No two coming out stories are exactly alike.
It was a hot August day when I told my mom I was queer. I sat in the front seat of the car with tears welling up in my eyes. I was 19 years old and home from college for the summer. I had just returned from a party with my high school friends where, upon coming out to them, I was sexually harassed by my ex boyfriend who had been drinking heavily. This is not about that night, but the events that led to the front seat of my momās car will unfortunately always be a part of my story.
Three years later, I decided to interview my mother to gain her perspective on my coming out story. Below is an edited transcript of our discussion.Ā
When did I come out to you and how did I do it?
Mom: Well, you did it in a way that you didnāt intend to. It was in the context of telling me about something else, and you couldnāt avoid telling me about your sexualityĀ ā that you identify as queer ā without telling me about this really bad experience that you had. Weāve talked about it since then, and I think you wouldnāt have done it that way if you had been able to choose the time and place, but thatās the way it happened.
Are you disappointed it happened that way?
I wish it had been more of a positive experience for both of us because I think it couldāve been.
I couldn’t fully process it at that time. In retrospect, [Nora’s ex]ās actions were even more harmful than he intended because he robbed us of the opportunity to have a positive conversation about it. I think your queerness couldāve been the focus, and we couldāve concentrated on the positive feelings around it rather than the negative feelings. I wanted to protect you and shelter you from the hurt that that person caused you. It couldāve been more celebratory but it wasnāt.
Do you consider coming out a cause for celebration?
I think it is because itās you. Itās not something like, āHereās my new hair colorā for example ā itās not a choice like that. Itās just you revealing more of yourself, and that feels like a cause for celebration.
I like that sentiment. I think being yourself should be a celebratory thing.
Yes, exactly.
How would you have liked me to come out to you? Should I have done it in song?
*Laughs*Ā I wouldāve liked it if you had said to dad and me, āHey guys, hereās what Iāve discovered about myself.” Then your parents, as a partnership, couldāve said, āGreat! Weāre so glad that you found that out and youāre sharing it with us.”
Iāve been thinking about why I was so hesitant to tell dad, and Iāve realized it actually has a lot to do with the way I had to tell you. That was such an unpleasant experience that I came to associate talking openly about my sexuality with [that] bad experience. It never had anything to do with dad as a person, and I knew that the whole time, but I really struggled with the āwhyā of it all. I love dad and I never have problems telling him anything but I remembered the way I felt coming out to you, and I just didnāt want to feel that way again.
That makes sense. I think he would love to hear that. He gets it.
I wonder what Nana wouldāve thought if Iād had the chance to come out to her.
Well, when one of your cousins came out she said something like, āIt doesnāt matter, I love you anyway.” Like my dad, she was very devout, but her love for her family came first, so it didnāt matter to her. There were other times when other peopleās children needed support and she and Grandpa gave it to them despite the teachings of the Catholic faith.
As a millennial, itās really easy to make assumptions about the opinions of older generations. Iāve certainly made assumptions like that. I always just assumed that if Nana and Grandpa were alive now they wouldnāt approve of my sexuality, but itās surprising and wonderful to know that that wouldnāt be the case. Itās a weight off my chest.
People can surprise you.
What do you wish for other parents of young queer people?
What do I wish?
Yeah, Iām big on wishes in 2019.
Okay. I wish for them a close, loving relationship with their child so that whatever happens for their child and for their relationship, they have that foundation. If you love your child, you celebrate what they discover about themselves. You celebrate it all. So I wish that… and the strength to help their children be strong.
Good wishes.
*Ā *Ā *
After my mom and I talked, I thought it was only fitting for me to make a wish too, a wish for the kids like me, the queer kids (and yes, at 22 years old I still feel like a kid).
My wish for you is to come out whenever you want, as often as you want, to as many people as you want. Thereās no one way to do it. If you want to tell the whole world or just one close friend or family member, you can. For you, I wish authorship of your own story. Itās your coming out story, so write it however you damn well please.
Photos (in order of appearance) byĀ Sofia Amburgey,Ā Jess Farran, andĀ Ā Olivia Renouf.Ā