I donāt have an end game when dating.
I enjoy it and like meeting new people and learning different perspectives. Iām open to different dynamics and connections. Often times, however, I question what Iām looking for when I go on dates. I donāt see myself abiding to the institution of marriage. Similarly, I donāt have a desire to have children. Iāve found comfort in my independence. Iām financially stable with a full-time job. I masturbate regularly. I have a plethora of hobbies and an active social life that fill up my calendar. I have endless amounts of love and support from my family and friends. Thereās not much a romantic partner could give me that I already donāt have. So when the guy Iām dating asks me, āwhat are you looking for?ā
I often say, ānothing at all.ā
Kevin told me, āIām not looking for anything serious,ā after we hooked up the first night we met. It was nothing of real concern to me. I was seeing multiple guys at the time — fucking some, dating some, talking with some. All different dynamics, but all equally valuable to me. All deserving of my respect and kindness. It was comforting to know they were all humans looking for connection. Just like me. I gave each and every one of them my honesty. I made my intentions clear and was receptive to their thoughts and feelings. I genuinely cared about their health and happiness.Ā
One night after a few drinks and a night in my bed, Kevin admitted to liking me. I had to confess I was into him, too. We were always on the same wavelength, he made me laugh, and the sex was great. It felt easy and light-hearted. Our mutual emotions were an added benefit, but it was clear from the beginning that neither of us were looking for a serious romantic relationship.
When Kevin and I decided to only see each other, I thought it was out of convenience. Dating multiple people, while fun and insightful, was exhausting. I was tired of coordinating my schedule, spreading my attention, and constantly managing my sex health (condoms and clinic visits are expensive). I wasnāt opposed to investing my energy into one person. After all, I liked Kevin. I enjoyed his company and the way he touched me. That was enough for me.Ā
Our monogamy lasted less than two weeks. He drunk dialed me one night in distress, claiming he liked me but wasnāt āready for a relationship.ā
I was confused. I didnāt think we were in a ārelationship.ā I didnāt see him as my āboyfriend.ā I didnāt think about our future together. I just liked spending time with him. Here and now.
I told him this over and over again. For me, being monogamous only meant we were loyal to each other. Choosing to be exclusive was more an action of logistics rather than love. I had only known him for a couple of months and felt we were still trying to figure out what was between us. I cared about him. I wanted to hear about his day. I wanted to add ease and relief to his work week. I wanted to include him in my fun and loving friend group. Itās in my nature to give anyone I care about those things; it didnāt mean anything more than that. I had done this with a handful of other guys I was non-exclusively seeing. Being kind and nurturing automatically meant something real and serious to him.
Kevin is not the first guy to mistake my openness for romance. A majority of my dating life has been this way. When Iām into someone, I want to give them my affection and attention. And it comes effortlessly to me because I want them to be happy and appreciated. Iām not thinking long-term about what it means to give someone my intimacy because Iām not looking for a partner. But it is consistently misinterpreted that way.
As a heterosexual woman in our heternormative society, it is expected of me to want a long-term monogamous relationship. I donāt.Ā I like intimacy. I like connection. Iām willing to invest in people without the expectation of an outcome because I just enjoy spending time with them. And Iām accepting of the end when our time together reaches its limit. I recognize that peopleās paths divide most of the time. Thatās life.Ā
I donāt believe Iām an anomaly. As our culture becomes more socially aware and strives for gender equality, women are allowed to want more than a husband and a family in life. Our culture claims to welcome women to deprioritize motherhood and marriage, but thereās still a disconnect in our dating culture.
Women are allowed to want more than a husband and a family in life.
Stepping out of that gender expectation is confusing to the guys I date. Even when I tell them Iām not looking for a long-term serious relationship, they still assume my actions are leaning towards one. Iām left with frustration because expectations and assumptions are made about relationships before they organically form.Ā
In a way, I get it. As much as humans crave love, weāre more afraid of getting hurt than being open to others. Sometimes we want to categorize people to protect ourselves. These roles are so deeply embedded in our head. Weāre so used to these gender scripts that we hold them to be true. It takes work to unlearn and most people arenāt willing to take the time to do it.
But I wonāt minimize my heart to fit into the social norm. I wonāt make myself smaller to get people to understand me. Caring is the foundation in all of my connections. It makes me vulnerable and takes energy, but itās worth it because it leads me to authentic and genuine people.
I wonāt reserve that for monogamous relationships.Ā
Photos (in order of appearance) by Nikki Burnett, Dariana Portes, and Alyse Mazyck.Ā