Birth Control Could Be Triggering Your Anxiety And Depression

This article is coming from my personal experience with the pill, and may differ from what others have experienced. I am writing this to help girls who might not understand what is going on with their bodies and to bring awareness to the side of birth control many of us do not know about.

In October of 2017, I decided to get on the pill. After years and years of excruciating cramps, taking sick days because I was too nauseous to get out of bed, and having two week-long periods a month, I was starting to become sick of dealing with Mother Nature.

I was definitely skeptical of getting on the pill because of what I had heard about it. Rumors such as, “it’ll make getting pregnant harder”, “you’ll get cervical cancer”, “it makes you gain weight”, and “it breaks you out” stirred through my mind when I talked to my doctor about the possibility. She debunked all of those rumors, and made me feel confident with getting on the pill. I love my doctor, and still do, but I wish she would have warned me about the possible negative effects of the birth control pill.

I started with an off-brand version of Junel. I was taking a low-dose Microgestin (a hormone medication combo that prevents pregnancy) pill daily, which seemed to have been doing fine for my weight and skin. I did not gain a single pound due to the pill and if anything, my skin cleared up.

A month after getting on the pill, I had my first panic attack. When I had this panic attack, I was confused, sad, and worried about myself. I wondered why I had this overwhelming flood of emotion all-the-sudden. I didn’t know why I felt like I was about to cry, or why my stomach was in knots. I thought it was because of the awkward situation I was in at the moment, but I knew my body never reacted that way — no matter what situation I was in. I understood my body, and I knew this was not me. I got up, walked into another room, and made someone hold me until I stopped panicking. On that day, I self-diagnosed myself with anxiety.

The panic attacks continued, and on top of that, my birth control pill was not regulating my periods whatsoever. I was continuing to have two periods a month, along with some breakthrough bleeding. Breakthrough bleeding is when you occasionally spot even while taking the pill. It is not alarming, usually (you should still talk to your doctor!), but it is definitely a pain when it comes out-of-the-blue.

Because of my breakthrough bleeding that went on for a few months, I had to raise my dosage to Microgestin 1.5/30. As soon as I got on the high-dosage pill, my panic attacks increased, my anxiety became a daily struggle, and suddenly I was feeling extremely depressed. I was confused and didn’t know why I was so unhappy when everything in my life seemed so perfect. I had wonderful friends, a new and perfect relationship, a roof over my head, and so on.

Months went on of waking up anxious, not being able to work because I always felt as if I was going to start crying, and laying in bed turned away from the person next to me because I did not have the energy or emotional stability to have a normal conversation. I convinced myself that it was me; that I was worthless and had a long list of reasons to feel this way. I convinced myself that maybe my life did suck, maybe my mental health was just really poor. It wasn’t until I, on my own, decided to look into the pill and its side effects that I realized this might be the issue.

My doctor drew blood and took tests to figure out why I had been feeling so anxious all the time. She also downloaded the “Headspace” app onto my phone (not an ad, just love the app), and told me to start meditating. She was convinced it was my thyroid, but when my results came back normal, we were both left even more confused. She recommended that I see a psychiatrist, and did not even think to ask about my birth control pill.

Holtorf Medical Group did an article about the link between depression, anxiety, and thyroid, stating, “hyperthyroidism – an overactive thyroid – can cause revved up symptoms like high heart rate, high blood pressure, palpitations, anxiety, insomnia, tremors, diarrhea, lack of menstrual periods, loss of appetite, and weight loss.” It might be worth it to research this link and talk to your doctor about your thyroid if you’re concerned about any recent changes with your mental health.

My doctor gave me an ultimatum. She said either I get off the pill, or she puts me on the anti-anxiety medication, Zoloft. I told her I would get off the pill and send her updates. After one week off the pill, I was a brand new person.

My friends, family. and especially my significant other, noticed an enormous difference in my mood, my face, and my well-being. I was immediately happier, and the disturbing thoughts and constant anxiety went away in a what felt like a heartbeat. I truly never thought I would have seen the day that I would be happy.

