/ Tiernan Hebron /

Notes on Appearance

When I first started getting acne as a preteen, my step-dad’s cousin was visiting and she said something to him in Spanish, which he then translated: “She’s pretty, but she has that acne.”

When I was in high school, a boy in my class said I was awfully young to have worry wrinkles in between my eyebrows.

This past October at a wedding, an extended family member said that I actually wasn’t that thin, just tall.

* * *

I remember each one of these moments in my life with absolute clarity. Some of these events happened over 15 years ago, yet they remain fresh and untouched by time, unlike many other moments throughout my life which have faded into the oblivion that is my brain. When I close my eyes and think of them, I’m right back in that classroom or feeling my face flush with heat when those harmless Spanish words turned out to be not so harmless.

Maybe people think it’s okay to make comments about the way women/femme-presenting people look, because they assume their words will eventually be forgotten. Instead, these thoughtless quips have the potential to change the way we feel about ourselves for years to come.

It was because of comments like these that led to me becoming obsessed with my appearance for a long time. I checked myself in the mirror every chance I could, sometimes going out of my way to make sure I hadn’t become shiny or frizzy or zitty in the past five minutes since I checked. I would spend hours – and I mean hours – getting ready for a mere 30 minute trip in public. I can’t even begin to calculate how much money I have spent on makeup, beauty treatments, and other services of the like, including but not limited to Botox and Fillers in between my eyebrows, lash lifts, teeth whitening, etc etc.

Now, this obsession didn’t just activate one day like the flip of a switch, rather it was like the little plastic mouse in the game of mousetrap: caught as a result of events which started way before the cage descended upon it.

Throughout my whole life, my board was set with all the elements necessary for a full-blown obsession to take place… all it needed was that marble to set everything into motion. For me, that marble started rolling right after college.

I graduated college at 20 years old after three years of accelerated study. During that time I put on a solid 15-20 pounds of depression weight. Though I always had an athletic body, erring on the thinner side through my tweens and teens, I didn’t perceive this new weight gain on myself. I think because it was so gradual over the course of three years that I didn’t notice the subtle changes, or maybe because I wasn’t used to being hyper-aware of my weight, having grown up with thin privilege my whole life. As far as I was concerned I still looked fine.

Post graduation I moved back in with my parents in Los Angeles to save money as opposed to going broke by remaining in San Francisco. However, the transition back home proved harder than expected, made more so by the fact that all of my friends were either still in SF or in school elsewhere. I was lonely and bored (a dangerous combination) so I sought out something that I had flirted with in my last year of college, but hadn’t taken the time to really get to know: cocaine.

Within a span of a couple of weeks of railing lines every day, I lost that ‘freshmen 15’ plus an additional 5 to 10 pounds.

Just like my brain had a tough time perceiving the gradual weight gain, my brain also had a tough time perceiving my weight loss because it dropped so precipitously so fast. The grams of cocaine coursing through my bloodstream didn’t exactly help with my self-perception or cognitive functioning either, so it wasn’t until my 21st birthday in Vegas, a month or two after the weight plummet, that I realized just how different I looked to other people.

“Hot.” Unhealthy.

“Smokin’ bod.” Emaciated.

“Goals.” Unwell.

“Sexy.” Sickly.

Despite the multitude of negative adjectives used to describe how I looked, all I heard were the ones about my attractiveness. I hadn’t seen the distraught look plastered on my mom’s face every time she looked at me during that period of my life. What I did see were the looks of desire on every man’s face as I walked down Las Vegas Bluebeard. As someone who had been awkwardly ‘cute’ her whole life, the attention I got for being ‘hot’ was even more seductive and addictive than the cocaine.

Chasing the dragon with regard to appearance might not be as chemically toxic as chasing the dragon with regard to drugs, but it sure is emotionally, mentally, and financially toxic. Because yes, from that point on I was ‘hot,’ but it was never enough – I was never enough.

Each time I snuffed out one imperfection, there would be another one glaring back at me. The vast majority of comments made about my appearance during that time were not made from other people, but from me. All those comments became my own internal thoughts. But I knew – I knew that if I could just manage to fix all those imperfections I would be…

……? What? I would be what? Happy? The object of everyone’s desires? Secure in myself? Confident? Successful?

