled like as I walked home from the gym with the boy who assaulted me. I still remember the strange, bitter tang of soap in my mouth as I scrubbed my tongue in my friend’s dorm room.

The second time I was assaulted, I was still sixteen. I still went to the same school, and this time it was a different boy who made me feel so horrible that I spent all night scrubbing my mouth out with soap until I was gagging.

When I left high school, I thought I was leaving that part of my life behind me. I was no longer going to be the girl who had a panic attack in the fluorescent-lit bathroom, digging her nails into her forearms.

I thought that I could choose to be happy, to leave my experiences with violence in the past. I started my freshman year at Dartmouth, and immediately joined a group that does work with sexual violence prevention. I met amazing women, and I felt like the work I did was making a difference. At a college with an overbearing drinking culture and a dominant Greek system, I felt my friends and I were making campus a little safer, even if we only influenced a few people.

Then, I was raped at Dartmouth.

It had happened to girls I vaguely knew, even close friends. But when it happened to me, I finally realized what it was like to feel unsafe at all hours of the day. Sure, it was helpful being around people who I knew cared about sexual violence prevention and cared about me, but no one can spend all-day-every-day being protected. Alleged rapists walked freely not just at frat houses or dimly-lit parties, but through the dining halls, libraries, dorms. They are in the places we study, sleep, and eat. Nowhere felt safe for me anymore. I was terrified and unhappy — but that was not the worst part.

The worst part was that people knew and still know that this kind of thing is happening, and they choose not to care. Not caring is easy. Being complacent is easy. Being friends with perpetrators is easy. What’s difficult is acknowledging one’s own participation in the vicious cycle of harm.

People don’t care. They show up to soccer practice, to frat meetings, to parties, but not to anything that might — God forbid — make them uncomfortable. I hope that some of you will read this (hello frat boys!) and I hope that it ruins your day, just like every single day of my life is ruined by the harm I have experienced. Unlike the rapists who so easily run away from the fact that they are rapists, I can never run away from the fact that I am a survivor of sexual violence.

In places that are overrun with sexual violence, we need men to step up and do the work. Not because women don’t want to do it, or are tired of doing it, but because people listen to and respect men. I wish this weren’t the case, and I’ve tried to do prevention work while ignoring this fact. But the simple truth is that men listen first and foremost to other men. Their teammates, their fraternity brothers, their friends. Women can share their stories — I can share my story — but people don’t give a shit about things unless it starts to affect men.

I believe men at Dartmouth care about preventing sexual violence insofar as it helps their own reputation, or the reputation of their fraternities. For most of these men, the issue is not life and death. They don’t spend their days on campus ducking into bathrooms to throw up because they saw a rapist, or running home at night because they’re terrified of being alone in the dark. Some men at Dartmouth will say that they’re “passionate about sexual violence prevention,” then shove your head onto their dick so hard that you’re gagging.

A friend of mine once said that he “couldn’t even get the guys to show up to paintball,” much less care about sexual violence prevention (sometimes frat brothers play paintball together for some fun, non-hazing bonding). Somehow, rape and paintball have become analogous in our world — something the guys might have the time to worry about, but probably not.

I organized a march against sexual violence over the summer with my best friend who is involved in the same prevention organization as me. We took turns screaming from a megaphone, holding our signs above our heads as people joined in the march. For about an hour during that August night, it felt as though other people maybe gave a shit about the innumerable women who were (and are) violently raped at Dartmouth. But the next day? Not so much.

My friend’s rapist had the audacity to show up to our march. He stood with his fraternity brothers, yelling that “rapists are not welcome here” while our march snaked down fraternity row and across campus. He left the march after a short while, probably to go get shitfaced with his brothers and rape someone else.

The boy I had been sleeping with all summer did not show up to the march. When he saw me a few days later, he said that he was at a party, getting fucked up. “You would have hated it,” he told me. “Thanks for coming to the march,” I replied sarcastically. He slipped on his ray bans and changed the subject, because he didn’t have to care.

