Destigmatizing Polyamory with Stevie Boebi

Stevie Boebi is a queer Youtube personality who gained popularity through her candidness regarding sex, identity, and sexuality. Recently, Stevie has come out as polyamorous, which is a term that typically raises eyebrows. It’s often conflated with polygamy — the practice of having more than one husband or wife — and is usually accompanied by assumptions of religious oppression, etc. This jaded take couldn’t be further from the truth.

In order to debunk some myths and stereotypes surrounding polyamory, Stevie agreed to sit for an interview to shed some light on her lifestyle and identity. The following is an edited transcript of our conversation.

I’m just gonna jump right into it. How did you even know you were poly?

Stevie: Even though most of my relationships since I was like nineteen have not been monogamous, I didn’t personally identify as poly until about a year ago. It’s not necessarily that you are in multiple relationships at one time. It just means you have the capacity to love more than one person at a time. And [after reading more about polyamory] I knew for sure that I had/have that capacity.

Now the fact that I’m poly doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t want an exclusive relationship or that [my partnerships] need to look one certain way. I think relationship dynamics are so diverse, just like anything else.

I started identifying as polyamorous about a year ago because — the reason I do anything — I was mad. *laughs* I broke up with an ex because I had a crush on someone else and thought that meant that I wasn’t in love with her anymore. [And I hadn’t actually fallen out of love with her] so it can ruin people’s lives to have that damaging view that to have a crush on someone else inherently means that you don’t love your [current] partner — because it’s just not true.

A year is really recent, there’s a lot to discover in that time frame. Have you figured out a way to navigate having multiple partners?

I [previously] identified as “monogamish.” I’m attracted to the skills and the values and the outlook that polyamorous people have. So I tend to date polyamorous people that have or desire multiple relationships. For me, it was more like my polyamory inspired me to learn how to talk about [these desires] and how to teach people. That’s kind of the awakening that I’ve had this year.

People who identify as poly can have as many partners as they want, have you thought about how many people would be too much for you?

So [for] having too many partners the term is poly-saturated. Sometimes polyamorous people have to be like, ‘I’m at my full level of partners. I don’t have emotional energy for this shit.’ But I don’t really notice most polyamorous people having a shit ton of partners. It’s usually like one to three partners, as far as [poly] people I know. Whatever works for you and whatever makes you happy.

There are also people called solo poly, who don’t want a companion partner. Some people also call this primary partners — people you would have a house with, or someone you would get married to or have dogs or babies or whatever with — solo poly people want to live on their own have their own house. They want partners but they don’t want a companionship type of relationship. Most solo poly people that I’ve talked to or heard from tend to have a little more partners number-wise than poly people that want companion partners.

How do you feel about current poly representation?

I feel bad about it. *laughs* But at the same time all of my identities are underrepresented. So it’s like, yeah would I love to see a queer poly love story, but it’s more important to have queer people of color represented, and it’s more important to have people that are obviously disabled being represented in love stories, too.

I [shouldn’t] say one is more important than the other, but I just think there is a lot of bad representation and inaccurate and unhealthy portrayals of polyamory, so I would love to see that combated. But you know… there is a lot of unhealthy shit in every love story because it creates drama.

Yeah, the only poly anything I’ve ever seen is that show on HBO — or was it Showtime…?

Was it the one that was like “Look at these weirdos who have children with multiple partners” — is that what it was?

I don’t remember the name of it [editor’s note: it was Polyamory on Showtime]. But I just remember watching it and thinking to myself, this is all about sex… you aren’t telling us anything revolutionary or truthful about polyamory.

So I think teaching the difference between swingers and polyamorous people is really important, because most polyamorous people do not go to swinger parties. I mean, maybe they do. But those two communities are different from each other. Polyamory is about love. It’s not about sex.

The question of jealousy comes up when you’re talking about polyamory. How do you navigate jealousy whether it’s coming from a partner or vice versa?

If jealousy affects you, it affects you — it doesn’t matter if you’re dating a poly person or a monogamous person. Jealously is something that, if you struggle with it, you’re going to struggle with it. It’s an emotion that belongs to you and not necessarily your partner. Polyamory isn’t about settling for being neglected [or] getting everything you want out of a partner. If you have three partners and [each of them is] not getting what they want from you — that’s not successful polyamory, you know what I mean?