If I had asked myself those questions back then, I wouldn’t have been able to give a clear answer. Because I didn’t have one. The advertisements and commercials and marketing campaigns for the endless amount of beauty treatments and services certainly seem to know the answer though. Buff away all those imperfections, and your life could be perfect too. Buff away all the aspects of yourself that show you’re an actual human being and maybe you’ll forget you ever were one. Is that not why women’s looks are prioritized over everything else from the moment we are born, because we are only meant to look pretty? To exist to please others? To be a companion as opposed to being our own person? To have an appearance, but nothing underneath?

I looked up the word ‘appearance’ when I wrote this, and I was not disappointed by its accuracy or relevance. Appearance: external show; outward aspect. Adjectives which convey otherness, separateness, lacking in completeness, lacking in genuineness. Appearance aims to create an illusion, not depict the truth. As women, we are expected and pushed to create illusions of ourselves from the moment we are born. Create the illusion that this is what you actually look like. Create the illusion that you are just fine. Create the illusion that you are happy. Create the illusion that this is what you care about. Create the illusion of yourself into what we want you to be.

I think that’s why I became obsessed with my appearance. I was collapsing in on myself emotionally, physically, and psychologically, but I wasn’t able – or willing – to see it. I could see my reflection though. I could see my reflection and better yet, I could perfect it. I could sweep all my inner trauma under the metaphorical rug of looking hot. And why would anyone care, myself included, if I had a size zero waste and long eyelashes. I was doing exactly what I had been trained to do my whole life: be attractive. I became nothing more than my appearance. I nearly killed myself trying to create the illusion that I was okay.

I’m 26 years-old now and though I can’t say my appearance doesn’t matter to me, I can safely say that I am no longer obsessed with it. I am no longer plagued by the need to perfect my appearance.

It took me healing my inside before I realized that I didn’t need to create any illusions on my outside. Certainly not illusions that prescribe to fatphobic, white-washed, Eurocentric standards of beauty. That is an illusion that I never want to cater to again. I don’t want to cater to any illusions that womxn are expected to create ever again. But I’m not quite there yet, like I said my appearance still matters to me and probably will for awhile because unlearning shit that has been programmed into you since birth takes time.

But I can say this: from here on out my appearance will be mine and I will own every part of it. Any illusions I might try to create with beauty treatments or botox or lash lifts will be revealed. Maybe I can’t stop creating illusions just yet, but I can make sure that every person knows it is just an illusion. My appearance will be an outward aspect with a caption, an external show with subtitles.

For now, I hope that’s enough.

–

Photo by Gabriela Velasco.

My Fucktrip Across the U.S.

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How to Respond When a Loved One Tells You They’re an Addict

Telling your family and loved ones that you’re an addict is no small feat.

Speaking as someone who has done it herself (twice), I can say without a doubt that it was the hardest decision I’ve made, and it continues to be the toughest one to carry out…

First, you have to reach the point at which you can no longer deny the fact that you are an addict and that you have an actual illness. And, let me just tell you… that can take much longer than one would think. The disease alters the chemistry of the brain and actually changes one’s ability to perceive themselves and their behaviors accurately.

For example, I would convince myself that I needed to buy a gram of cocaine in order to have one last hurrah before quitting for good. However, I went through that exact thought process for years before I realized how deeply in denial I was.

This behavioral defect ensures that an addict continues to seek out and abuse substances, no matter how much it continues to destroy them and their life. Crazy, right? Everything else aside, I’ve got to give it to this disease for being so fucking smart in its ability to maintain its existence in the body. It’s a true evil genius.

So, yeah, like I said, getting to the point where you actually realize that you have an addiction can be one tricky motherfucker. And then, once you’re no longer in denial about the fact that you have it — you actually have to get to a point where you want to admit it to your loved ones. That can take an even longer time, because from the moment you come forward with your addiction, your behaviors and actions will become scrutinized and analyzed by everyone around you. There’s no alternative choice but to stop, which is not exactly an addict’s ideal situation.

This is why it took me years after acknowledging that I had a problem to actually come forward about how serious my coke addiction was. I didn’t want people knowing that it was an issue. I didn’t want my friends to A) stop doing it with me or B) prevent me from doing it. I didn’t want to quit, obviously. And, you have to want to quit or it simply won’t work. It took three years for me to want to quit coke, and I’m happy to say that as of now, I am six months clean. Halle-fuckin-lullah.

