Let’s start by saying that there is no one recipe to get over someone you loved. Sorry if that’s an annoying start to this post, but it’s true and it’s something with which we all have to come to terms. Honestly, when it comes to anything difficult in our lives: There’s not one right way to deal with things
I’ve definitely gone through my fair share of breakups. And it’s always in the days after, that you sit there and wonder if the relationship was even worth it. Every relationship I’ve ever had– which is three serious ones– have taught me valuable lessons and made me grow as a person. Yes, I’ve been cheated on, yes, I have cheated on. I’ve been through the whole spiel. But what it boils down to at the end of the day, as I see it, is that everything happens for a reason. Granted, breakups are not easy and they never will be! Yet, every shitty thing that a guy has done to me has made me a lot stronger. Sometimes people enter your lives solely to make you a better person. But I think when you sit back and realize that, it’s a lot easier to cope with the actions of others, and to keep a positive mindset. It was meant to happen, and even if it ended badly, we had amazing times.
I could give you pointers on small changes you can make that will help you feel better: Like distracting yourself and hanging out with friends or taking baths. Or some people turn to drugs to numb the pain. But the truth is, we are all emotional beings and we are going to feel what we feel no matter what. The sooner you realize that you have to accept the pain, the sooner you’ll get through it. Let your emotions run their course.
Spoiler alert: Life is really hard! We all know that. And it’s not like we’re taught in school, or by anyone really, how to deal with real shit. No one ever told me what to tell a friend who lost a parent. No one taught me how to automatically forget a boy that has hurt me. I think the best thing you can do, is to focus on the good memories you had with that person and to be honest: Honest with them and honest with yourself. Everything happens for a reason. People come into our lives to teach us specific lessons. If someone cheated on you or hurt you really bad and you break up, you feel like you’re dying for a minute. And then a couple months later you meet someone, with whom you fall in love, and you’re way more in love than you were with your first boyfriend: Life works that way. It’s a very painful, but equally beautiful cycle. With every ending comes a new beginning and every door that shuts, opens a new door.
I think just sitting back and thinking and realizing that whoever hurt you, came into your life for a specific reason: to hurt you in that way to make you stronger. I’m not saying they want to make you grow, and that’s the reason they hurt you. But we’re human: We’re all selfish on a certain level. And people act in ways based on their own reality. If someone fucks you over, you need to realize it has NOTHING to do with you. If a boy chooses another girl over you, it doesn’t have to do with you. Although it may feel like it, it’s not that she’s better than you. You may sit in bed at night and cry and compare yourself to her. But you just have to breathe, and know that maybe they’re just more compatible. And in a perfect world, we would be happy for exes or whatever to move on and be happy. But we have egos and fragile minds that can so easily go to dark places. I’ve had so many girlfriends recently go through this. Even older guys I know. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that people’s actions have nothing to do with anyone but themselves and their own selfish desires (which isn’t entirely wrong– we are all here for ourselves), the sooner you will be free from suffering.
Some basic pointers that have helped me get over exes
- Blocking them on social media, so that I’m not constantly stalking or reminded of them.
- Not hanging out with their friends, so once again, you’re not reminded of them because, trust me, their friends will bring them up.
- Keeping busy!! hanging out with good friends.
- Putting time and effort into real ass friendships! Stop with this surface level shit. You don’t need to hangout with a huge group of people. Go to lunch with a good friend, maybe someone you haven’t even seen in awhile. And go get coffee. Ask them how they’re doing. Tell them your goals, ask them about theirs. I’ve been trying this new thing where I don’t shit talk about people: because it’s way too easy to do that. Conversations can get boring and sometimes you don’t feel like you can connect, so you default into talking badly about someone who’s not even having lunch with your friend and you….. And it’s fucked up. But I do it. And you do it. We all fucking do it. But push yourself. Try abstaining for a day. Don’t say anything bad about anyone. Instead, go to lunch and really check in with your friend. I promise it it will help in making you feel so much better. Most of all, it will create better friendships, wherein people will start to actually know you. And people will start to care.
- Give back! Go volunteer in a homeless shelter or soup kitchen once a week. Go help people in need. It won’t necessarily take away from your problems, and, yes, the people you’re helping problems may be much “worse “ than yours in a way. But you are still entitled to feel how you do. And that’s totally okay to be broken. But it’s proven that those who go out and help others are much happier than the rest of society.
- DONT do drugs. Don’t reach for that pill bottle or pop a Xanax. It’s so easy, especially in this day and age where things like that are so easily accessible. But trust me, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Numbing the pain doesn’t get rid of it. You’re treating the symptoms or sadness and depression/anxiety instead of the root cause. Which is that you’re hurt. You’re emotionally hurt. And that is okay. Every single person on this planet has had their heart broken or has been hurt. You’re going to get through it. I promise.
- Don’t go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, I guess I can’t say don’t go out and do that. But for the most part, I know it doesn’t make people feel better. Like the thought of hooking up with people because I’m mad, is fun, in the moment. But then I just feel guilty after. You miss your ex!! That’s okay 🙂 But time will pass, and eventually you will get over them.
- It’s easy to jump into another relationship when you’re hurting. It’s easy to get petty and want to hook up with your ex’s friends– just to make them upset. But don’t do it. It’s not going to make you happy. It’s temporary, and it always hurts everyone involved.
- Put time into real friendships– like I mentioned earlier — instead of partying. And then go to those people when you need help. When you’re devastated, call on your friends and go lay in bed with them and cuddle. You don’t even have to talk. You can just cry. That’s totally okay!!! You don’t have to hold your emotions in. And just because something trivial might you affect you more than other people, it doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It just means you feel things on a different level than others.
Anyways, those are some tips from me to you about how I deal with breakups. Ultimately, these are just some strategies that, over time, I’ve come to see as useful. And it’s not that I have all the answers: I’m human, too! I’ve definitely made mistakes. I’ve been petty. I’ve hooked up with ex’s friends. I’ve jumped from relationship to relationship because I’ve been afraid of being alone. But just know that you aren’t alone!!!! Keep reminding yourself of that, and if you need the support, tell your close friends and they will give it to you.
One last thing, look back over your life. Sit back and look back at it like a timeline. How many people have you dated or really liked? How many people, after things ended, did you want to die? For me, there’s a couple. And I look back sometimes, and I’m like what the fuck was I thinking?!? Or you get over them and you’re like wow, a year ago I was soooooo upset over you and I could care less about you now. Life works that way, it’s always moving. Try to keep your chin up and know everything is going to be okay. I love you <3
artwork done by: @majesstical