So, as one frat brother once asked me, “what are some implementable night-to-night solutions?” Well, show up to paintball. Start thinking about sexual violence — no, caring about sexual violence. And not just because some guy who isn’t your frat brother assaulted your friend’s girlfriend or your little sister. Care because sexual violence ruins the lives of women on Dartmouth’s campus and around the world. Care because you are all complicit — no, culpable — in the cycle of violence that rules my life, and the lives of countless other strong, amazing women.

Listening To My Body

The following content may be triggering to those affected by eating disorders and/or body dysmorphic disorder.

We’ve heard that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a person. Someone who doesn’t have many insecurities, someone who can approach another with a smile and conversation, and someone who walks around with their head up and shoulders back. But how do you become confident? How do you just wake up one day and decide that you’re happy with what you look like?

One of my biggest issues the past few years has been my body image.

I believe being signed to a modeling agency for roughly a year was a major contributor to the undiagnosed body dysmorphia that I may have. On top of that, having a social media account that has access to hundreds and thousands of models, artists, and “Insta baddies” has not helped. What has helped is accepting that my body was made to be cared for, nourished, and treated well. It was not created so that I could skip a meal for a smaller waist, destroy my knees while I squat to further tone my butt, and to be treated as if the only purpose my body served was to be some flawless object that supposedly grants me acceptance or perfection. To this day, I am not quite sure why I care so much.

Only just last year did I start to make the shift into a healthier, healthy lifestyle. I was working out two years ago, but for six days a week I was doing too much cardio, straining my knees, and crunching as if the “pouch” on my stomach wasn’t supposed to be there. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that pouch is supposed to stretch out enough to hold a child. So it definitely serves a purpose and wasn’t created to destroy.

During that year, I devoted myself to eating beans and rice for dinner and cutting out pizza, cake, and ice cream. I found myself spiraling downward. There’s nothing satisfying about waking up in the morning to check on your body before doing anything else. Most people wake up, stretch, meditate — instead, I was walking up to the mirror, pulling up my shirt, and checking how thin or toned I looked. I feared going out to dinner with friends, anxious about what I could order that was low carb, low sugar, low fat. Indulging in pizza, my guilty pleasure at the time, was something I’d look forward to a week in advance. I’d plan the day when I’d allow myself to have it, and then after eating two slices, I’d usually walk into my room and cry, scared this moment of “weakness” would setback my progress.

While I don’t blame social media entirely for this sick obsession with being toned, scrolling through and seeing beautiful, glowing women definitely contributed to my constant body insecurity. Even reminding myself that roughly 60 percent of these photos were Facetuned and Photoshopped did not help.

I’ve always had this extremely confusing relationship with my form.

Growing up, I despised being thin. I was teased constantly, told by boys I had crushes on that I was “too skinny to date.” As I grew up, I worked to gain weight. I hit the gym, drank protein shakes, and ate as much as I could. After a few months of that, when the weight added on, I went back to wanting to be thin. I was never satisfied with what I was seeing.

Today, I can say I’m happier with myself than I was before. I haven’t consistently hit the gym in about a month. Some may label me as a lazy college girl that can’t find time to be healthy, but to me, this is progress. My 19-year-old self would have an absolute panic attack if she missed two days of the gym, or inhaled the amount of tortilla chips that I just had. Eventually, I’m going to find myself back there and on a routine, but this time, hopefully my mindset will be healthier. I still have my days, but there is something about not obsessing over the way you look that’s relieving.

I’m happy to say that these negative thoughts are not as constant as they were before. I always told myself I needed bigger lips, a smaller nose, a bigger butt, a slimmer waist… the list goes on. Now, I look at myself and have accepted that my flaws are only flaws to me. If you let go of the voices that label parts of yourself “bad” or “ugly” — maybe you’re stop viewing them as flaws. Unfollowing the insanely “perfect” models on Instagram helped me with this. I no longer wish that I looked a different way (well, maybe sometimes), and I’m finally free from the insecurities that held me back from living as happily and fearlessly as I could.