My drinking, however, is a different story.

I was so focused on my coke addiction for such a long time that I didn’t realize how badly my alcohol abuse had become. In fact, I only realized it for myself a few months ago. But once I did have that realization, I knew that I had to tell my friends and family that I was an addict…again. I suppose the bright side is that I was able to do so much faster this time around because once you admit the first addiction, the next ones become easier (yay?).

Now that I’ve had to admit that I am an addict to my loved ones on two separate occasions, I feel as though I’m warranted in writing an article about the best ways to respond when a loved one tells you they’re an addict.

I have the credentials. I know which responses made me feel supported and which ones made me want to intake more drugs. I have also been on the receiving end of this situation in the cases of multiple different loved ones, and I’ve done my research on what I could have done better considering my reactions were not all too stellar. So, I’ve been on both sides of this equation, and I’ve learned my do’s and don’t, which I hereby pass on to you:

The Don’ts:

Don’t say: ‘I knew it’ or ‘I can’t believe this.’ Instead say: ‘Thank you for telling me, I’m sure that must have been difficult for you.’

A little compassion goes a long way at this stage. Not centering this issue around yourself also goes a long way. Do you really need to communicate to them your level of knowledge about their addictive behaviors? Not really.

They are coming to you with the truth for assistance, and as I elaborated so eloquently in the first few paragraphs of this guide, getting to that point is not exactly easy. So, don’t be a dick. All you need to express to them in this moment is your love and support for them. They took a long ass journey to get there, so let them rest and have a glass of water before asking them about their trip. Ya feel?

Don’t say: ‘You need to do…’ Instead say: ‘How can I best support you through this?’

You don’t know what is best for them in this situation. Even if you’ve gone through this before yourself, or if you think you know what was best for your aunt’s friend’s cousin’s step-daughter that one time, this is a unique situation regarding a unique individual who has unique symptoms and unique needs that will help manage those symptoms. You can offer suggestions if they’re stumped—with the help of an addiction counselor of course—but, you can’t tell them what they need to do because they might not even know.

Don’t say: ‘Have you tried stopping?’ Instead say: ‘I will help you to the best of my ability.’

If they’re in front of you asking for help, rest assured that they’ve tried stopping. They wouldn’t be coming to you and letting you know about an incredibly personal and difficult issue if they didn’t think they needed help. They don’t need any reminders that they can’t stop, and they certainly don’t need to feel the Shame Wizard when they have to admit to you their inability to stop abusing said substance. In addition, stopping cold turkey might not be the best option for them. In some situations, it can actually be a dangerous option. So, instead of making assumptions, just inform them that you support whatever choice is best for their wellbeing and livelihood. That’s what they need from you right now, and the decisions about their recovery can be made with the help of a professional at a later time.

Don’t say: ‘What’s wrong with you’ or ‘How could you let this happen?’ Instead say: ‘This isn’t your fault, addiction is a disease, but we do need to come up with a plan to help you manage it’

We need to dispense with the belief that addiction is a failing on the addict’s part to behave ethically. It is a serious disease that alters brain chemistry and behavior and should be treated as such. It is not the addict’s fault, and blaming them is not only incorrect and ableist, but it will most likely push them further into the arms of addiction. Make sure that they know you know it’s a disease. Their illness needs to be validated by a loved one. Nevertheless, you should express to them that a plan needs to be made. It is not their fault, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to take action to manage it. It doesn’t need to be right in that exact moment, but they do need to seek out the advice and help of a professional, like a substance abuse counselor, an addiction psychiatrist, or an AA/NA meeting.

The Do’s:

Do start going to Al-Anon, a support group for family members of alcoholics. You need help right now, too.

In addition to showing your loved one support, you’ll also need some support, too. Al-anon is the place to get it. Al-anon is a support group for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. Loved ones of alcoholics and addicts tend to either naturally prescribe to certain behaviors or develop them as a result of having an addict in their life. These behaviors can be truly harmful to your mental wellbeing, so you need to be in a safe place where you talk about them and work through them and understand how to manage them. These groups are judgement-free spaces that include other people who know exactly what you’re going through and can help you deal with it. I go to them in addition to AA/NA meetings because having a parent who is an alcoholic/addict definitely affected my behaviors growing up as well as currently. Seeking out a group that offers me understanding and support during this aspect of my life was the best decision I made. I would highly recommend it.

