Category: sex

Whips:

Whips, or single tails, take a lot of practice to use as they are long and unwieldy, this makes them difficult to land correctly and more likely to wrap around the body and hit unintended body parts. In general toys with small surface areas inflict more pain. The combination of small surface area and speed of movement makes this toy high intensity.

Low Intensity Floggers:

Floggers come in a range of styles and intensities. What distinguishes them from whips is multiple and/or thicker tails. Mini or short floggers with thick tails made of a soft material like deerhide are great for beginners or low intensity play. There isn’t a large margin for error because the short length and the soft and thick tails allow for thuddy and precise hits.

High Intensity Floggers:

Floggers have the largest range of intensity depending on the length and material they are made of. High intensity floggers have longer tails and are made of stiffer material. Any long and bendy impact toy takes practice to land correctly as I mentioned before. Thinner tails sting more, braided even more so, rubber and metal the most. Stiffer materials like cowhide will also mean a higher intensity. Floggers with extremely thin tails are often called cat o’ nine tails. They look like a combination between a whip and a high intensity flogger and hurt as much as one would imagine that combination would.

Crops:

Crops sting, so definitely not for the faint of heart but their size and rigidity means that they’re pretty easy to use. A bit of warm up and knowledge of where not to hit and anyone can handle this right.

Paddles:

Paddles, like crops, are easy to handle but their larger surface area means they are a lower intensity toy. They tend to be really thuddy and can be a good toy for low intensity play or for beginners.

Canes:

Canes are easier to handle than whips or long floggers because of their size and rigidity but they are most definitely a high intensity toy. They come in a range of flexibility. The more flexible they are the harder they are to control and the more bite they have. They sting a lot. They can even break the skin.

When it comes to impact toys we tend to separate them into thuddy and stingy. Thuddy is lower intensity pain, feels more like a punch. Stingy is higher intensity pain, feels like a slap, bites into the skin. Like I touched on before, surface area has a lot to do with sting vs. thud but so does material. Leather and wood are thuddy when they’re thick like certain floggers and paddles but have the potential to be stingy when they’re thin like canes, whips and certain other floggers. Rubber on the other hand is always stingy. It grabs onto the skin when it comes in contact with it. Even rubber paddles will sting. Only experienced players should use metal impact toys.

Many people’s idea of bondage is metal police officer cuffs. In reality, police officer cuffs shouldn’t be used on anybody, ever. They can cut and bruise the skin and cause permanent nerve damage. They can also tighten really easily and uncontrollably and often get stuck. There are a lot of great materials that wrist restraints can be made out of. Neoprene and cloth are budget friendly. Leather ones will last years.

Rope sold for bondage comes in different materials. Some of the most common are nylon, cotton and hemp.

Hemp:

Hemp has a rough texture but doesn’t cause rope burn. It’s suspension grade because it’s strong and knots hold tight. And it doesn’t cause rope burn even if it’s pulled fast. It’s good for all levels of experience.

Nylon:

Nylon is a great starter rope because knots can’t pull very tight. It’s suitable for any non suspension bondage. It’s sleek and smooth but can burn if pulled too fast across the skin.

Cotton:

Cotton rope looks a lot like hemp but feels softer. It is cheap, easy to find and washable. Like nylon it is only suitable for non suspension bondage but isn’t great for beginners because knots can pull very tight and be very difficult to undo.

You’ll find other types of rope materials such as jute, silk, polyester, bamboo. Make sure to do your research on what kind of rope you want and what rope you have, before using it. As can be seen from the brief descriptions above, different ropes are suitable for certain things and need to be cared for in certain ways. Always have safety shears within easy reach when playing with any rope but cotton rope in particular. There should always be room for at least one if not two fingers between the rope and the body. Constantly check that the blood circulation of the person being tied up isn’t being affected by the rope. Always make sure the skin around the rope isn’t turning blue. Check in with the person tied up to make sure they aren’t feeling any pins and needles. Have the person tied up wiggle their fingers and toes. Never leave a tied up person alone.

It took me the better part of a year to realize that I had been sexually assaulted.

During freshman orientation week, my cheery dorm advisor welcomed us all into our new residential hall at Princeton University. It was absurd how much Sarah* was the quintessential dorm parent. She was a history major who danced on the side, organized yet warm, happy to listen for about 10 to 15 minutes of small talk. She told our little circle of freshmen about the Princeton Rights, Rules, and Responsibilities, the clubs, and the blue lights found every ten yards. With one push of the button, you’d be connected to a Public Safety Officer, and help would be on its way. She managed to say around 80% of this smiling, and you could very easily imagine a later Betsy Ross, hand-stitching the Princeton crest into a flag.