Of course, I still have the occasional panic attack due to other reasons that have built up throughout the two years I was on the pill, but I have not experienced an extreme panic attack or had feelings of depression since being off. I feel absolutely, completely, brand new. It’s worrisome that my doctor did not suggest this earlier, but it is refreshing to know that I did not give up on myself.

If your pill works for you, stay with it and keep up the good work! But for many of us, oral birth control is the pill from hell. It’s crucial to also do our own research, as well as communicate with our doctors before putting something new into our bodies.

First photo via Lady Clever, and the following by Lucy Welsh and Dina Veloric.

How To Know If You’re Ready For A Threesome

It all started with a lesbian sex dream.

Everyone had already told my superstitious ass a million times before that a dream didn’t have to mean anything. However, with my more conservative upbringing and subsequent on-and-off bi curiosity, this dream held more weight and it scared me. No matter how often I tried to convince myself that the dream didn’t mean anything, a whirlwind of “what ifs” followed suit and spiked my anxiety.

Sexuality had already been a somewhat off-limits topic in my upbringing. It wasn’t strictly discouraged, but it was tip-toed around, which made it too awkward for me to ask questions or gain reassurance (thank goodness for the internet!). Sexual orientation, however, was an actively shunned topic. I remember my older cousin coming up behind me when I was younger while I was watching one of my favorite YouTubers — who happened to be a black, gay man. My cousin recoiled at his mannerisms and asked me why I would be watching someone like that.

There was another instance at my late grandma’s house. My family and I watching a sports show on TV and one of the athletes celebrated a major win by kissing his boyfriend, which was met with gasps from the room. “Why do they need to do all that on TV?” I learned early on that parts of my family were wary of queerness.

Additionally, my family and friends saw me as the “innocent child.” They assumed I wouldn’t have the slightest interest in sex and would always be too shy to approach a crush. It was easy for me to do or say things that were “out of character” for me, as not much was expected of me to begin with. When I’d act “out of character,” I was met with gasps, stunned faces and questions of what had gotten into me. I then learned that acting out of sync with others’ expectations, even if it was more authentic to me, was too shocking and shameful.

I was stepping outside of both boundaries with this dream, and I had no idea what I was going to do about it.

The day following the dream, I was with my boyfriend at his parents’ house. I had been trying to act as normal as possible since the scissor-fest happened in my head, but I felt as stiff as a board. Behind my forced laughs and smiles, I kept feeling twinges of shame as the dream continued to infiltrate my present. The anxiety continued to build until I felt I couldn’t cope on my own anymore. I had to tell my boyfriend what was going on. During some downtime, when it wouldn’t seem suspicious for him and me to be alone, I had my boyfriend follow me to one of the bedrooms. When I had him alone, I confessed that I was worried that I could be bisexual because of the dream.

Not surprisingly, he didn’t outright understand why I would be worried about that possibility. He reassured me that a dream didn’t have to equate to anything in my waking life, and that, even if it did, there would be no problem with potentially being bisexual. He gently reminded me that I had my own life to live, that my extended family didn’t need to know every detail about it, and that it wouldn’t matter if they did. My boyfriend gave me the space that I needed to talk about my concerns and calmed them all in one swoop. However, there was one issue that hadn’t been addressed: the fact that I had no sexual experiences with a woman to confirm or deny that I was bisexual. I was already about neck-deep in bi-curiosity, so I figured that I needed to brainstorm a way to finally resolve this.

That’s when the idea hit me: a threesome with another woman!

I pitched the idea to my boyfriend almost as soon as it hit me. In that moment, it seemed like the experience could be a fun, edgy and freeing thing for a young person to do, and that’s about as far as it went. I didn’t initially feel any shame or apprehensiveness in asking about a threesome with my boyfriend since he’s open-minded, anyway. His first reaction was a bit of shock — his innocent, awkward girlfriend was asking for a threesome?! — but it smoothly transitioned into a boner at the thought of it.

