What Happened Last Night?

In a generation that has supposedly exposed what consent means, whether it’s through an Instagram post discussing consent post-assault or an article calling out yet another celebrity for sexual harassment, we are quick to assume that we understand consent. When it comes to consent, “yes” is the golden word seen as an affirmative, undeniable agreement. However, when we begin to explore other factors such as being intoxicated or feeling pressured to engage in a sexual act, the line between what is and isn’t okay with the individuals involved begins to blur. 

This occurred to me on a strange summer afternoon. I woke up in the bed of a close friend of mine and had to ask myself, “What happened last night?” Sex is complicated by itself, and can produce feelings either during or afterward that were inconceivable prior to the experience. Yet, when reflecting on a sexual encounter, how can one consider the difference between regret and realizing what occurred was not actually okay with you? There are myriad questions that play into this: When consenting to sex, is simply saying “yes” enough? If you’re both intoxicated, is “yes” still yes? If you feel pressure to be sexually active from friends or society, is the word “yes” still yours to useor has it simply become a leverage point of escaping future consequences? Oftentimes, the concept of consent is used to avoid the discomfort of reflecting on a negative sexual experience by restating to yourself that you agreed to what was happening in the moment, a form of legitimizing a possibly harmful experience.

The excuse that everyone has bad sex is used, both seriously and in a comedic sense, to affirm sexual encounters. And while there is a clear distinction between bad sex and non-consensual sex, if someone reflects on a sexual experience and views it as being bad or uncomfortable, one must take the extra step to question whether what occurred was actually agreed upon by all involved. And take into account that you could’ve changed your mind post-giving consent. When discussing consent in this manner, it’s not as much about blame as it is about understanding within yourself what you wanted compared to what actually happened. There are ways to project that you consent to a sexual experience, but it’s important to recognize even the most minimal signs that indicate your partner is no longer consenting. 

When my body no longer felt like my own but the waste of another, I knew that I was not okay with what had happened. Despite trying to reason with myself by being selective about which aspects of the situation I deemed important—such as my close relationship with this friend or that we were intoxicated—I know that I never would’ve engaged in this sex had I been sober. Being able to acknowledge this has helped me to uncover the sometimes uncomfortable intricacy of sex and emotion that lies just beneath the surface of consent.

Consent should never be an excuse during or after a sexual experience to justify what was, in reality, not okay with you or others. If you’re not okay with what’s happening or aren’t feeling pleasure, stop or change what you don’t like. If you realize that what already happened was not entirely consensual, hold the individuals involved accountableeven if you do so only in your head. Consent is not only heard, it’s also seen. If you or your partner appear to be in a state of discomfort or either of you is intoxicated, it’s extremely important to consider whether the experience is what it should be.

As much as I wish that simply asking the question, “What are we doing right now?” could’ve been enough to alert my close friend that what was happening on that night was not okay with me, a more firm “stop” or “I don’t want to do this” would’ve been better.

It’s hard to stand up for yourself and what you want, especially with someone you are close to or feel obligated to please. Vocalizing consent is not just a good practice between you and those you choose to have any form of sex with—taking time to vocalize your wants to yourself can help you have a clearer idea of what you’re okay with. Allow yourself to learn from your mistakes and to accept the possibility that an experience was not entirely consensual. I argue that consent should no longer be understood as a simple “yes” or “no,” but as a continuous, attentive process which must be considered while having sex by both you and your partners.