I reflect a lot on that conversation from that sunny late-August afternoon. Almost none of that cheerily regurgitated spoon-fed mush was actually reflective of what my next four years would be like. It turns out that most of my professors never learned my name, let alone eagerly reached out to encourage my personal development. I did make lifelong friends, but the visions of constant study breaks and joyous late nights hanging out dissipated in lieu of long, long nights in an isolated carrel, three floors underground. But the myth that was perhaps the most harmful to me was the blue light.

At this point perhaps those of you who are Gatsby lovers, envision me lying on my side on the sidewalk, in a long, tattered silk dress gently flowing in the wind. One strap sliding down my shoulder, my arm outstretched beseechingly towards that blue light that shone in the night when ten yards might as well have been a mile, as a dark shadow of a man slowly comes into frame. But no, it didn’t happen like that. It wasn’t romantic. I wasn’t a heroine. I actually walked past six of those blue lights without once reaching for one, as I walked with James* back to his room.

He had a long, crooked smile, and a slight southern accent. A dimple on the left cheek when he smiled. I was on the dark dance floors of one of the more elitist clubs, my first week as a freshman. I noticed a few guys were smoking cigarettes while dancing. I bummed one, and started smoking with them.** James came up to me, his smile sideways, eyes catching the light. “You know you aren’t supposed to be smoking down here.” I laughed at him, pointing to his own lit cigarette. “Well, I’m friends with the guys who run this place. You really aren’t supposed to be smoking here.” I raised an eyebrow at him and laughed.

“You’re pretty special, aren’t you?” He had his fraternity pledge light me another cigarette. We danced. We laughed. He continued to tease me with that subtle drawl. I continued to toss my hair and mercilessly tease him back. At the end of the night, the music stopped. And I said, what now? And he said, now we go back to my room. And I took his proffered elbow. I was completely sober.

When he closed the door, the space in the room sucked inwards, pulling and sucking, and pressing me into him. There was so much less…room than on the dance floor. On the dance floor, I was the wild thing. My freedom was exhilarating. The world was so big, and it was my maze to wander and run in. I didn’t know it then, but like a wild thing I was hunted. And now I was trapped.

I didn’t fight him off. In fact, I’m pretty sure he has no idea that he sexually assaulted me. I froze inside. His hands crawled over me, him pushing, thrusting. “Doesn’t that feel so good?” “I’m the best you’ve ever had, aren’t I?” I shrank into the vacant stare of my eyes, the slight tightening of my nostrils, and the occasional quiet, meek “mhm”. As I pulled on a t-shirt, he told me that I should thank my mother for my sweet tits.

Afterwards, we slept. He snored, an absurdist stereotype. I got up to pee. My labia had swelled a bit, and it was red and tender to the touch. I went back and laid awake in his bed until I too fell asleep. The next morning I woke up early to go to my Linear Algebra class. The girl beside me asked if I could move one seat over so that her friend could sit with her. I smiled at her and said of course.

A few weeks later, I learned that James was known for having “yellow fever.” I had been fucked because I was Chinese-American and a brand-new freshman. That dynamic could fill tomes of anthropological study. The new Edward Said, a continuation of the study of Orientalism and its effects on the pattern of handsome, elite white boys fucking yellow girls.

It took me about six months to figure out how to communicate during sex. It took me three more years to have mind-blowing sex. There was plenty of decent, mediocre, and disappointing sex in-between. But it wasn’t until four years later, when a movie happened to recreate my precise sexual assault, panning to focus on the woman’s blank stare as the man thrusted into her, that I truly realized that it wasn’t my fault.

My dress wasn’t torn, and there was no blue light for me. I blamed myself for not protesting more vehemently, for not leaving. But honestly, none of that would have been an issue if he had once looked in my eyes and asked if I was okay.

*names have been changed

**I quit smoking a month later. Really. Smoking isn’t cool.

*Photos taken by: Thomas Polcaster

Sometimes I’m tired or my anxiety is consuming eighty percent of my energy, and sometimes it’s the week before my period and my body hurts and I feel bloated like a inflatable raft. Sometimes I’m just not feeling it. Sometimes I’ll be feeling it and then my partner will say something well intentioned but that makes the whole thing seem like a lot of effort for my tired soul that just wanted to have sex and an intimate moment before bed and I’ll flip over, not into it anymore. There are nights that I want to wrap myself up like a burrito and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Sometimes I wonder if my sex drive is just particularly low and if actually there are people all over the city ready to go at any moment. I sometimes wonder if I’m just a weirdo with an extra sensitive vagina that gets sore often.