So what can you do about this? The feeling that you don’t look good enough to wear a two-piece swimsuit, that jeans accentuate your “muffin top,” or being scared of eating something covered in cheese. Well, some of these things helped me heal:

Surround yourself with people who share the same goals as you. If you know someone trying to recover from an eating disorder or someone battling body dysphoria — work together to make progress. Go out for pizza and stay with each other until the next day. Go for jogs together, talk about how happy you are with the parts of your body that you once considered flaws.

Stay out of relationships that hinder your progress. Being told by someone you care about that your butt is too flat, your arms too hairy, or that your crooked tooth looks funny is mentally harmful. Take a step back and think about the way life would be if you cut out this toxic criticism.

Stop looking in the mirror so often. It does nothing positive. Use the mirror to apply your makeup and get ready, but if you are catching yourself staring in the mirror too long, tell yourself to walk away and find a distraction: Netflix, a book, talk to a friend — don’t get on social media.

Wear clothes that you are comfortable in. If you’re having a bad body image day, pair an over-sized hoodie with some platform boots, wear a big t-shirt with a pair of shorts, or put on a loose sundress. Wear things that will make you feel good.

Last but not least, do NOT overwork yourself. Listen to your body, people! Doing so will lead us to the right decisions. This goes for everything. If something in you is saying, “I’m tired, please take a nap instead of running 5 miles” or, “I think you want dark chocolate and wine,” — please listen. Everything should be in moderation, of course.

You are not alone in whatever insecurity you are struggling with, and even the people you least expect to be going through it — are probably going through it. You are loved and so are your love handles.

Who Is Brett Kavanaugh?

In June of 2018, Justice Anthony Kennedy retired after having served 30 years on the Supreme Court. With his retirement, he left one of nine spots on the Supreme Court open. The court is the highest federal court in the United States, and its primary function is to interpret the constitutionality of laws, acts, etc. Their rulings have a major effect on the upholding or suppressing of civil and human liberties. Supreme Court Justices serve for life and are nominated to the position by the sitting President. To be confirmed, the nominee must approved by the Senate. Trump nominated Brett Kavanaugh; here’s what you should know.

So, who is Brett Kavanaugh?

Brett Kavanaugh is currently a justice for the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit. He has served on that court for over 12 years and has heard many major cases. Historically, he has ruled in a significantly conservative manner.

What’s an example of a major case he’s taken part in?

Last year, Kavanaugh was part of the three-justice panel that heard the case Garza v. Hargan, which had already been appealed by the government and had gained significant media attention. The case regarded an undocumented 17-year-old’s right to seek an abortion while being held in federal custody. Kavanaugh voted in favor to keep the minor in custody until she could be assigned a sponsor—which he did not see as placing an undue burden on her right to abortion. Effectively delaying the minor’s termination by over a month. Ultimately this decision was overturned by a larger court, which Kavanaugh again disagreed with. The minor was eventually able to attain her abortion with no further delay. Kavanaugh is believed to be pro-life (anti-abortion).

He’s been accused of sexual assault.

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, a professor at Palo Alto University, wrote a letter to Congress members accusing the Supreme Court nominee of pinning her down on a bed, attempting to remove her clothing, covering her mouth when she tried to scream, and sexually assaulting her at a party when they were both teenagers in the early 1980s. She initially requested that her identity remain anonymous, but then went public with her story.

Kavanaugh has denied these allegations. Ford has agreed to testify before a Senate committee regarding the assault.

What are the chances that he is confirmed?

It was previously believed that the confirmation vote would be close. The Senate is currently made up of 51 Republicans and 49 Democrats, and it was suspected that the vote would be split between the parties (Kavanaugh has a more conservative ruling record, making him an unattractive candidate for liberals), although there are still many Senators who have not taken a clear stance.

