Iâm going to start this post by saying an ideal way to go through a breakup is for it to be mutual. But unfortunately, that isnât always the case. And so, as most of us know, that comes to one person in the relationship having to make the decision to end things. I think itâs important to state that every relationship is different and therefore, there isnât a âcorrectâ way to break up with someone. That being said, I firmly believe that there are some wrong ways to go about it. I do think itâs worse to stay with someone that youâre not into anymore, and the mature, right thing to do, is to break up and move on.
This also isnât some article or post where Iâm going to tell you how itâs done or to give you instructions to follow step by step. Stay away from people who try to tell you how to run your life! We live in a culture thatâs pretty obsessed with that. I have zero intention of telling you what exactly you should do. Instead, I am open to sharing different ways I have gone about it, what worked for me and what didnât: What still pains me months later and what I got over in a day. So letâs start by reiterating what I put in the âhow to get over a breakupâ post and state again, that I have been in three serious relationships. And all of those I ended. I can share how I broke up with my boyfriends, how they differed, what I felt like I did wrong with one, I tried to change with the next. This also isnât a post on what to do if you get broken up with, but talking from personal experience, how to end things yourself.
Figuring out Why?
The first thing Iâll start with is figuring out “Why youâre breaking up with someone or things are ending.” This is going to influence how you do it whether or not you realize it. Maybe youâre just not into your boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. Maybe they cheated on you or did something unloyal. Maybe you cheated on them? The list is endless. Maybe youâve been trying to make it work and it just hasnât and itâs time to bite the bullet. There are a million reasons, couples break up. And no one can tell you whatâs right for you besides you! Even though some of my break ups hurt really bad, and even though I ended them, that doesn’t mean I didnât miss my exes. But I also know for a fact, those were some of the best decisions I’ve made.
Doing it over text
Oh my god, this is so painful to write because I know I come off sounding heartless, but I have broken up with two of my exes over text. And it was because I was mad. So, Iâm definitely not a saint and I know that it can do a whole lot of harm for someoneâs ego when you dump them over a device. If youâre going to go this route (which I donât recommend) then you need to be okay with things being over for good. It doesnât give you a good set up for being friends with an ex. Theyâre going to feel humiliated and disrespected that you didnât even have enough respect for them to at least say it to their face.
How has this type of break up played out now
I have since, become very good friends with one of my exes where I ended things over a phone. The relationship was pretty much over anyways so there wasnât much heartbreak. In fact, the text was sent, and there was no closure, we were just done. And we didnât speak for well over a month. That was the shittiest part, even though, I technically âcalled it offâ I still didn’t feel like I got any closure and that burned for a minute. We did end up reconciling our differences later and becoming friends. I was also really young at the time… I wouldnât change it now because I learned a lot and I went about my second break up a lot differently. And things were better!
During another break up I went through, I was really mad and ended things short and fast on text. And since then we have had little to no communication and Iâm going to say that’s for the best and that we are probably never going to be friends. And I think thatâs because I was cold in how I went about the break up and I imagine heâs gonna resent me for a long time. So if youâre fine with that, then I guess go for the text break up. But in my experience, itâs not the best way to breakup with someone. Itâs definitely pretty callous, and youâre gonna leave a bad taste in their mouth.
Breaking up with someone in person
After my first break up, ending how it did, I really tried to be nicer and go about things with the second one differently. It’s important to note, though, that we broke up for very different reasons. But I broke up with this ex in person. I can honestly say it was one of the most awkward, painful things Iâve been through. This was the only time I got to see how badly I hurt someone in breaking up with them. Through all of that, I still knew it was the right way to do it. I even made a point of telling him that I respected him enough to do it in person. But nothing could have prepared me for how the whole thing played out. I remember reading guides online of how to break up with someone in person because, honestly, I was clueless. And, well, you really donât know what youâre doing until you have to do it. He cried while I kinda sat there, confused. It ended and I went home. Some of my friends told me to do it at his place because then you can leave. And if you do it at yours, they might not leave.. uhhh. So I did it at his place, ripped off the band-aid and that was that. I remember reading really funny stories online: ones that were like, what if he’s the type that runs away from conflict? And that youâre supposed to break up with that type of person on a ferry boat so they canât escape. Or how to dump a cheater. And to break up with them in Starbucks because thatâs all a cheater deserves; to be dumped in a huge chain, lol.
What it did for me
I felt a lot better than the other break ups. I was really nice about it, explained my reasoning and then it was done. I felt better about myself because I was learning how to go about these things in a better way.
Timing
I think being mindful of timing is a courteous thing to do. I broke up with one of my exes right before he went back to school, and in my head, that was a nice thing to do so that way he could go enjoy himself. But according to him, I fucked up his school year. Yea, IDK. I also know someone who got broken up with the day before their birthday. Iâm gonna say thatâs probably not the best day to choose to break up with someone. But then again is there a good date? Probably not, right? But, undoubtedly, there are definitely some that are worse than others.
Clean Cut
This brings me to some wisdom that my mom used to bestow amongst my family. She believed in a the clean cut approach to relationships. She said when you end things, you end them, and thatâs that. No communication. And maybe it was easier for her back in the day because she was in the dating game way before texting. But her reasoning was, that when you break things off and you guys stay away from each other, you are only left with the positive parts of the relationship. So you remember the good times of when you liked or loved each other. And when people speak after they break up, things usually get messy and then they take away from those pleasant memories. Think about divorced parents who hate each other. They didnât always hate each other. But they kinda ruined things by keeping in contact a lot and then having so many negative new experiences or memories; one that overshadow the good ones from the past. My dad says that’s how she dealt with all her relationships; but Iâm thinking she must have broken some hearts. But I imagine she didnât crush their spirit by keeping in touch, only to find a new guy.
I used to be the girl that talked to all her exes and I can tell you, first hand, that it never helped me feel better. Things werenât exactly platonic with all of them and things got messy easily. And it caused me a lot of stress and anxiety that could have been avoided, as I went through a little period of bouncing from ex to ex. And it took me a while to really work towards letting them go and being truly single! Having done so, Iâve been feeling the best I have in a really long time.
Conclusion
So from my experience, the best way Iâve broken up with someone is doing it in person, and then cutting things off entirely with them after. Granted it’s really hard, and certainly way harder than it sounds, but itâs only since Iâve done that, that Iâve felt as good as I do today. You canât really expect to be able to move on if youâre still speaking to your ex all the time. I mean, think about it this way, I would never start things with a guy who is speaking to his ex all the time. If the ex is still in the picture, unless theyâre 100% platonic, youâre likely destined to be number 2.