It’s hard to shake the feeling that saying no to someone is going to make them angry. I’ve always felt guilty for not wanting to, over apologizing and freaking out that my partner, who I’ve been in a committed relationship with for over a year, will be mad or hold it against me, even though he has never done either of those things.  

I never see people turn down sex in the movies. Usually when people would offer reasons for why I wouldn’t want to have sex with them, they were along the lines of ‘you’re scared you’ll get attached,” or “you don’t want to make it awkward later.” It was rarely just, oh, you might not want to and that’s totally okay and we’ll just cuddle and eat noodles. If I didn’t want to, I would compensate by apologizing, promising sex later at a different time, worried that the person would be offended or lose interest or the very worst, kick me out of their apartment in anger. I was terrified that my perceived rejection would result in an even larger rejection. I was scared that the other person would go into a rage and just go out and find someone else.

Eventually, I realized that having sex when I wasn’t in the mood wasn’t worth it, just to avoid judgement. There were exceptions, when it felt like I wanted to do it out of love for someone else and their need at that moment, but generally, I started to back away from having sex on nights when I didn’t feel like it, especially when I was doing it out of worry that the other person would be angry. Please, I would whisper to myself, let me tell you this without you judging me. I’m so tired and just want to cuddle. I wanted to be the cool girl, the fun and sexy girl, always up for it, but not as much as I wanted to be the girl who did what she wanted, who could say no and mean it and not eat herself alive with guilt.

The key is communicating to a partner the why behind the decision. As someone who has initiated sex before only to have the other person say they’re not in the mood, it’s easy to feel that it’s a reflection of how the person feels about you. Taking ego out of it is hard, but clearly explaining the emotions and thought process behind it can help the other person understand what’s going on in your body and soul.

I like to either set expectations at the beginning of the night, if I know what kind of a mood I’m in, or take the time to walk the other person through what’s on my mind. For example, the other day I was in the mood for something quick before work; my boyfriend was interested in a longer and more focused interaction. I had suggested it and had mentioned that we were short on time, so I thought we were on the same page, and when he asked me if we could focus on me for fifteen minutes, I felt immediately stressed. Instead of feeling thankful that he wanted to focus on me, I felt pressure to enjoy it and validate him; I felt stressed for time and as though he hadn’t heard me when I had suggested having sex quickly to start the day off. I was frustrated that his perception of what would make me happy wasn’t matching up with mine. I felt like it was more about him wanting to do something for me that was actually for himself, and his vision of what I wanted, than it was me asking him to do something for me because it was what I wanted. It’s a very fine line but is different. I felt like I would have to spent those fifteen minutes enjoying myself when in reality, I had too much on my mind to really be in the moment for more than a few minutes.

Eventually, the situation deflated and it was clear that I didn’t feel like it anymore. Later, when I was explaining it to him, I tried to communicate that I didn’t want to experiment in a moment when I had expressed stress. I had felt like I was already making an effort to find time for us to have the experience, and that nothing I did would be good enough, that I would never enjoy myself enough or make enough time. Explaining to him the subtleties of what I read from the situation versus what he did allowed us to openly communicate about why I went from being interested in sex to not being interested in sex.

It’s okay to not always be in the mood. Saying I don’t feel like it is a completely  valid reason. And people who make you feel like you’re being judged for not being in the mood, because they’ve somehow never seen a person not want to have sex, are taking it as a rejection of them, rather than a move for you and your body. Sometimes sex just isn’t what’s on the table for the night. And that’s okay.

Growing up in a sex negative culture, a lot of our sex education comes from whispered conversations at sleepovers and porn. Understandably, as a result of this, myths abound in the mainstream understanding of sex. This list, by no means exhaustive, is meant to deconstruct five commonly heard myths at sex toy stores.

