Why You Can’t Get Over Your Ex, According To Science

 

Ava Answers is a column exploring the science of sex by Ava Mainieri, a PhD student studying women’s health at Harvard University.

 

We all know that crazy ex-girlfriend. She’s the one used as a punchline at a party because she sent a string of twenty unanswered texts. She’s the one who showed up at his house, a mess of tears, and forced him to rehash the whole breakup. She’s one who proclaims on all social media platforms how happy she is and then two days later calls him to re-profess her love. I don’t need more examples to demonstrate that we live in a society that affirms “bitches be cray.”

If you have ever found yourself obsessing over a breakup, take note: scientists have evidence that your ex-boyfriend can remain part of you long after you toss his toothbrush from your bathroom. This is not some love metaphor, but a biological fact.

During pregnancy, cells from the embryo push their way through the placenta and travel to the mother’s uterus, breast, and brain. As the majority of pregnancies are silent and spontaneous miscarriages, women may have multiple men taking residence in their bodies. Don’t beat yourself up for obsessing over your ex long after the breakup — he’s literally in your brain.

Most women don’t even originally know they’re pregnant. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists speculates that approximately 60% of miscarriages occur within the first three months of pregnancy, and that the majority of women don’t even know it is happening. They might experience a single missed period or a heavier than usual blood flow. These embryos overwhelmingly have an abnormal amount of chromosomes (the instruction manual needed to form a baby) — a problem that happens just by chance, not because of anything the mother did. But even within those first few weeks, tiny parts from the growing ball of cells (a fetus) can escape the uterus and spread through the mother’s body. Scientists call the phenomenon fetal microchimerism, after the Greek mythological animal made up of the head of a goat, body of a lion, and tail of a snake.

These tiny invaders don’t just passively enter the mother’s body. A recent experiment found that fetal cells can be identified in a woman’s body as early four to five weeks into pregnancy. Then, the majority actively migrates to the uterus, breasts, and brain. Though many disappear after a few years, some can stick around in the body up to 27 years after pregnancy. A 2012 study dissected brains of around 60 deceased older women and found Y chromosomes (meaning they came from a male pregnancy) in 63% of them. However, these cells were rare — only making up around 1 in every 1000 cells. But fetal cells that had trekked to the brain, developed into healthy brain tissue and the few that traveled to the heart also became heart tissue.

But it is still unclear if these cells act as a mother’s tiny helper. Fetal cells have been documented to migrate to damaged organs in a woman where they transform into other tissue cells; hinting that their goal may be to mend and repair. Some of these cells are stem cells, which can turn into many types of different tissues. They have been found in wounds, like caesarian scars and thyroid tumors, which hint at their active assistance in healing. Despite that, other researchers argue these foreign bodies are causing more harm than good. They may contribute to autoimmune disorders and inflammatory responses like Graves’ disease and Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Fetal cells may be the culprit to blame in part for higher rates of autoimmunity in women. For example, we have three times higher rates of rheumatoid arthritis than men.

From an evolutionary perspective, it is in the interest of the father to try and manipulate the mother. Because the embryo contains genetic material from both parents, the fetal cells that sneak into the mother’s body get half of their instructions from their father. Each baby’s chance of surviving is directly tied to the amount of resources like blood, sugar, and milk it takes from its mother. Because the man does not know if this will be his only child with a woman, he wants his offspring to receive as much nutrition as possible. Therfore, it’s possible fetal cells could be manipulating their mother to drive up blood flow, milk production, and attention.

Work in my own lab raises the possibility of an even more alluring prospect: fetal cells in the brain may be influencing a woman’s emotions and behavior. Because they are primarily found in the hippocampus of a woman’s brain, we speculate that they might not only influence bonding between a mother and her child, but possibly between a woman and her mate. You shouldn’t really fault yourself for monitoring your ex’s activity on Instagram — it could be his genetic material behind your obsession.

Whether or not the greater scientific community agrees with this hypothesis is moot. What is important is that scientists are finally giving heartbreak and women’s health the attention it deserves. As late as the 1980s, whenever someone did not want to deal with a woman’s emotions or was generally alarmed with her behavior, she was taken to a doctor and diagnosed with hysteria. This “syndrome” acted as a sweeping label for all who felt enraged, depressed, too aroused, not aroused enough, and a slew of other ailments thought to be caused by just being a woman. The word hysteria comes from the Greek ‘hystera’ which means uterus, so the condition of hysteria literally meant the misfortune of being a woman.