And, last but not least, DO take care of yourself right now. This is an emotional and draining experience and you need to practice some major self-care, ya hear?

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance abuse, the follow resources may be helpful:

Alcoholics Anonymous

Al-Alon Family Groups

Narcotics Anonymous

SAMHSA National Helpline, a 24/7 free and confidential information service for individuals facing substance use issues: 1-800-662-4357

All photos by Isabelle Abbott.

Safer Sex 101

Most people don’t want to wear or use protection.

I know I’m not supposed to say that as a sex educator, but then again, maybe that’s precisely what I’m supposed to say — because it’s the truth.

I’m not going to babble on for several paragraphs trying to convince anyone that putting a thin plastic casing over their genitals is going to make sex feel better. Everyone is entitled to know the facts, and the fact is that sex feels better without condoms/dental dams. However, since we’re on the topic of fact-telling, I have a few more I would like to share…

1. If worn correctly every single time, condoms have a 98% chance of preventing pregnancy.

2. Condoms and dental dams are the only known way to prevent the transmission of STIs.

3. One in two sexually active persons will contract an STI by age 25.

4. The CDC estimates that nearly 20 million new STIs occur every year in this country; half of those are among young people aged 15–24.

5. The herpes infection is common. About 1 in 8 people aged 14-49 in the U.S. has genital herpes.

6. Symptoms of genital herpes often go unnoticed. Most people with genital herpes — close to 90% — don’t know they have the infection.

7. Rates of reported chlamydia are highest among adolescent and young adults and have increased in recent years. In 2017, almost two-thirds of all reported chlamydia cases were among persons aged 15–24 years.

8. In 2017, a total of 555,608 cases of gonorrhea were reported to CDC, making it the second most common notifiable condition in the United States.

9. Since reaching a historic low in 2001, the rate of Syphilis has increased almost every year, increasing 10.5% during 2016–2017.

10. According to CDC, 1.1 million people in the US are living with HIV, and 1 in 7 of them don’t know it.

11. CDC estimates that undiagnosed STIs cause 24,000 women to become infertile each year.

12. Condoms and dental dams are FREE at Planned Parenthoods and most health clinics.

* * *

Now, first things first… please don’t misinterpret my telling you these facts as a scare tactic or as a means to further stigmatize sexually transmitted infections.

Numerous people don’t even experience symptoms when they do contract an STI. Almost all STIs are easily treated, and those that aren’t (for example, herpes and HIV) have daily medications which can suppress the virus so that people never experience symptoms and never pass it on to their partner, even without using a condom during sex.

So, if you do get an STI, I promise you that it’s not the end of the world. You are among the vast majority of humans on this earth, and you will have sex again.

The reason I am including all of these facts about protection and STIs is because many people either don’t know this information, or they don’t know where to find this information. You need to understand the risk that is involved when you have unprotected sex, and more importantly, you need to know that almost all of these risks go away when you have protected sex. So, the take-aways…

There are multiple STIs in the world.
Even though STIs are not the end of the world, transmission rates are increasing.
Some STIs can have long-term health consequences.
Each of them can be prevented, as can pregnancy, by taking two extra minutes to put on a condom or a dental dam — which are free at countless locations.

Sure, sex might feel slightly less satisfying when you wear a condom, but it’s worth it.

To be clear: having sex without a condom does feel better, but not by too much. It’s like the cherry on top of an already delicious ice cream sundae.

Is the cherry a nice addition? Totally! But when it cums down to it, the sundae is the main event, and the cherry is just a bonus. And, if including the cherry comes with multiple risks, do you really need it? No.

Okay, so, you know the risks of not wearing a condom. Now, let’s review how to put them on correctly, which is almost as important as wearing one in the first place. Condoms are 98-99% effective.*

*ONLY WHEN WORN CORRECTLY EVERY SINGLE TIME.

How to put a condom on a penis…

Step 1:

Open the condom with your fingers — not with your teeth or scissors — to avoid tearing or ripping the condom.