1. Anal sex is supposed to be painful.

Nothing in sex is “supposed to be” painful unless you want it to be. Sadism and Masochism have so many amazing places to be exercised but the anus and rectum are not that place. Pain is an important way that your body talks to you. Pain could mean tearing, and tearing could lead to fecal matter getting in other parts of the body, or infections, and just in general, really not fun things. Numbing creams are problematic for this reason. Just as a general rule, if something is painful and/or you are not enjoying it, stop! As we say at work, the butt is an equal opportunity orifice. We all have tons of nerve endings in the anus and rectum. Whether or not you have a prostate, anal sex should be pleasurable for all involved. The G-Spot can even be stimulated through the butt. Enthusiasm from all players is key. It means relaxed muscles and awakened nerve endings. The other necessity is lube. Contrary to what porn may have taught you, saliva is never an adequate substitute for lube. Arguably all sex acts should involve lube (which I’ll discuss later) but since the butt is not a self lubricating part of the body, lube is not optional. Go out and grab some silicone lube if you’re using condoms or body parts, a thick water based one if you’re using silicone toys. Once you have enthusiasm from all players and a good lube, try fingers first, maybe a plug, or some other toy that is safe for anal use, take it slow, stop if you’re not enjoying it, come back to it later, or not.

2. Vibrators desensitize.

This comes up most often when people pick up the Magic Wand but I also hear it about vibrators in general. I find the easiest way to think about this myth is clapping. You know how when you clap for a long period of time your hands start to go numb but shortly after you get feeling back in them? That is the same of all of the nerves all over your body. Yes, they can get over stimulated but that doesn’t mean they’re getting blown out, just taking a nap. Sometimes though this myth is phrased a little differently. “Won’t vibrators ruin me for ‘real sex’,” “Won’t I become dependent on a vibrator to get off?” And an endless number of slightly differently phrased but essentially very similar questions. When you grow up being told that sex and sexuality are something to be ashamed of it’s no surprise that celebrating it with toys feels shameful to a lot of people. If you feel like you’re “getting dependent” on your vibrator to get off maybe analyze why that is. Is it because it’s playing a role in your sex life that you’re afraid or too uncomfortable to ask your partner(s) to play? Or, don’t analyze it and just enjoy using it. Talk it through with your partner(s) that you want to use a toy because it’s awesome and not to say anything about them or the sex you’re having. Vibrators and humans do very different things. Which leads us into our next myth.

3. Incorporating toys or lube into partnered sex means that someone is deficient in some way.

While all misconceptions about sex are unfortunate, this one in particular stands out as a prime example of our society’s issue with communication regarding sex and sexuality.

Due to  our miscommunication, we harbor insecure feelings and shame attached to our sex lives. Cock rings aren’t only used by people who are trying to delay ejaculation and there is nothing wrong with  wanting to delay ejaculation. Drawn out orgasms are awesome. Vibrating penises are awesome. Making your partner come, once or multiple times, is awesome. Vibrators aren’t only used by people that can’t get off with their partner(s) or can’t get their partner(s) off. Unless you have a human that can move so fast they vibrate or have inexhaustible strength vibrators are not competition. And even if you are fooling around with a superhero, vibrators are still amazing. They free up the hands, bodies, minds, to do other stuff. As for lube, no one is an unending geyser of lubrication but here we are specifically going to talk about people with vulvas. The amount of lubrication bodies make depends on many random factors such as: Where you’re at in your cycle, what you ate for lunch, how well you slept the night before, whether or not you paid your phone bill, the chances of your favorite contestant being voted off The Voice, etc, etc. Expecting your body to make the perfect amount of lubrication every time you ask it to is unrealistic.

4. The G-spot doesn’t exist.

In utero the cells that make up our genitals exist before they take on any configuration. This means that no matter what your genitals look like they have a lot in common with everyone else’s. The clitoris and the head of the penis come from the same tissue. The same goes for the outer labia and the scrotum, the clitoral hood and foreskin, the ovaries and testes and the list goes on. This also means that the cells that make up the spongy tissue that makes up the G-Spot exists in every single body. For people with penises those cells make up the prostate and for those with a vulva, the G-spot. So, yes, the G-Spot most definitely exists. However, this does not mean that everyone enjoys or can orgasm from having it stimulated.

Thinking about analogous anatomy isn’t just important for understanding that the G-Spot exists in all bodies. It’s also important in understanding the ways in which different bodies get off. Imagine we lived in a world where every person with a penis was expected to orgasm from having their prostate stimulated alone. I think we can all agree that’s a pretty ridiculous expectation to have. Yes, some people can orgasm that way, but not everyone, and it’s definitely not expected of them! And yet we expect this exact thing from people with vulvas! The G-Spot and Prostate get engorged when that person is aroused. This means that for most people clits and penises need to be stimulated before G-Spots and Prostates. This expectation that the G-Spot is always geared and ready to go has contributed a lot to the myth that G-Spots don’t exist at all (not to mention a lot of bad sex!) Doctors claims that the G-Spot doesn’t exist didn’t take into account the role of the clitoris or that most people aren’t turned on while at the obgyn! It’s real. We all have a G-Spot by one name or another. However, whether or not you enjoy it being stimulated or can orgasm from stimulating it is totally up to you, your body and your preferences.