The peril with feeling crazy is that it discredits us — when we are in an argument, vying for a promotion, or protesting a Supreme Court Justice nomination. It causes us to explain away our emotions instead of scrutinizing them. In scenarios where our voice needs to be heard, it can put the blame on us rather than someone else’s arguable behavior.

Not only is pathologizing women’s emotions demeaning, but it is also scientifically incorrect.

 

 

Second photo by Antonia Adomako. 

 

Ava Answers: Sex Addiction

 

*Ava Answers is a column exploring the science of sex by Ava Mainieri, a PhD student studying women’s health at Harvard University.

 

The behaviors associated with a supposed sex addiction are so common that most everyone can check off at least a few on the list: unsafe sex, daily pornography use, one-night stands, cheating, serial dating, etc. While still considered controversial, the majority of the scientific community believes that the term “sex addiction” is a vice disguised as a pathology. Despite numerous studies, there’s still not enough evidence that high rates of sex lead to tolerance or withdrawal—hallmark symptoms of addiction—or that watching hours of porn, compulsive masturbation, or cheating on partners can be classified as a psychiatric disorder.

The last big push to include sex addiction in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the Bible of psychiatric diagnoses, was led by Martin Kafka in 2010. Even though he presented hundreds of case studies and epidemiological data, the psychiatric association rejected his proposal, citing insufficient experimental evidence and a potential misuse of the diagnosis in legal settings.

The scientific community is skeptical that an individual can develop an “addiction” to sex, as the brain responds differently to drug and alcohol abuse than it does to an orgasm—bad news for Harvey Weinstein and Anthony Weiner, who both claim to be addicts. 

Sex addiction, in theory, sounds plausible. Whenever you do something that feels great, like having sex or eating a piece of chocolate cake, your body releases the neurotransmitter dopamine that teaches your brain to crave that behavior. Experiencing pleasure is your brain’s way of encouraging you to repeat that behavior. Eat a burrito when you’re hungry? Pleasure. Hug your grandma when you’re feeling down? Pleasure. Have sex with that attractive barista and increase your chances of reproducing? Pleasure. If it feels good, you are more likely to crave it. Dopamine is one of the most hyped up hormones—linked to everything from exercise to our obsession with social media. However, while dopamine can cause you to pursue an action, it does not create pleasure itself. It may provoke us to keep checking our phones, but dopamine is not responsible for the actual feelings of delight we get when we receive a new like on Instagram. 

Liking something, or experiencing pleasure, actually comes from opiods—hormones our bodies naturally create. Dopamine, on the other hand, makes us want something. Though wanting and liking something are two neurobiologically separate functions, they are often firmly linked together. We like the things we want and we want the things we like. But because they are different brain circuits, they can be controlled independently. Scientist Kent Berridge discovered that in addiction, wanting and liking can become uncoupled, so that you feel an extreme wanting without a reciprocal increase in pleasure. A study found that dopamine actually peaks in the brain just before, not during or after addicts were given cocaine.

Drugs like heroin and meth release abnormally higher levels of dopamine than natural rewards, like sugar or sex. Over time, your body deals with this influx by reducing how much dopamine is released and its effect in the brain. These changes lower your brain’s response to the drug, which is how tolerance is built. This means that the ability to feel pleasure from any activity is lowered, which leaves you feeling lonely, sad, and as a result, seeking the drugs that flood your brain with dopamine.

Sex does not fit into this model of addiction. Compulsive sexual behaviors may be fostered by a dysfunction of dopamine, serotonin, and a multitude of other neural circuit processes, but it’s a different physiology with drug addiction. 

From the perspective of the brain, orgasming creates a high that can temporarily provide relief from depression or anxiety. Researchers at the Kinsey Institute demonstrated in 2004 that people who self-identified as sex addicts had an increase in sexual behaviors when they were feeling depressed. The drive to get off is a fundamental aspect of being human and large parts of our brain are responsible for regulating our libido and how and when we want it. However, orgasming is not akin to a foreign substance being introduced to your body, but rather a natural process deeply rooted in our biological makeup.

Just because sexual pleasure involves dopamine and reward, does not mean it creates an addiction. There are thousands of behaviors that involve dopamine—from watching TV to petting a dog. If we start calling  the compulsion to engage in these kind of activities an addiction, then the word begins to lose its meaning. The label of a sex addiction is unfortunately a scientifically inaccurate way to describe a more complicated scenario. Depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder may be the principal illnesses which foster hyperactive sexual behaviors. For others, problematic sexual behaviors develop as a way to deal with trauma, like sexual abuse or violence. This may manifest itself as a heightened absorption with getting your rocks off that disrupts daily life.

