I’ll start out by saying this is my personal experience of being non-binary. I cannot speak for anyone else.
I came out to myself as non-binary at 17. I’d had very little real-life exposure to the concept of non-binary; I learned about NB mainly online and through social media. It made so much sense to me, I had never connected with being a woman or identifying with my body parts in the way I was socialized to. “Pussy power” didn’t inspire me and I wasn’t proud of having a period, both things I felt pressured to feel growing up in Seattle. That cis-feminism second-wave bullshit is extremely exclusionary and hurtful to trans and gender non-conforming people. I hated the huge “FUCK MEN” vibe I felt coming from those exclusive pussy-only spaces, a transphobic attitude that prohibited non-binary and trans people who hadn’t come out yet from feeling safe and comfortable in those places. Stepping away from that second-wave feminism and exploring the concept of being non-binary made me feel like I had a more powerful voice. This process allowed me to separate my identity from my body parts, and separate the ownership of body parts from the gender spectrum more generally.
I came out as queer a year later. Gender and sexuality are two completely different concepts and you don’t always understand how you identify on both spectrums at the same time. Embracing my sexuality helped me separate genitals from gender, and allowed me to become inclusive of all body types and genders. I had identified predominantly as straight growing up. I was confused by my feelings for people other than cis men. I thought my interest in queer people was platonic, and I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I was just plain attracted to them. I experienced these confusing feelings about my first girlfriend, Butter, before we began dating. It wasn’t until we danced together one night that I realized I had a crush on her. I had a lot of internalized homophobia to come to terms with, because growing up I felt like I could never date a girl, but maybe I could just make out with one. Shortly after we began seeing each other, I was able to overcome these feelings, because I felt like I’d found someone I wanted to be with for a long time. So far, Butter has been the love of my life, or at least of my first 20 years on this Earth (haha). We were in a polyamorous relationship for about 9 months and broke up about a year ago, but she is still my best friend and I’ll love her forever. During this time, I was extremely blessed to have been surrounded by an incredible group of friends who all began to come into our identities together and still continue to learn and grow.
Once I had accepted the fact that I was non-binary, I started to feel much more comfortable in my own skin. Since there was no idea or model of what I should be or look like, once I accepted myself, I felt more comfortable coming out to others. Currently, I feel pretty damn okay about myself. It changes every day, but that’s true for everyone. I think I’ve reached an ultimate understanding about myself, and my relationship to gender and sexuality. Sometimes I wish I looked more masculine. I tend to feel more comfortable and attractive when I dress in a more masculine fashion, and have at times experienced deep dysmorphia. At the same time, I think the association between androgyny and gender nonconforming is bullshit. You can look however you want and still be non-binary, and that’s something I need to remind myself of too.
It’s always interesting coming out to people. Sometimes I choose not to at all. Last year I came out to my work by emailing 50+ people at once. It was an interesting experience. Not everybody got it, but more importantly, a lot of people tried to. As long as someone is not trying to maliciously misgender me, it doesn’t bother me when people slip up. I prefer when people gender me correctly. I honestly don’t know who they are talking about when someone refers to me as “she”; I feel like they don’t actually know me. Again, this is just how I feel personally and I don’t want to speak for anybody else. An old co-worker asked me,“So you’re not a woman and you’re not a man, what are you?” I answered, “A person.” That is the simplest way to explain it. For me, it’s important to have patience with these people and help them understand. Getting upset or angry isn’t going to help anyone. Growing up, we were and continue to be only socialized to accept heteronormativity. As long as they are trying, that’s what counts. Many queer people are tired of having to explain themselves to every person questioning their identity and not everyone is in the position or comfortable enough to do so, therefore it’s always nice to have allies to help explain and understand.
“They” until proven otherwise is a nice default pronoun. It’s always important not to assume someone’s gender, but also be careful about the way you ask or where. You don’t know if they want to talk about it at that moment, or if you are in safe space. I find that in private is always the best place for that conversation. It is nice when people correct others who misgender you, but knowing the right way to is important. For example, I think a good way to correct someone would be saying something about them and including their correct pronoun, like “This is ___ and they make really good music!,” instead of correcting someone in a more public manner like “This is ___ and they are non-binary and neither a man or a woman!”.
Collage is called “Trial & Error: Figuring Out Who I Was” by Chella Man
Watercolors by Aaron Tsuru