But your partner can’t help you with your jealousy, that’s something that has to come from within you.

That’s a journey you have to take regardless of if you’re in a monogamous or poly relationship. Do you think monogamy is innate or do you think it’s socialized?

That is a huge question and I’m not an expert. I have no idea. But the way that we view monogamy now is a relatively new idea outside of religious circles so it’s like, is it [innate]?

But I know people who have told me how they feel about love, and when they are in love they are completely blind to anyone else. They can’t have crushes on anyone. I know couples where one of them is poly and the other is monogamous and so [while] it would be completely fine for them to have other partners, they are just like, “I’m literally not interested. I’m physically and mentally emotionally incapable of this thing and I’m completely fine with it.”

So yeah, I think that if you’re monogamous, you’re monogamous. And if you’re not, you’re not. Neither of those parties should ever feel guilty for having the capacity to love more than one person or having only the capacity to love one person.

[Earlier in the interview, Stevie referred to herself as being disabled] I just want to give you the floor to inform and share with us what you’ve been going through.

So I have a genetic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and it is genetic. I was born with it, and it just means that my DNA doesn’t know how to make collagen right. It has the wrong recipe to make collagen and collagen affects everything in my whole body. There are unofficially twenty types of EDS, I have type 3 which is also called hyper-mobility type. So people with EDS have such varying symptoms and conditions, nobody really looks exactly the same as far as what they’re symptoms are.

This just means that I’m hyper-flexible and it hurts *laughs* and parts of my body just don’t wanna work a lot of the time.

So a lot of joint issues right?

Yeah, all of your tendons and ligaments have collagen in them, so I can be like a contortionist if I want to.

Is this like when you would see kids in school and they would be double-jointed?

There’s something called HSD [hyper-mobile spectrum disorder] and then there’s EDS, which is genetic. To be diagnosed with either one of those, you have to meet a bunch of different diagnostic criteria, and being hyper-mobile isn’t the only criteria. You basically do all of these weird contortionist things with your body, and for each one that you can do, you get a point. So kids that can twist their elbow around, you know, they might only have a certain amount of points out of nine — I have all nine.

That’s intense.

My type of EDS is the only one that doesn’t have a genetic marker yet. They just updated the diagnostic criteria, and they are hoping to study everybody’s DNA that actually fits the new criteria. It’s considered a rare disorder, so I have to teach my doctors that even though I may look fine — I’m not.

How did you come to the conclusion you has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome?

For most people that have EDS, it takes something bad happening to even know that they have it. People with EDS have a wild range of different things that can happen. Some people have heart problems, some people have digestive problems, some people just start fainting all of the time — that was me.

I just got diagnosed in October, but I think what happened was my adrenal glands got really fatigued and just like gave up because my body was just going on adrenaline. I was sleeping twenty hours a day, I lost 40 pounds and I would pass out anytime I would stand up. I was really ill and doctors kept telling me I was depressed and to go home because I didn’t have insurance. I couldn’t work, I was like living in poverty. [Doctors] would be like “Oh, it’s her again, send her home” type of thing.

It would get worse and then it would get better, and then it would get worse and I was like, what the hell is this? It’s been about 8 years since first getting really sick. Now, thankfully, I know what it is and the more I learn about it, the more it explains everything.

Obviously it’s not like, “Yay, I have a disability!” but now it has a name. It feels so good to be like that’s my blood vessels not constricting, you know? Just having a reason for why things happen — that calms me. I think a lot of people are sick and misdiagnosed with things like fibromyalgia, even people that have ME [myalgic encephalomyelitis] or chronic fatigue syndrome — they’re misdiagnosed with all kinds of shit . Particularly women of color or people that have any kind of mental illness. They just aren’t taken seriously by doctors and it’s fucked up. I’m real angry about it.

How would you say your disability has affected your sex life?