However, the recent sexual assault allegation has received extensive media and its affect of public and Senate opinion of Kavanuagh remains to be seen. It is worth noting that Justice Clarence Thomas was accused of sexual harassment by his former employee, Anita Hill in 1991 during his confirmation process. He sits on the Supreme Court today.

If confirmed, what impact would this possibly have?

Although Kavanaugh’s leanings in the past do not necessarily dictate his possible future on the Supreme Court, we can look to them as a guide. Whereas recently retired Justice Kennedy took a moderate stance regarding social issues, Kavanaugh has shown significantly more conservative leanings. If he’s confirmed, the Supreme Court would be compromised of a 5-4 Republican majority. There is large concern that—given that a case regarding the right to abortion is making its way up to the Supreme Court— Kavanaugh could be the key vote in overturning Roe v. Wade (the landmark case in which the Supreme Court ruling made abortion a constitutional right in the U.S.). It’s also highly possible that, if Roe v. Wade is not completely overturned, there could still be partial changes made that would make seeking an abortion much more difficult.

Additionally, if confirmed and assuming he is guilty of sexual assault, a message will be sent to survivors that their attackers will not be held accountable.

Would abortion become illegal if Roe v. Wade was overturned?

It depends on the state. According to an analysis done by the Center for Reproductive Rights, 22 states are at high risk of abortion being completely banned if Roe v. Wade is overturned. Another 8 states are at moderate risk, while 21 states seem to have additional laws in place that will protect the right to abortion regardless of the Roe v. Wade ruling.

Does the public have any say in Kavanaugh’s confirmation?

Ultimately, the Senate will be voting to confirm/deny Kavanaugh’s place on the Supreme Court Justice. A specific date for this vote is yet to be set, but it’s rumored to be taking place this fall. If you want to weigh in, call your state Senators and let them know why you think Kavanaugh is fit/unfit to serve on the most powerful court in the country.

*Roni Bowen is an editorial intern for Killer And A Sweet Thang.

Self Love?

One of the greatest ailments of millennials and Gen-Z’ers today is image: body image, perceptions of our intelligence, and overall social reputation. An extremely self-conscious generation of tenacious dreamers, we often question ourselves during even our smallest movements of the day. For example, I utilize the window reflections on streets to check my appearance.

I walk out of my house, dorm, or workspace and I ask myself if I’m okay. I don’t ask myself if I’m feeling okay mentally or emotionally, but rather if I’m acceptable. Am I okay to be seen in the presence of others? How am I perceived by the people around me? Do I fit these standards or am I an anomaly?

It seems like today’s society is progressing towards a culture that embraces self love and a wide variety of shapes and sizes—so why is it that I focus so much energy on fitting a set of model-like aesthetics that are only going to go out of style anyway? The answer is simple: I have not learned to accept myself on my own terms. There’s a lot of pressure in naming myself the sole proprietor of my happiness, and these days, ever-changing standards of societal validation are not helping.

It seems obvious, but self love has to come from yourself.

Sure, it is extremely empowering to see such a revolutionary movement of acceptance sweeping the nation. Companies like Aerie, with their new lingerie line Aerie Real and even Rihanna’s Fenty Beauty, with its Beauty For All makeup campaign—remind me of the progress that society is making in expanding beauty standards and teaching young women to embrace themselves the way they naturally are. However, I can’t shake the feeling that I am still relying on celebrities, models, and social media influencers to teach me how to accept myself. Societal norms are starting to reform but, reformed or not, why are we still basing our self worth on fulfilling norms? That’s hardly self love, is it?