Still, my boyfriend was apprehensive. He kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to delve into that territory. He knew I hadn’t come close to experiencing anything like that before; however, he’d already experienced a few threesomes in his time. This difference in experience made me have a temporary mental hiccup. I thought to myself, if we had a threesome, everyone else but me would feel more comfortable doing it! What an unfair advantage! Plus, I felt I had a bit of competition. His ex had allowed him that sexual freedom, and there was a part of me that wanted to be the best. I pushed those thoughts aside, however, and assumed that with time, I would become more comfortable with the idea of being involved with two people.

Ultimately, my boyfriend and I were excited! We were planning to be sexually adventurous together, and it gave us something else to look forward to. We were to keep it low-key for a while, not going out of our way to pursue anyone, but started exploring our options.

Looking through our phones for threesome apps, I felt the kind of rush of adrenaline that a teenager would feel when sneaking out of the house at night. It was like being a kid in a candy store! There was 3Fun, 3rder, Feeld, FetLife (I never thought I’d find myself there!), and many more — all revolving around the threesome community. While anonymously scrolling through online forums for more information on how to find a “unicorn” (a term used to refer to a single woman who’s down to fuck a couple), I found out that even common dating apps, like OkCupid and Tinder, could be used to find a willing participant, as long as what you’re looking for is indicated in your bio.

Swiping through potential participants on the apps, I was amazed to discover that couples looking for a unicorn wasn’t out of the ordinary at all. Quite the contrary, a lot of the profiles I swiped through were either couples “looking for someone to play with” or singles who “weren’t looking to be someone’s unicorn, for the love of God.” For the people who fell in between, I tried to do my best to choose women who I felt my boyfriend and I would find attractive.

Part of me felt that swiping through “the most attractive potentials” was a bit de-moralizing, but I had to accept that it was a part of the gig. Keep swiping until someone’s interested. Except there was another roadblock that I ran into: I was looking for women for my boyfriend, but wasn’t explicitly sexually interested in anyone myself.

Things were running slow on the dating apps, anyway (the least active being Tinder; the most active being FetLife), so I didn’t need to immediately worry about my sexual interest in women yet. However, while things were running slowly, I had more time to think about the situation at hand. If I was mainly looking for women for my boyfriend, wouldn’t the threesome be catering to him and not all of us? How could I be involved if I wasn’t sure I was sexually attracted to women? Most importantly, how would I feel at the sight of my boyfriend getting it on with another woman right in front of me?

My stomach dropped at the last question. I hadn’t considered that; envisioning my boyfriend with another woman, even if I was present, made my skin crawl. I still considered myself a sexual novice at the time, and sex was something very intimate to me, whereas, for my more experienced boyfriend, it was just a fun thing to do. There was room for miscommunication regarding what the threesome would really mean for us.

No.

I couldn’t allow myself to doubt this decision. I told myself, “Maybe I’m just nervous. With time, I’ll feel more confident about this. I just need to give it more time!” Whenever my boyfriend and I would talk about it, I could see how eager he was about the idea. I couldn’t let him down. We were both neck-deep in my bi-curiosity now. Now that someone else was involved, I realized that I may have jumped the gun a bit on my decision.

So, I kept looking. I kept looking for the reassurance that I was doing the right thing for both of us, and that a threesome would strengthen our relationship. “This’ll be fun, right? This was a good decision, right?” I asked anyone who would listen. The responses ranged from “Go for it!” to “You probably need to slow down on this.” Those responses didn’t help narrow down the pros and cons or ease my discomfort. So, I asked my boyfriend for all the reassurance I could, “There’s not a chance you’ll fall for the girl we invite for a threesome, right?”

He’d tell me time and time again that it was highly unlikely, as he knew how to separate love from sex. His reassurances only held me for a few hours, and then I was worried again. Nonetheless, I was still wary of my own doubt. Maybe it could still be a fun choice if I give myself more time to get acquainted with the idea? Plus, how would I have an edge over my boyfriend’s ex if I didn’t go through with this? I wouldn’t be the fun girlfriend if I didn’t do this. I was probably still just nervous.