Obviously, in a lot of ways because it affects literally every single thing that I do. My disability is degenerative, so it will get worse over time and my pain will get worse over time. I have developed coping mechanisms to help me deal with that, and I’m still trying to diagnose and figure out what’s going on.

I thought I had anxiety for a real long time, but I don’t really. I have something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome [PoTS, a blood volume condition that causes lightheadedness, fainting, and rapid heartbeat when one stands after sitting or laying down]. I was getting too anxious during sexual encounters and I was like, “It’s because I have anxiety” when really it’s because I’ve been standing up for too long. Like sit the fuck down, be a bottom — you are fine.

Back to polyamory. What would you say to young poly people who are questioning [themselves] or are curious?

The biggest thing that blew my mind, and blows everyone else mind when I tell them, is that being polyamorous is not that you are demanding to have multiple partners — it’s that you have the capacity to love more than one person. No one deserves to be made to feel bad about how they feel.

To learn more about polyamory, you can visit here. To learn more about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, click here or talk to a medical professional.

You can follow Stevie Boebi on Youtube and Instagram.

Photos (in order of appearance) by Sarah Snow, Jairo Granados, and Kate Phillips.

Social Media Made Me Grow Up Too Quick

In 2012, I stepped foot into the dark, uncharted underworld of Tumblr.com — or what I like to call the black market of social media.

Fresh-faced, 13-year-old me had effortlessly bypassed Tumblr’s Terms & Conditions webpage, and (unbeknownst to me at the time) plunged head-first into content that A) a 13-year-old should be barred from seeing, and B) should probably be tipped off to authorities.

I hadn’t yet received the euphemistic “the-stork-delivers-the-baby” analogy from my parents at the time, but after only a few months on Tumblr, I had become knowledgeable on the consensual agreements required prior to establishing an ethically sound Dominant and Submissive BDSM relationship — talk about kids growing up too fast, eh? (Don’t worry I will, that’s what this essay is about.)

Now, don’t get it twisted HATERS, this is not me kink-shaming. This is me considering the possibility that maybe, just maybe there are some things that a prepubescent child should not be subjected to. Especially given that our teens are formative years, where we’re at the peak of our naiveté. This period of time in our lives is supposed to set the foundation for the way we perceive the world around us, so it’s safe to say that I got a very… questionable head start.

What ensued after Tumblr’s unwarranted sexual awakening was a spark of curiosity that quickly tumbled over into extensive research on the different paraphilias and “means” of reproduction. I dipped my toes into the quicksand of adulthood and ended up getting my leg swallowed whole.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have immersed myself in the theoretical aspects of looooove makin’ that soon, but there was no way I was going to be able to suppress that curiosity when everything I wanted to know was a few keyboard taps (and “Yes, I am 18” buttons) away. No one could’ve anticipated I would be onto such things so prematurely, and they were never going to find out either — incognito mode is a hell of a drug.

After the realization that I inadvertently stole my own childhood, I went fishing for some more repressed coming-of-age memories exclusively for this blog post.

(Ugh, my bravery. Unparalleled.)

An instance that has reluctantly come to mind is how drastically (and inappropriately) my priorities on Facebook changed. I started off very innocently; my sole reason for signing up being to access their selection of games. A few years later, I — still a 13-year-old — was aboard the insidious (mega)trend of using social media as and for self-promotion and validation.

Naturally, sexually charged portraits yielded the most engagement. Women whose photos flaunted sex appeal were showered with compliments, while those who preferred to share pictures of them sniffing petunias in botanical gardens were in a slight attention drought.

Noticing this pattern as a teen, under no friggin’ circumstance was I willing to be part of the losing team — I had standards for myself, you see. I wanted to bathe in corrosive levels of superficial confidence. I longed to surf waves of abundant digital admiration; buoyed by a king carrier of likes and comments. This need of mine, however, meant I’d have to stop photographing myself vacuuming petals with my nostrils, and instead try emulating grown women’s alluring photographic presence.

All I needed was a confidence boost to propel me to internet success.

That boost came when I did a complete 180 and switched up my unibrow for two distinguishable entities. I felt unstoppable after uncovering the sheer force of tweezers, and was ready to conquer the interwebs. So I marched straight to my mother’s vanity drawer.