5. If you enjoy prostate stimulation you’re gay.

Imagine if someone said that not liking having your elbow touched means you’re lactose intolerant. That’s a ridiculous remark. When you detangle this myth from all of it’s cloaked homophobia and misogyny, that’s what this myth is, ridiculous. The prostate gland, as we touched on in the last myth, is spongy tissue with an abundance of nerve endings. If you enjoy having your nerve endings stimulated then prostate stimulation might be for you! I know some of you are thinking that it’s more of an issue of putting something up your butt. To be clear no one is forcing you to put anything up your anus and never should but being interested in doing that is not some secret way your body is telling you that you’re gay. Your sexuality and what nerve endings you enjoy having stimulated are  unrelated. Now about that cloaked homophobia and misogyny. Inherent in this myth is that being gay is something to be ashamed of. People are worried that enjoying prostate stimulation translates to being gay.  If you dig a little deeper this myth is covered with misogyny. Those that are afraid to put things up their butt are reluctant because they don’t want to be penetrated. Not wanting to be penetrated is your choice but when it’s because being penetrated is seen as being “feminine” and by feminine you mean degrading, maybe it’s time to reconsider. I don’t want people to come away from this thinking that the only way to get rid of their internalized homophobia and misogyny and/or be a true ally is to put things up their butt. That’s not what this is about. Just maybe try to distance butt feelings from preconceived notions of masculinity and sexuality.

Anal penetration within the context of heterosexual couples is not terribly taboo — but when the penetrative roles are reversed, the act remains controversial.

Pegging, a term coined by sex columnist Dan Savage in 2001, refers to the scenario when someone adorns a strap-on to penetrate their partner, usually anally. The sexual act dates as far back as — well, as far back as whenever someone decided sticking an inanimate phallic object up someone else’s hole looked fun.

Strap-ons are familiar territory for most queer folk, but for many straight men, the thought of their female partner(s) stimulating them anally is a sensitive topic. 

Professional pervert and “philosopher” the Marquis de Sade wrote about the act in 1795, Williams S. Burroughs in 1959, eventually making its way to cinema in 1970 and porn in ’76 — where it would stay in the smutty shadows for the remainder of the century. Pegging would continue to be referenced by mainstream media in small ways, but the first prime-time break came in 2015 with the popular television show Broad City.

The episode featured the female protagonist’s male love interest asking her to peg him, going as far as to reveal a customized strap-on. Despite the comedic nature of the show, pegging itself was not made out to be the punchline. The joke — clarified by Broad City co-creator Abbi Jacobson — was the plot line in which her character attempts to wash her partner’s expensive, handcrafted dildo in the dish washer, thereby destroying it. “We were very careful because we didn’t want it to be misconstrued that that preference [pegging] is looked down on,” Jacobson said, as reported by Vulture.

The episode attempts to attach normalcy to the act, as male-bodied anal stimulation is still thought of by some to be a domain reserved solely for homosexual men. Many think anal pleasure is a decision homosexual men make out of necessity rather than their own volition (males have only one entry point, so…), but anatomical evidence proves that heterosexual men are biologically designed to enjoy it, too.

The prostate, often referred to by experts as “the male G spot” and located within the anus, is actually a highly erogenous zone, and when stimulated, can intensify its host’s orgasms. Additionally, prostate stimulation is also used as medical procedure to reduce inflammation. Studies have also found that continual prostate massages are believed to slightly reduce men’s risk of prostate cancer.

But despite the scientific evidence that anal stimulation is not only normal, but natural — heterosexual men and women still have reservations about butt play.

“My current partner would definitely not be into it. He’s really grossed out by butt stuff of any kind,” says Ashley, 23, who identifies as bisexual.

Allie, a 22-year-old straight woman, was also skeptical heterosexual men would be readily up for the task. “What I would assume, is that most straight guys would not be comfortable doing that. You have to find someone who was really comfortable with their sexuality.”

What about the boys?

