“Line up by body count! Men in the front, pussies in the back!” yelled an older fraternity member looking down at us from a balcony. I stood nervously, exchanging brief glances with the other new members. We shuffled into a new line, attempting to decipher our new rankings by exchanging body count numbers with those around us. Those who had slept around sufficiently puffed their chests out proudly and stood beaming at the front of the line, while those less experienced simply stared at the ground and wistfully took their places in the back.
I stood near the end. Ironically, my longtime girlfriend ensured that I had more sexual experience than the majority of my fraternity brothers combined. According to them, however, this experience was essentially worthless. Awaiting further orders in silence I noticed the pained expression on my friend’s face as he stood at the end of the line. This is bullshit, I thought.
I came to college with a girlfriend, a decision I had been dissuaded from making by both family and friends alike. “You’re going to want to have fun and enjoy new experiences! There’s no time for a girlfriend,” advised one of my relatives; as though having a girlfriend and having fun in college were mutually exclusive. Even my closest friends had something negative to say. “College relationships never work,” my friend counseled, warning me that I would not be able to have the “full college experience” while in a partnership. Ignoring this discouragement, I left for college with my relationship intact, convinced that I wouldn’t want to pursue anyone new and that my new friends would be entirely understanding of my monogamous commitment.Â
Arriving at college I realized that I was in for a rude awakening. Everyone around me seemed sex obsessed, never ceasing to share stories of their endless conquests. When it became my turn to share, I stated matter-of-factly that I had a girlfriend—someone shouted,”Whipped! This guy is so pussy whipped!”
After realizing that my relationship was something to be ashamed of, I tried my best to avoid these kinds of conversations altogether, and instead find solace in the fact that I loved my girlfriend, telling myself that our love was worth all the torment and shame I faced from others. Eventually, I was worn down by the constant diminishing of my relationship, feeling as though I was missing out on an essential part of the college experience. After hearing my fraternity brother exclaim, “Being single is fucking amazing! I can’t be tamed!” I found myself yearning to be free of the relationship I had once cherished. Soon enough, pressure from new friends and experiences contributed to the collapse of my relationship and I found myself waking up the single man I thought I wanted to be.
Upon hearing word of my newly single status, my friends and brothers alike all had the same mission in mind: get me laid. At first I was apprehensive about sleeping with someone new so soon after the breakup, but in the end I decided it was a good way for me to get over my heartbreak. My first few random hookups were less than ideal. Most were clumsy drunken decisions made nearing the end of a frat party, and each lacked any real emotional or physical connection. I felt uncomfortable getting naked in front of a complete stranger, and the sense of fulfillment I was so used to feeling after a sexual experience never came. It was then that I decided that I wasn’t cut out for hookup culture. In that moment I promised myself that I wouldn’t have sex with another person unless we shared a true emotional and physical bond.
Despite being happy with this decision, I knew that the majority of my friends would not understand the reasoning behind it, nevermind feel the same way. I heard how they talked about guys who hooked up with little to no girls. Insults ranged from trivial: “that guy doesn’t fuck,” to seriously questioning someone’s sexuality or claiming that their dick was small. Ultimately, I was left with a deep sense of inadequacy. It was as though my desire for true intimacy rendered me less masculine or “full-blooded” than my fraternity brothers. However, as I continued my education and began to mature as an individual, I began to question this particular facet of college and fraternity culture. I wondered whether the emphasis on hookup culture in college, and its subsequent association with masculinity, contributes to an environment which fosters sexual assault.
From a young age, we as men are taught that our sex drives and sexual conquests play a defining role in forming our masculinity. This myth could not be more enforced during our college years. We are thrust into a social hierarchy based solely upon our sexual success with women, and as fraternity brothers, we constantly encourage younger members to talk to girls and build relations with sororities. This tactic is a beneficial way of bringing shy members out of their shells, and developing their individual identities. Evidently though, it also places a premium on hookup culture. This emphasis on hookups fosters a highly problematic attitude which makes men feel entitled to sex with women. Partying no longer serves as a means of having fun, but rather as another pressure cooker to get laid. Let me be clear, any individual’s actions are his or her own responsibility. I am not attempting to remove the blame of an assaulter onto their environment. However, the idea that every guy needs to hookup with a girl at a party creates a certain degree of pressure which causes men like myself, to question the status and bounds of their masculinity.
While my experience may paint a distressing picture of college culture, there are many students currently attempting to remove the presence of toxic masculinity on campus, and create a safe environment free from sexual assault. Organizations like Fraternity Men Against Negative Environments and Rape Situations (Frat Manners) aim to educate fraternity men on how to avoid problematic attitudes towards masculinity and deflect the sexual pressure of their peers. With organizations like Frat Manners and a new generation of woke fathers, I’m optimistic that we can change the culture on campuses everywhere. Sex can return to being a fun part of the college experience that can be enjoyed by everyone at their own pace. No pressure.