I was now comparing myself to the beautiful girls I was swiping through. I would cry at the thought of my boyfriend falling for them through sexual bonding. I would express concern to my boyfriend on a more regular basis now. “Do you want to opt out?” he would ask me. No, no, it was probably something I could work through with time.

When I was alone one day, I reflected on the decision to have a threesome. I realized that it had turned into something it wasn’t supposed to. A threesome is something that should be an enjoyable experience for all parties involved and should cater to the wants and needs of everyone equally. However, now it was just something my boyfriend wanted. I still had a tiny ounce of curiosity in me that kept me pressing forward, but I more so felt pressured because I knew my boyfriend would benefit from the experience. I wanted so badly to be a “one in a million girlfriend” who was open to those sorts of experiences. I wanted to be set myself apart from the other girls my boyfriend had been with.

Then I realized that being nervous wasn’t what was holding me back — with any new experience, nervousness is normal, but it wouldn’t pose as serious a hindrance as I felt. What I was experiencing was uncertainty, and I hadn’t wanted to admit that to anyone, not even myself.

* * *

Threesomes can be amazing experiences for many couples/singles and play out without tarnishing relationships. They can be a healthy part of sexual exploration if everyone is consenting and conscious of STI protection. However, one of the main components that can either make or break the experience is adhering to boundaries. I had to realize that I was stretching my own boundaries to fit someone else’s, and if my boyfriend and I weren’t on the same page, having a threesome would ultimately hurt my relationship more than it would help it. Ultimately, I changed my mind.

I sat my boyfriend down again and told him that I would have to opt out of the decision to participate in a threesome. He respectfully accepted my decision, albeit with a little bit of disappointment. We were able to move on, and while it took me awhile, I ended up being proud that I spoke up before it was too late.

In sharing my experience of planning a threesome, I don’t want to scare anyone away from the idea. However, I wish to emphasize the importance of considering how a threesome would benefit you before bringing it up with a partner. This will guarantee that your sexual wants and needs aren’t being overridden by someone else’s. Take into consideration how you would feel seeing your partner being intimate with someone else. If it does anything else but turn you on, think longer about the decision. Make sure to always communicate any concerns or changes of heart with your partner.

Most importantly, know your boundaries and be comfortable with them. Never feel pressured to concede them for someone else.

All visuals by Aleisha Marinkovich.

You Can Look, But Not Touch

Everyone has a phone. Everyone takes selfies.

A study conducted by software firm McAfee found that 49 percent of people send/receive sexual content via video, photo, e-mail, or messaging — 16 percent of whom share it with total strangers.

As our society begins to come to terms with the inevitability that explicit photos and videos will be recorded and make their way across the internet, a group of millennials have begun to capitalize on our fixation with the naughty.

You can find Mistress Milan on a screen of your choosing, where the 22-year-old will perform a variety of acts in front of a camera — but only for the right price. However, Milan is not a porn star, at least not in the traditional sense. She is featured in videos (titles range from “Tempted By My Tits” to “Some Words To My Foot Bitch!”), but she ultimately controls how, when, and what exactly she is doing in them.

Operating primarily via Twitter, she posts sexy snippets of herself online to lure potential clients into booking Skype sessions wherein she will verbally degrade and humiliate them from afar. As it turns out, this consensual, sexual cyber-bullying is quite lucrative.

I got the opportunity to interview Milan about her work as a financial dominatrix/humilantrix. The following is an edited transcript of our conversation.

How did you first get in to being a dominatrix?

Mistress Milan: I actually started sex work as a cam-girl when I turned 18, but I didn’t really like it because, to make money, you have to cater more to what the guys want and it’s not my style. I just wasn’t making that much money.

I’m not even sure how I found out about dominating, I think I saw it on social media? Somehow I came across somebody’s page and was like, I could be good at this.

Did you do any type of sex work before the camming?