Step 2:

When you place the condom on the head of the penis, make sure it is on the right way (it should look like a little hat, with the rim on the outside) so that you can easily unroll it.

Step 3:

Before rolling the condom down the shaft, pinch the tip of the condom so there is a little bit of space for the semen to collect at the top.

Step 4:

Unroll the condom down the shaft of the penis all the way to the base.

Step 5:

After you ejaculate, make sure you hold the base of the condom when you pull out of your partner’s body so that it doesn’t slip off and semen spills out. Throw it away in the trash, not down the toilet!

How to put on an internal condom…

Step 1:

Open the condom with your fingers, not with your teeth or scissors to avoid tearing or ripping the condom.

Step 2:

For anal sex, remove the inner ring. For vaginal sex, keep the inner ring in.

Step 3:

For anal sex, you can just push the condom in with a finger, but be sure to use plenty of lube! For vaginal sex, squeeze together the inner ring (on the closed end of the condom) and put it in like you would a tampon.

Step 4:

Make sure the condom isn’t twisted before pulling your finger out. Allow the outer ring to be about an inch around the opening to the vagina or anus.

Step 5:

When your partner is pulling out be sure the outer edges of the condom are held in place to avoid any spillage. Remove and throw into trash.

How to use a dental dam (barrier method used for oral sex)…

Step 1:

Open the dam with your fingers, not with your teeth or scissors to avoid tearing or ripping the condom.

Step 2:

Place the dental dam over the vulva or over the anus lightly; you don’t need to stretch it over or slap it on there. Most of them will adhere to the body part they are over due to natural moisture/lube.

Step 3:

Now go down and go to town! When you remove be sure to throw into trash and not down the toilet!

* * *

Alrighty! Now you know why you need to use barrier methods when you have sex, and how to put on a variety of these barrier methods. But, knowing and actually doing are two very different things.

Most people already know that they should use a condom or dental dam, but the real issue is that most people don’t want to, which can be attributed to two reasons:

1. People think sex with condoms/dams doesn’t feel as good.

2. People think condoms/dams kill the mood.

We’ve already covered why the first reasoning is flawed. However, in addition to the pleasure factor, many people believe that asking to use a condom or a dental dam will be a turn off or blatantly upsetting to their partner. First of all, if you are worried about your partner’s reaction, or you’re specifically worried that they are going to get angry — they’re not someone you want to be fucking anyway.

But if you’re still concerned, there are multiple ways to turn safe sex into hot sex! The two are not, nor have they ever been, mutually exclusive.

I have encountered plenty of situations in which I was too nervous to ask to use a condom, so trust that I know the struggle. Still, there’s no reason to that this aspect of the sexual experience can’t be fun, flirty, and part of foreplay. Check out just a few of the options below:

Use your words…

Worried about losing some of the heat when you ask to use a condom? Turn it back up by using dirty talk. Try out a few of these lines in the bedroom and see how fast they get the condom/dam out of their wallet.

“There’s no way a condom will be able to fit over your huge dick, but I need to find out for myself…”

“I bet that even through a dam I’ll be able to find your clit faster than any guy can.”

“Nothing gets me harder than watching you put that condom on me.”

“I like putting a condom in you, because I know I’m going to get to cum inside you.”

Use your hands…

Instead of having your partner put the condom on themselves, do it for them. Start by lubing them up good and wet before you combine your hand-jobbing skills with your condom application skills.

Use your mouth..

Although using your mouth to put a condom on your partner’s penis may take some practice, especially since you need to be careful about not accidentally ripping the condom with your teeth, but it will definitely be the opposite of a turn off. For dams, try using your tongue to apply the dam, like a grown up version of pin the tail on the donkey, only now its pin the protection on the pussy.

Make it a game…

Condoms on the Clock:

See who can put the condom on correctly the fastest. Keep score of who wins. Whoever gets the most points get a special treat from the losing partner….

Dam on the Cam:

What better way to enjoy oral sex with your partner than to film it so you can watch it again and again. Of course, not everyone will be comfortable with this, and as we hopefully all know: consent is a necessity! But, those who are interested, be sure to both take turns being the eater and the eated. Watch with each other to see the faces of pleasure. Warning: re-watching may lead to a redo!

