“Do you have a condom?”
“No, but do we have to use one?”
“Yes.”
This conversation should always end here, but, unfortunately, there is often pressure or attempts at negotiation from one partner to forego condom use. I can’t finish with a condom on, don’t you want to cum? But haven’t we already done it without a condom before? Aren’t you on birth control? are coercive questions asked with the intention of persuading a partner into having sex on terms they were not initially satisfied with. “I can’t have sex without a condom”, “That was a mistake and I want to use one now”, “Yes, but there are other benefits for using one” are examples of assertive responses to excuses to have unprotected sex. Clarity in communication leaves no room for compromise or debate.
You have the right to wake up in the morning with the peace of mind in knowing you enjoyed yourself and engaged in healthy sex. Just some things to remember…
They protect and benefit both partners and are not a burden.
Condoms aren’t solely a method of preventing pregnancy; they inhibit the spread of STIs and common infections like bacterial vaginosis. Discomfort with condoms can be avoided by using water or silicone based lubricants, correct sizing, or the right condom style.
There is no shame in being vocal about your limits and terms.
You should never have to abandon your own comfort and safety for your partner’s pleasure and convenience. No one wants to leave a sexual experience disappointed with that they let themselves be convinced to not use a condom.
A partner who prioritizes their desires at the expense of yours is a selfish one.
Being taken advantage of or caught off guard while in a vulnerable position is not your fault. If you suggest having unprotected sex and your partner’s answer is a firm yes — that doesn’t require persuasion. Sex must be had under agreed upon circumstances. If your proposal to have unprotected sex is denied, respect the wishes of your partner and either find a condom or don’t have sex.
It’s easy to find yourself in a situation where the only barrier to having sex is a partner opposed to using a condom or simply not having one. To prevent an awkward situation, it might be a good idea to have the condom conversation before anything happens. Having this discussion in the heat of the moment can be avoided if you and your partner are on the same page before anything happens.
Bring your own condoms! Communicate with your partner! Know your boundaries! Have fun!
You can find directions for how to put on a condom here.
Photos by Ashley Armitage.