20-year-old NYU student “Max” was not familiar with pegging. His brows remained furrowed while the specifics were explained to him. Afterwards, he was still unsure whether he would try it, but added, “If I did try it, I wouldn’t tell my friends.”

Yet not all straight men were vehemently opposed to pegging. In fact, it was art student Maddie’s male-identified partner who approached her about the possibility of penetrating him, apparently having done it before and enjoyed it. Maddie leaped at the opportunity.

“I loved fucking him in the ass and he loved it too,” she said of the experience, “it was empowering and sexy to see him get off from penetrating. It was really interesting to me to find his ‘spot,’ like I do when I have sex with women and I think it made him feel really vulnerable.” He is very comfortable with his sexuality, she believes and attributes to, in part, the fact that two of his brothers are gay.

After she pegged him, Maddie said she felt powerful. “It felt like I was able to express a feeling in a new way, like learning a new word for a way you’ve always felt.” A pretty glowing review.

But not all straight men are as comfortable as Maddie’s former partner with the notion of backdoor entry.

“Eric”, a 30-something heterosexual publishing exec, thinks that a strap-on would just be a gateway for the fleshier, real member the toy represents. When pressed on why he believes that, he responded heatedly, “Look, men penetrate and woman are penetrated, that’s the way it’s always been!”

An interesting proposition. He continued to explain that men and women have ingrained sexual roles. This sentiment — or at the very least reservations about disrupting the status quo of penetration — was echoed by college student Leah. “I don’t know, it’s just that I don’t feel comfortable doing that to someone else,” she said cautiously, seeming as though she did not want to offend parties who did enjoy pegging.

While Eric and Leah may be troubled by the role reversal pegging presents, for others, it’s exactly what drew them to the act in the first place.

Jordan Mannix, 21, said she was first introduced to pegging through the Broad City episode. She was approached by a man who wanted to try it, and Mannix raved about the experience. “It was such an interesting role reversal. Like it’s such a novel experience. I was just thinking about how crazy it was that I was fucking someone, like hell yeah!”

On the evening of November 2nd, a crowd of roughly seven gathered in the basement of a NYC sex shop called Pleasure Chest on the Upper West Side. Basked in red light of a neon sign reading “Sex is back”, they have come to attend a pegging workshop entitled “Bend Over Buddy: Anal Pleasure for Him.”

The basement lacks sufficient ventilation, so the room is quite warm.

“I’ve had a lot of sex,” Nico, the employee who led the workshop, assured the audience. The two hour workshop covered the literal in and outs of pegging; from how to broach the subject with a hesitant partner to the mechanics of the act itself. A variety of strap-ons, harnesses, and lubricants were displayed on a table to be referenced (and reviewed) during the presentation — the ultimate product placement. A worksheet was passed out which which allowed people to categorize specific sexual acts based on personal levels of comfort, promoting conversation on intimate and sexual boundaries.

After the workshop ended, the majority of the audience shuffled out quickly. The workshop was primarily technical, so politics were left out. However, talking to Nico afterwards, she seemed to possess added opinions about the stigma surrounding pegging.

Nico, a Latinx trans woman, believes the biggest reservation cisgender heterosexual people — those who identify with the roles society assumes of them at birth — have about pegging (other than cleanliness) is how it challenges the concept of gender roles.

“Queerness is pathologized,” she said, her face glossy with a sheen of sweat, “is that something that’s structural? Yes. [It is] something that we subliminally view, that queerness is dirty. That queerness is wrong. Things are changing, but queerness is terrifying to society.”

She believes that people are afraid that by engaging in an unorthodox sexual behavior that flips ingrained gender roles, they will somehow become queer, as queerness can best be understood as a philosophy and identity that rejects sexual and gender binaries altogether.

Whether this fear of subverting sexual stereotypes is rooted in homophobia — I’ll leave that call to the academics and Twitter critics.

However, it is further proof that gender roles define (read: confine) not only public spaces, but our most intimate and private spaces, as well. Many would reject a sexual exploration and deny themselves potential pleasure based on an outside, societal factor. So cemented are our ideas of “who penetrates who” that we’ll willfully ignore our biological capacities for satisfaction. Because what exactly is taboo about pegging?

Unlike other kinks like bondage and fantasies which introduce entirely new dynamics into the bedroom, pegging takes a concept we know well and simply reverses who’s doing the thrusting. The deep upset over this reversal is the true take away: that we have confined ourselves with learned notions of what it means to be a man and a woman having sex.

*Written and reported in part with Nina Rettenwander.