Use special condoms, lubes, and/or dams..

There are so many different kinds of fun condoms, lubes, and dams to try out with your partner(s) that can make including them in your sex life much more pleasurable than if you hadn’t! There are varieties of ribbed condoms, there are multi-colored condoms, flavored lubes, lubes that change from warm to cool, flavored dams… the list goes on and on! Go shopping for them with your partner(s) for some added foreplay!

All sex should be and feel safe — in every sense of the word. Now go hump away!

Art by Ezra Covalt and photo by Nyle Rosenbaum.

Blowjobs: A Guide To Sucking Less

Ah, blowjobs… we have had some crazy times together.

You’ve resulted in me spitting, swallowing, puking, getting a ‘facial,’ getting cum in my eye, and getting my hair put up into truly horrible ponytails. Honestly fellas… please practice putting hair into a ponytail for such dick-sucking occasions, because I’ve gotten some knots which have required scissors to untangle. Yet despite all the painfully embarrassing moments and ups and downs of our journey together, I can’t deny that I love you. I love blowjobbing and I always will. But sadly, my affection for performing oral sex on people with penises is not shared by a majority of other women. Countless surveys and polls have found that women do not like performing oral sex on their male partners, with one study finding that number to be as high as 17.8% of women. So I wanted to write this article with the hopes of swaying some minds in favor of sucking some dicks.

The first thing you need to know about blowjobs — or about oral sex in general — is that you don’t owe it to any partner. Whether they are a man, a woman, or any other gender identity, if performing oral sex makes you uncomfortable, it’s your right to decline and there’s nothing wrong with that.

At one point or another, most of us have felt uncomfortable with performing some sexual act. For me, it was undoubtedly oral sex. The first time my mom explained what it was, little 12-year-old me was horrified at the thought of people putting their mouths where another person peed from. I could not fathom how someone would want to be on either end of that situation. And I definitely couldn’t fathom myself being in that situation one day. Yet here I am, ten years later writing an article about my love of blowjobs. So the takeaway is to not get discouraged if a sexual act makes you uncomfortable, because odds are your stance/feelings will change over time.

My horror regarding blowjobs lasted through high school, but then in college, when sexual activity became apart of my reality, that horror revealed itself to be fear. I was terrified because I had no idea what to do. I knew oral sex involved mouths and genitals, but that was pretty much where my knowledge ended. I never asked details about the act itself, because I never wanted to; a whole lot of good that did me.

I remember actually Googling if a blowjob required blowing air onto a dude’s penis. (FYI, it doesn’t.) Speaking of blowing into genitals, for those of you who perform oral sex on people who have vaginas, please don’t blow into them. It can cause an air embolism, which can be fatal. As appealing as it sounds to die by way of oral sex, the reality is not something you want, so just say no to blow–ing air into vaginas.

The first time a penis was within proximity of my mouth, not long after the Googling incident, I tried a little cat lick: light and timid. That was all I could muster before making up an excuse and leaving to go back to my dorm to cry in the shower. I wasn’t crying because I was forced into doing it, but performing sexual acts for the first time can be scary and serve as a harsh reminder that you are no longer a kid. It’s a transitional moment — which can be difficult. Change is always hard at first, but remember, it’s transitional, not transactional. You don’t lose anything when you have sex or perform a sexual act for the first time. And the person you did those acts with didn’t take anything from you. They are a part of your journey to becoming a sexual being — but that’s it. They don’t own some part of you that you can never get back. You didn’t lose anything in the first place. OK, I just like to throw in a little reminder here and there that ‘losing your virginity’ isn’t a thing.

Now fast forward to today and I love giving blow jobs. It took me a while to get to this point, and like I mentioned earlier, that’s OK. Your own comfort level with sex and with various sexual acts will evolve with time and experience. If you loved munching cock from the very beginning, that’s OK. If you never get comfortable with performing or receiving oral sex, that’s OK, too. Sex is supposed to bring you joy and pleasure, and if it doesn’t, then don’t do it! It’s as simple as that. If any partners make you feel bad for wanting or not wanting to do something, they are not someone you want to be engaging in sexual acts with anyway!

