Listening To My Body

The following content may be triggering to those affected by eating disorders and/or body dysmorphic disorder.  

 

We’ve heard that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a person. Someone who doesn’t have many insecurities, someone who can approach another with a smile and conversation, and someone who walks around with their head up and shoulders back. But how do you become confident? How do you just wake up one day and decide that you’re happy with what you look like?

One of my biggest issues the past few years has been my body image.

I believe being signed to a modeling agency for roughly a year was a major contributor to the undiagnosed body dysmorphia that I may have. On top of that, having a social media account that has access to hundreds and thousands of models, artists, and “Insta baddies” has not helped. What has helped is accepting that my body was made to be cared for, nourished, and treated well. It was not created so that I could skip a meal for a smaller waist, destroy my knees while I squat to further tone my butt, and to be treated as if the only purpose my body served was to be some flawless object that supposedly grants me acceptance or perfection. To this day, I am not quite sure why I care so much. 

Only just last year did I start to make the shift into a healthier, healthy lifestyle. I was working out two years ago, but for six days a week I was doing too much cardio, straining my knees, and crunching as if the “pouch” on my stomach wasn’t supposed to be there. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that pouch is supposed to stretch out enough to hold a child. So it definitely serves a purpose and wasn’t created to destroy.

During that year, I devoted myself to eating beans and rice for dinner and cutting out pizza, cake, and ice cream. I found myself spiraling downward. There’s nothing satisfying about waking up in the morning to check on your body before doing anything else. Most people wake up, stretch, meditate —  instead, I was walking up to the mirror, pulling up my shirt, and checking how thin or toned I looked. I feared going out to dinner with friends, anxious about what I could order that was low carb, low sugar, low fat. Indulging in pizza, my guilty pleasure at the time, was something I’d look forward to a week in advance. I’d plan the day when I’d allow myself to have it, and then after eating two slices, I’d usually walk into my room and cry, scared this moment of “weakness” would setback my progress.

While I don’t blame social media entirely for this sick obsession with being toned, scrolling through and seeing beautiful, glowing women definitely contributed to my constant body insecurity. Even reminding myself that roughly 60 percent of these photos were Facetuned and Photoshopped did not help.

I’ve always had this extremely confusing relationship with my form.

Growing up, I despised being thin. I was teased constantly, told by boys I had crushes on that I was “too skinny to date.” As I grew up, I worked to gain weight. I hit the gym, drank protein shakes, and ate as much as I could. After a few months of that, when the weight added on, I went back to wanting to be thin. I was never satisfied with what I was seeing.

Today, I can say I’m happier with myself than I was before. I haven’t consistently hit the gym in about a month. Some may label me as a lazy college girl that can’t find time to be healthy, but to me, this is progress. My 19-year-old self would have an absolute panic attack if she missed two days of the gym, or inhaled the amount of tortilla chips that I just had. Eventually, I’m going to find myself back there and on a routine, but this time, hopefully my mindset will be healthier. I still have my days, but there is something about not obsessing over the way you look that’s relieving.

I’m happy to say that these negative thoughts are not as constant as they were before. I always told myself I needed bigger lips, a smaller nose, a bigger butt, a slimmer waist… the list goes on. Now, I look at myself and have accepted that my flaws are only flaws to me. If you let go of the voices that label parts of yourself “bad” or “ugly” — maybe you’re stop viewing them as flaws. Unfollowing the insanely “perfect” models on Instagram helped me with this. I no longer wish that I looked a different way (well, maybe sometimes), and I’m finally free from the insecurities that held me back from living as happily and fearlessly as I could.

So what can you do about this? The feeling that you don’t look good enough to wear a two-piece swimsuit, that jeans accentuate your “muffin top,” or being scared of eating something covered in cheese. Well, some of these things helped me heal: 

 

  • Surround yourself with people who share the same goals as you. If you know someone trying to recover from an eating disorder or someone battling body dysphoria — work together to make progress. Go out for pizza and stay with each other until the next day. Go for jogs together, talk about how happy you are with the parts of your body that you once considered flaws.

 

  • Stay out of relationships that hinder your progress. Being told by someone you care about that your butt is too flat, your arms too hairy, or that your crooked tooth looks funny is mentally harmful. Take a step back and think about the way life would be if you cut out this toxic criticism.

 

  • Stop looking in the mirror so often. It does nothing positive. Use the mirror to apply your makeup and get ready, but if you are catching yourself staring in the mirror too long, tell yourself to walk away and find a distraction: Netflix, a book, talk to a friend — don’t get on social media.

 

  • Wear clothes that you are comfortable in. If you’re having a bad body image day, pair an over-sized hoodie with some platform boots, wear a big t-shirt with a pair of shorts, or put on a loose sundress. Wear things that will make you feel good.

 

  • Last but not least, do NOT overwork yourself. Listen to your body, people! Doing so will lead us to the right decisions. This goes for everything. If something in you is saying, “I’m tired, please take a nap instead of running 5 miles” or, “I think you want dark chocolate and wine,” — please listen. Everything should be in moderation, of course.

 

You are not alone in whatever insecurity you are struggling with, and even the people you least expect to be going through it — are probably going through it. You are loved and so are your love handles.