Some people may just be ashamed of their fetishes. In a large study comprised of 6,000 men examining their sexual behavior, the 170 men who believed they were sex addicts were actually getting laid and masturbating as often as the rest of the subjects. Another study looked at thousands of porn watchers over a two year period, and concluded that the reasoning behind those who identified as porn addicts was based more in whether they had “moral scruples around pornography,” than in how much porn said individuals actually watched. 

As I have said before, there is no “normal’” human behavior—your goal should be becoming comfortable with who you are sexually. The controversy surrounding sex addiction comes down to an issue of classification. From a scientific standpoint, mislabeling compulsive sexual behavior as an addiction is not constructive to finding a cure to the symptoms of these “addicts.” 

 

If you find yourself using sex and porn to escape from your problems, don’t feel ashamed to share what you are going through with a professional. Helplines are a free and non-judgmental way to offer support and resources. Sex Addicts Anonymous (1-800-477-8191) is open to people of any gender and sexual identity and SAMHSA’S National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP) can provide referrals to local treatment facilities.

 

Ava Answers: A Touchy Subject

Ava Answers is a column exploring the science of sex by Ava Mainieri, a PhD student studying women’s health at Harvard University. 

It has been over 4000 years since the ancient Egyptians believed that self-stimulation should be celebrated. Their sun god created the universe by masturbating and the Nile’s currents were determined by his ejaculation patterns. Now, despite social stigmas, we are living in what some call a golden age of masturbation. Science is on board, too. 

Other mammals don’t question the pleasurable effects of masturbation. Female porcupines use sticks as sex toys, bonobo monkeys mediate disputes through oral sex, and walruses contort their bodies to self-felicitate. There isn’t a big difference between what happens in the wild and what happens in the glow of our computer screen: the Kinsey Reports, collected from interviews with over 6,000 women in the 1940s, were the first to quantify that masturbation in both sexes is pervasive. A study conducted in 2007 found that 38% of women and 61% of men admitted to masturbating within the past year, statistics echoed by Mona Chalabi’s analysis of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Other studies report higher statistics: a 2010 study reported that 85% of women and 94% of men masturbate. They even documented cases of women who can get off just by imagining erotic scenes in their heads—without any manual stimulation!

Having sex with oneself can also help prevent cervical and urinary tract infections. When a woman is aroused, her vagina can expand up to three inches. This process, called tenting, stretches the cervix and allows cervical mucus to flush out all the harmful bacteria chilling inside. Don’t think of this sticky substance like you do of boogers residing in your nose, cervical mucus is a thick jelly-like substance that picks up foreign substances living in the uterine cavity and carries them out of the body.

In addition to destroying germs, ‘polishing your pearl’ can alleviate migraines and menstrual cramps faster than popping a Midol. Orgasms also releases endorphins, naturally generated hormones which make you feel great and provide extensive amounts of pain relief. They possess morphine-like effects and produce feelings of euphoria, calmness, and that lovely afterglow that can lull you to sleep. Another study reported that 32% of women who masturbated at night did so to help them fall asleep. Serotonin, another hormone released during a climax, is the brain’s key antidepressant and a reason why people grin and feel relaxed after masturbating.

Like that apple once a day, masturbation has been proven to fire up the immune system and build protection against infections. Orgasming at least once a week is correlated with high levels of immunoglobulin A, a protein found in saliva and tears that helps your body fight colds and flus. Women who masturbate also have a higher count of T-cells, a type of virus butt-buster white blood cell. These cells help thicken the uterus after ovulation to create a more neighborly environment for pregnancy. Without this specific type of white blood cell, the immune system would instead attack swimming sperm and a growing embryo. But even if you’re not trying for a baby, orgasming spurs the production of white blood cells: keeping you out of the doctor’s office.

A man’s constant need to clean out the tubes could be an evolutionary strategy for the disposing of old sperm to make space for new, fitter sperm. The shelf life of sperm is only a few days, but men are able to create a colossal sum of three million sperm a day. The more often he ejaculates, the better the quality of his sperm. Australian researchers estimate that jerking off can significantly reduce sperm, showing DNA damage of up to 12%. Men who give themselves a hand at least 21 times a month also have a decreased risk of total prostate cancer. Harvard scientists also confirmed that masturbation is beneficial in a follow-up study, confirming that men who ejaculate more than four times a month are less like likely to develop prostate cancer.