OK, back to blowjobs. I love giving blowjobs for a variety of reasons. Partially because I enjoy giving people pleasure; it’s a turn on for me, and I’m certainly not alone in that. Many people find the most pleasurable aspect of sex to be the pleasure they give to their partner(s). I wouldn’t consider it to be the most pleasurable thing for me (my own pleasure takes rank, sorry not sorry), but I certainly like to hear them saying ‘fuck’ under their breath because I’m so good at sucking dick. Music to my ears.

And the other reason I love giving blowjobs is because I know I’m good at it. How do I know? Besides the under-the-breath ‘fucks,’ almost every dude I’ve given a blowjob to has told me that my job was either the best or one of the best he’s ever had. Now as much of a confidence booster as that is, it also leads me to believe that other blowjob-givers in the world either don’t know the best methods for optimizing their partner’s pleasure, or they are simply as afraid as I once was. So I figured I’d share what I know because I want people to feel confident in performing oral sex on people with penises, and more importantly I want them to enjoy it themselves. So here goes…

I typically start by giving light little licks down their chest to just above where their pelvic region begins. I then spend some time just licking and kissing and sucking the area surrounding their dick and balls, but careful to not actually touch either. It heightens their anticipation, excites their senses, and in all honesty, it’s fun to tease.*

*Of course, I don’t do this every time, there are occasions when it’s more fun to just push them onto the bed, take off their pants, and go to town. That can be super hot, too. It all depends on what you are most comfortable with, what your partner is most comfortable with, and what feels right in the moment.

Once I start on the actual dick sucking, I like to rotate between several different techniques. I have found — in my considerable experience as a self-described hoe — that the more variety the better. Below are some of my go-to techniques:

Sir Licks-A-Lot

Just pretend that shlong is a ice cream cone and lick it all the way up. Long, slow licks. Short, fast ones. Focus only on the tip. Focus only on the balls. Make designs on their shaft with your tongue. Use a lot of spit and get creative with it.

Make it a combo meal

Combine your hands with your mouth/tongue to cover more ground. Cup their balls while you’re licking and sucking. Use your hand to swirl their cock around in your mouth like a DQ Blizzard. Once their shaft is all lubed up via your spit, grab it with both hands and then alternate which direction your hands are moving for a whirlwind of sensations.

Bobbing for balls

For the classic BJ-bobblehead motion I find it easiest to have my partner lie down so I can control how deep and fast I’m bobbing. I would recommend this for beginners because other positions allow for your partner to control how deep and fast they’re smashing their dick down your throat and it can lead to involuntary chomping or puking. The aftermath of which is not pleasant to say the least. Or you can use one hand to swirl the base of their shaft while your mouth is bobbing on the remainder (this is good for partners with large penises because you don’t have to bob as far down every single time).

Lock it and pop it

Firmly grasp it (if you get this reference, I love you) in your hand. While you’re still holding their dick in your hand, put it in your mouth and use your hand to pop it back out again. I have found in my cock-munching travels that some partners really like the sensation from this technique, while others don’t experience a huge difference in sensation. But most partners like to watch this in action, so test the waters and see what works/doesn’t work for you and your partner(s).

Slap the base? Nah, try slap the face (with the dick)

Obviously don’t go nuts (lol) but try a few light salami slaps on the side of your cheek. I like to lock it and pop it (see above) and then follow that with a few slaps. Men usually like to do this, but I find it way more fun to do it myself… independent ass woman and all that.

Swallow it whole

When you feel they deserve an extra special treat, you can also try deep-throating. I wouldn’t recommend this for dick sucking beginners as it requires practice, the lack-of which can result in up-chucking. Not so much fun to clean up. However, to get to the point of being able to deep throat, test your limits. See how far you can go before you start gagging. Once you know where that point is, slowly push that boundary by keeping his dick in to that extent and just get your throat/gag reflex used to the presence of it being there. You can desensitize and even control your gag reflex over time so you can eventually deep throat a dick all the way down without any unfortunate results. Note: be prepared to either spit or swallow. And no, your status as a dick-sucking queen/king is not lessened if you spit.

Above all, have fun with it! There are no rules or regulations on how to give a stellar blowjob because all people, partners, and preferences are different. Just be sure to practice open communication, safe sex, and get freaky!

Happy sucking.

Photos by Lucy Welsh.