Digging through stacks of make-up and piles of face creams, I cherry-picked a concealer that was precisely what I was looking for: thick, pore-suffocating, and the wrong shade. I put that to the side, and continued digging for some more goodies that would age me beyond my years, namely a black eyeliner and red lipstick — which I did not have the skills to apply.

After slapping on my concealer, dragging the eyeliner across my lash line (creating sparks of friction), and carefully tracing my fun-sized lips with my (mom’s) red weapon of seduction, I glanced over at the mirror for the final reveal. The chorus to Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girl” began echoing in my mind. That’s when I knew I was ready to show PhotoBooth what I was made of.

The outcome? See for yourself.

macbookselfie

I loved this picture — I was in absolute awe at the beauty bestowed upon me. I thought I exuded an air of sensuality and sophistication that not many my age were able to muster and imitate.

My dry puckered lips? Sexy.

The vixen-like squint into my Macbook’s camera? Irresistible.

The close-up, in-your-face shot of my tender facial features? Unprece-fucking-dented.

This was it. This was my peak. And I posted it online for all my Facebook friends to see, admire, and aspire to. All that arduous manual labour for what, you may ask? Fourteen hard-earned likes. Just enough to trigger a dopamine high, but not enough to have me feeling secure for longer than two days.

The next image I was going to reveal online had to top the previous post –how was I going to do it? How was I going to leech admiration from more than fourteen people? This was in no way shape or form a one-person mission. So I dragged my older sister into it. She ought to have been my stylist, creative director, and photographer.

balk

To take things yet another step further (in order to achieve that fifteen-like hallmark), I was to switch it up and give the public something they hadn’t seen before: a full body picture of me reclining against my balcony wall, romantically eyeing my backdrop’s granulated texture (see third photo).

I even captioned it with a mysterious, femme-fatale quote which read, “I’m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.” Truth be told, my vocabulary was too limited to allow for misinterpretations or double entendres. I figured such a quote would give this otherwise bland picture an edge.

The overwhelming positive feedback received on this picture (42 likes and THREE comments!) kick-started my obsession with maintaining an enticing online presence. From then onwards, I had to continuously outdo myself. Whether it was feeling the need to prove myself to others or wanting a little ego boost, posting online became a hobby that I am still trying to shake off today.

But it’s quite difficult.

The thing with social media is that it traps you when you’re young and susceptible. It grooms you, making itself an integral part of your daily life. Because well, you need it. All of your friends are on there! That one ex you’d occasionally lurk on — yet wouldn’t be caught dead messaging — is conveniently there at your viewing disposition. Acquaintances and temporary holiday friends you’d only passively check-in on are right there, too! The larger your online social circle, the more added value these platforms have to you; hence, the gradual establishment of long-term loyalty to said platform(s).

The collateral damages of social media consumption aren’t necessarily caused by a platform’s owners (although their ravenous money-hungry demeanor does not sit well with me!), but rather by how people make use of the platform, and for what reasons. Capitalism’s gruesome wrath has not only taken ahold of social media creators, but it’s extended its grip onto users as well. Now that this godawful era of “influencers” (and companies who are willing to entertain their supposed importance) has emerged, it’s even harder to discern a genuine portrayal of identity from a paid, inauthentic one.

Over the last few years, the cost of using social media has doubled, escalating from the initial issue of users being force-fed unrealistic beauty standards at a young age (as per my situation) to perpetuating that these beauty standards can only be reached through the purchase of products endorsed by (uninspiring, poisonous, often-times problematic) influencers.

Although there’s speculation on the the future of social media (e.g. having to pay for a premium social media experience, regulation, chatbots, VR integration), the long term effects of social media consumption are still unknown.

Will advertisers begin to groom even younger, more impressionable tweens into buying their products? Will we have to pay for privacy? Will platforms’ algorithms change to further promote business exposure rather than interpersonal relationships? Will social media usage eventually dwindle once newer research cements its detrimental psychological impact… or will it require government intervention once it hits unethical extremes?

What do you think? Post about it on Instagram and tag me!

All photos provided by Derya Yildirim.

