I live in a city with 8.5 million people.
Thatās 8.5 million faces, 8.5 million smiles, and 8.5 million hearts. Yet, IĀ still ask myself why I feel like Iām invisible. I donāt mean invisible in that emo high school way, more like Iām a red herring. Iām going the wrong way, swimming in the wrong direction; why should I care if they notice or not? At least Iām fucking swimming.
I’m only 18, but Iāve come to recognize that one of the hardest adulthood battles is that against solitude. Of course, I have my family and friends who I couldn’t live without, but this battle regards romantic love; itās against being alone.Ā Iāve come to realize that our lives, more are less, are defined by the periods we spend in and out of love. Yes, life is much more than those two simple periods, but in a way, isnāt our humanity defined by the people we choose to be around and even more so by the people we choose to love?
Iāve recently entered my firstĀ out of loveĀ period. I graduated high school, moved across the country from the palm trees of South Florida to the high rises of New York. I start college in the fall, and I can count the amount of people I know here on one hand. As much as life’s new developments fascinate and scare me, I canāt help but think about how I just broke up with my first boyfriend.
As I work my way through the anxiety of a new home, new friends, and a new life ā I realize Iām doing it all on my own. There are no kisses to make things better, no hand to hold, no sex. Iāve lost the individual who was the very first person that represented love to me. And I canāt even say that I lost him, because I chose to be alone. I could feel something ethereal telling me the relationship was over ā and as it turns out, it was.Ā
Iāve been in my first out of love moment for over a month now. Iāve started writing again, which is something Iām genuinely proud of. Iām getting a tattoo, something Iām slightly terrified of. More importantly, Iām getting genuinely appreciative of being alone again. I grew up ferociously independent, so when I found my first love it felt nice having someone else to tell me things were going to be okay. I got used to that, as anybody would, and I was afraid to let that feeling go. As scared as I was after we broke up, I was ready. I was ready to get back to being who I was when I was alone: a little too loud, boy crazy, and fucking alive.
Now that I’m single it feels like Iāve made some grand return. I was off vacationing for a while, gone from my own skin and body, but now I’m back to being a little too loud, boy crazy, and fucking alive. Not to say I wasnāt those things while I was in love, but I have to admit they feel a little more true now. I donāt have to share any part of myself with someone else. I get to hold onto all of me. Maybe thatās a little selfish… but I damn well deserve it.
As I wade through my time alone I find myself thinking about the need humans feel for connection. Maybe the problem is that weāre terrified of being alone. To some extent, I get it. Thereās comfort in knowing you have someone to sleep with every night, but thereās also comfort in knowing who you are when you close your eyes. We should be taught that it doesnāt matter who you attract, who wants to fuck you, or even who loves you if you arenāt able to understand and love yourself. Being alone gives you that opportunity to genuinely appreciate what makes you who you are. Having moments where you become the main reason you wake up each morning is truly precious.
By accepting periods your of aloneness, you don’t run the risk of giving yourself up to find a person to spend the rest of your life with. When you find them, youāll already know who you are. Youāll be able to cherish those moments you had to yourself, because being in love with yourself is crucial to loving another.
We can either accept or reject the periods of our lives where we donāt have someone to be in love with. Whatever your choice, try harder to relish your being alone sometimes. As much as I love love ā the time I spend out of it is the time I can truly focus on being and becoming me. Thereās no distractions, no fights, no sacrifice. When weāre alone, we get to do whatever the fuck we want.Ā
I hope you accept your time, cultivate the love you have for yourself, and make that the best love story there ever was.