I’m beginning to learn that I am my only reliable source of self validation and acceptance. So while it absolutely is a positive thing to rejoice in the body positivity movement and applaud companies like Aerie and Fenty Beauty for taking those essential steps forward, we also have to find the things about ourselves that we can appreciate without relying solely on that outside influence. For example, when was the last time that I listened to my Spotify playlist and complimented myself for having awesome music taste? Or the last time I ate an amazing meal and thanked myself for fueling my body plentifully? Positive self talk is key in determining how we feel about ourselves.

I have realized that current body image reform has also had other effects on my self esteem. While different body shapes are being celebrated, society is still setting limits and conditions on what’s a “normal” or “womanly” body type. Now, instead of frail wrists and toned legs defining womanhood, it is accepted and encouraged to embrace curves. Rather than being another option for how a woman’s body can appear, however, “curves” are just an addition to an already complicated body equation. Keep the slim waist, add a thicker ass, subtract the stomach rolls… what’s left is the continuation of an already exclusionary body culture.

This culture quickly becomes dangerous when eating disorders will affect 10% of college-aged women and 10-15% of all Americans. They manifest when there is a constant need to assert control over one’s self and find things that need to be “fixed” or “perfected.” I have personally struggled with this vicious cycle. Within an eating disorder lies the cruel reality that there will never be a finish line or point of satisfaction. I would look for validation where it wasn’t applicable—such as in Instagram models who serve as physical representations of the current unachievable body ideals—and then would further strive for numerical goals that would reset themselves whenever I “reached” them. Like today’s ever-shifting expectations, I was constantly finding new standards for what my ideal body should look like. It was a never-ending acceleration that did not slow down until I learned to rely not on what my body type or weight should be, but on loving myself based on the body I have. I had to find ways to be happy that were not dependent on what jeans size I wore.

The smiling faces behind the iPhone screens also have a story. Contrary to popular belief, celebrity body icons and other public messiahs have real lives, real emotions, and living, breathing bodies different from ours. People are people, not just images on a screen, and when we buy into socially endorsed ideals for inspiration and validation, we strive towards physical goals that have nothing to do with us as individuals. We lose the human aspect of it all.

An example of this screen-to-reality dissonance comes with Alexis Ren, a 20-year-old model and social figure who has amassed a significant social media presence. With 11.7 million Instagram followers, Alexis’s public platform is a hub for “fitspiration” and public admiration. Because of the reputation of her platform, it came as a shock to many of her followers—me included—when, in an interview with Cosmopolitan in May of 2017, Alexis revealed that she had actually been struggling with a severe eating disorder for years. The smiling L.A. model girl who effortlessly posed on beaches and showed off her washboard abs while eating pancakes was not, in fact, happy with her “perfect” body.

Similarly, the relationship with her model boyfriend portrayed on both of their Instagrams was a mask for her personal struggles. In the Cosmopolitan interview, Alexis noted her influence in the media and how “… I felt like my body was the only reason why people liked me.” The model found herself in an endless cycle of under-eating, eating a little bit, and then feeling guilty and over-exercising to compensate. It was astounding to me that someone so beautiful and “perfect” could be feeling the same way I did. For me, Alexis was physical proof that the motivations for eating disorders and other dysmorphic insecurities were cripplingly irrational, and therefore could not be lived with.

When I scroll through my Instagram feed and longingly examine these celebrities’ lives and bodies, it is easy to turn around and compare their supposed happiness to my own. What I miss is what’s going on behind the scenes. I misinterpret the lives I look up to. No matter how far I go to perfect myself, it will never be enough because I’m not loving myself on my own terms. Self love cannot realistically be on terms with societal ideals or my eating disorder.

At the end of the day, seeing other people love themselves—or present an image of happiness—will not help you love yourself. Happiness and self love require positive self talk, appreciation, and acceptance. The world is a hard enough place externally without internal criticisms. I have realized that I am virtually in charge of how I feel about myself. If I can take mere seconds out of my day to thank my body and realize what an incredible feat it is to make it through the day and thrive in this modern chaos, there is no reason why self love shouldn’t be achievable.