Tips For Dealing With PMDD

Premenstrual dysmorphic disorder (PMDD) is a problem I’ve always had but only just became aware of.

Almost every person with ovaries experiences some form of PMS before their period — mood swings, acne, bloating, and fatigue — but PMDD is PMS in overdrive. The symptoms are so severe that some doctors even recommend taking SSRIs two weeks before your period starts.

What is PMDD?

It is essentially much severe PMS symptoms. The disorder affects up to an estimated 5% of people who get their periods. Hormonal and serotonin shifts during a period are normal, but doctors are not sure what precisely causes the difference in severity for some people with vaginas than others. During the menstruation cycle, PMDD symptoms include fatigue, depression, anxiety, mood swings, binge eating, and more.

Due to lack of widespread recognition of PMDD (you won’t learn about it in most high school or college courses), I originally believed I felt depressed two weeks out of every month because it was a normal part of the ups and downs of life. Yet recently, I began to recognize that these feelings and symptoms reoccured in a pattern…

Symptoms would begin one to two weeks before I started my period, when I would start to notice changes in my mood. Normally I’d consider myself an optimistic person, however, when PMDD symptoms set in, I am overwhelmingly depressed. It is completely chemical — there is no particular situation that is making me sad or angry, I just am. It feels like I live under a blanket of anxiety and depression that can’t be lifted .The fatigue I experience cannot be fixed with large amounts of caffeine, I feel completely lifeless.

The problem with being chemically imbalanced during this time is that the hormonal disruptions set the soil for bad thoughts to grow. These negative thoughts only attract more of the same, and soon enough I’m so buried in them it feels like I’ll never come out of it.

These symptoms have caused problems with personal relationships because I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I avoid social functions because I have no desire to be around people because I’m afraid I will drain their energy and ruin the mood. When I experience these hormonal shifts, it feels like my identity is completely gone and I assume a different personality. My entire perspective changes and things that I usually find exciting and stimulating suddenly seem dull. The usual things I feel confident about on a daily basis somehow turn into insecurities. Put simply, I don’t feel like myself or anyone near it.

Two weeks out of every month is a lot of time to deal with something that can make you feel so low. I constantly have to remind myself that these symptoms will pass.

Luckily, there are ways to deal with PMDD. Many doctors recommend taking antidepressants on the days that women experience symptoms. Personally, I’ve opted for the natural route by engaging in physical activity. Exercising will boost serotonin, a necessary chemical needed to help decrease PMDD symptoms. This is the first month I have tried consistently walking/running on the treadmill for at least 20 minutes, a few times a week. I can honestly say this month’s symptoms are less severe than those I’ve experienced within the past 8 months. So far, exercising is helping, but I am optimistic that as more awareness is brought to the disorder, more tried and true methods to relieve PMDD symptoms will be brought to light. Had I only known about this disorder years ago, I would’ve been able to reassure myself that this is just chemical, that I’m not spiraling out of control for no reason.

Everyone is different, but I’ve compiled some holistic tips for coping with PMDD:

Stay away from caffeine.

Caffeine can heighten your anxiety symptoms.

Drink chamomile tea and other supplements.

PMDD can cause severe anxiety, and chamomile has been proven to naturally combat anxiousness. Omega 3 supplements can also help balance hormones.

Steer clear of processed foods.

A lot of processed food contains additional hormones that may further disrupt the body’s natural hormone secretion, so it’s best to be cautious of what you eat when you’re experiencing symptoms. Try and stick to foods with healthy fats (avocados, fish, nuts, etc.), and maybe even go as far as taking a tablespoon of coconut oil each morning — it offers additional hormone balance.

Try to exercise.

Beyond the regular benefits from habitual physical activity, it also boosts your body’s serotonin levels — which can be crucial in combating depression brought on by PMDD symptoms.

Be kind to yourself.

Know your symptoms are not your fault and understand that your mental health can and will recover. Further demonizing your body and its reactions may exacerbate symptoms. These feelings aren’t permanent, and life will get better.

For more information on Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, click here.

If you believe you may be suffering from PMDD, your first step is to speak with a medical professional.

Photos by Amanda Baker.