Despite what you may have heard, there are no negative effects to masturbating. Other than some slight hand cramps during extended late night sessions, it won’t make you go blind or grow excess hair on your palms. It doesn’t cause your clitoris to lose sensitivity or erectile dysfunction. And while you may not have come out of the womb tickling your clitoris, the scientific proof has shown that self-pleasuring has significant benefits. We may never conclusively know if masturbation significantly fights cancer or rather just levels out your hormones and reduces stress, but either way—it always feels good.

Ava Answers: Survival Of The Fittest (Bush)

Ava Answers is new a column exploring the science of sex by Ava Mainieri, a PhD student studying women’s health at Harvard University. 

 

For those of us with vaginas, ripping, tearing and shaving our hair with pink Daisy razors has had a long history— the ancient Greeks found body hair so distasteful that artists molded their figures of women sans pubes. Trendsetter Queen Elizabeth I removed all the hair from her eyebrows to make her forehead appear larger, while Michelangelo and Manet both painted hairless vulvas. There was even a study in the 1890s that linked excessive body hair to female insanity. But according to evolutionary biologists, that curly mound that thrives beneath your underwear is probably there because it was once considered irresistibly sexy.

The main purpose of body hair on animals is to retain body heat. But around 3.3 million years ago, humans started running long distances across the savanna plains. Without central air conditioning or handy bottles of water, hair on our bodies just made us overheat. Therefore we biologically morphed from being covered in a head-to-toe carpet to a mosaic of hairy and less hairy parts.

You can’t exactly use your pubic hair to floss your teeth, but it is noticeably thicker than the hair on your legs. Estrogen, the main female sex hormone, morphs the hair follicles in that region into a large oval shape that causes the hair to grow thick and curly. This creates a nice barrier protecting your vagina from bacteria and dust floating around in the air. It also regulates moisture around your vulva which decreases the chances of yeast infection. But more importantly, biologist Robin Weiss believes that the thicker and coarser it grew millions of years ago, the more attractive you appeared because of all the foreign particles inadvertently trapped in your bush. Pubic hair acted as an attractant to grooming, a routine illustrating affection that usually leads to sex in primates.

Our great ape relatives created social bonds through long grooming sessions, picking bugs and dirt out of each other’s fur. Humans, too, habitually groom themselves and each other. Removing parasites is undeniably hygienic, but the associated rubbing in the genital area would have been pleasurable for both parties (personally, I can’t think of better foreplay). Grooming also releases endorphins, those awesome hormones that make us happy and lower our heart rates. It is not a stretch to assume that some fondling would have led to sex— obviously advantageous for the continuation of our species.

As such, pubic hair would have functioned as a sort of blinking sign indicating sexual maturity on our naked and frolicking cavewomen ancestors. Weiss postulates that when humans started walking around on two legs, the vulva became hidden from obvious view and pubic hair remained as the main indicator of completed puberty. The basics of pubic hair in both men and women suggest that it evolved as a sexy characteristic: it grows under the influence of reproductive hormones, becomes noticeable when you’re biologically able to have a baby, and acts as a visual ‘come-hither’ sign.

From the position of smell, our pubic area is full of apocrine glands, the organs that release the stank that makes us smelly seductive beasts. When your pubic hair lifts the sweat from your skin in order to keep your genital area dry and refreshed, it gathers bacteria. That musky smell comes from normal bacteria living on your skin mixing with the sweat. As long as you are someone who showers a few times a week, there is nothing dirty about body hair. Some scientists like Randy Thornhill even speculate that pheromones— the odorless molecules you release when you’re horny— get trapped in the short and curlies. Pheromones may act as a subconscious signal to potential mates that you’re ready to get it on.

Not only does having pubic hair increase your raw biological appeal, prevent germs from entering your vagina, and act as a cushion protecting thin genital skin during sex or exercise, but it could also save you a lot of money. A 2008 study concluded that an American woman who shaves will spend more than $10,000 over the course of her life removing unwanted body hair. Maybe we could take that beach vacation instead of fashioning our pubes to look like Barbie’s bits?

Before you schedule your next Brazilian bikini wax, remember that evolution wants you to be whoever you are, whether you shave, pluck, or let your carpet grow.