No, I just did camming. I wasn’t really into the whole sex acts, more just online stuff. I still have yet to do in-person meets, but I’m looking to do that in the future, I just haven’t gotten there quite yet because I haven’t met the right person.

Can you walk us through what a normal online dominatrix session looks like for you?

I mainly get most of my clients from Twitter. My Twitter is my biggest following.

That’s awesome, what’s your Twitter if you don’t mind me asking?

It’s @Mistress_Milan. I just reach the 1K mark. Once you get there you get more credibility because right now [there are a lot of users] called insta-Doms because True Life did an episode on Financial Doms so there’s a bunch of people who have a Twitter [for this kind of work] but they’re not legit.

So once you reach the one “K” mark people are like, Oh, this person… they have a following. I can believe them, they’re real, not just a fake.

I post pictures, I send tweets out, and then people send me a DM asking, “Hey, how are you?” Then they’ll tell you, “I’m interested in this kind of fetish and I want to do a session like this,” and then I ask for payment and I do the payments depending on the times and how long the session is. I have people who come back and continue to have sessions with me. It’s pretty straightforward. People come to me.

Were there any challenges you had when you first began doing this?

It took me probably almost a year just to get to this point, because there’s a lot of girls who do it. There’s a lot of insta-Doms, so it was pretty hard to get my credibility up there — pretty tedious. You really have to commit your time, you have to be active on social media everyday otherwise [potential clients are] just gonna get forgot about [you].

Are you usually the one with your camera on or do [clients] also turn on their cameras for your sessions?

It depends. I charge more if I put my camera on. Sometimes they just want to be watched, sometimes they want to actually see me. It’s pretty 50/50.

Are there any boundaries that you set for yourself while you do this?

I don’t have any actual sex with any of my people. Like I haven’t met people yet. I try to stay away from the really outrageous fetishes… I’ve gotten really extreme [stuff] like scatting. Sometimes I’m like, “That’s probably not legal.” *laughs*

Are you — is the correct phrase”out” — to your friends and family?

Pretty much all my close friends know. My family doesn’t know, my parents are actually Republican and Catholic so I don’t plan on them anytime soon. It’s actually funny; I met with my friend earlier and he told me, “Your old coworker just showed your Twitter to everybody at work,” and I’m like, what?!

If you’re in this line of work you have the risk of always being exposed — but I’m fine with it. I make money, I’m happy, so that’s all that matters really.

How much do you often charge for a session?

Let’s say they want to do a twenty-five minute SPH [small penis humiliation] session, I’ll charge about 50 to 80 bucks. It depends, my rates are not set yet so I kind of do whatever I feel like.

That’s decent money!

I don’t like to do Skype [sessions] for anything below 35 bucks. Even if it’s like five minutes, I’ll still charge 35 because I still have to get on camera.

Are most of your clients men or women?

Men. I really don’t have any women contact me.

Have you ever experienced any animosity [from a client] when they’re time is up or they want you to do something you’re not comfortable with?

You get a lot of angry people. Let’s say a guy’s message is, “I want you to do this, this, and that.” And I’m like “No.” He’ll be like, “You’re a fake Dom.” He’ll just talk crap to you. You know how guys get when you reject them… happens all the time.

How many calls do you [take] a day on average? What’s a busy day?

Maybe like seven a day? But that’s only on weekends, because I still have two jobs — like vanilla jobs in my real life. So I only can do sessions certain times of the day.

What are your outside jobs?

I just work in hospitality.

You used to be a cam girl and you’ve mentioned before how you got into being a dominatrix because you got more autonomy in what you wanted to do on camera, right?

I like to hold control. I decide what I do, it’s all my decision.

What are some services you offer as a dominatrix?

I deal with a lot of humiliation sessions. Guys really like it when I’m mean and humiliate them. My whole brand is a young, bratty, Brazilian Dom. I humiliate men in different ways and then there’s ones [whose] whole fetish is sending money — that’s my favorite, obviously.

What are some of the things you would say to humiliate a guy?

A lot of times they want small penis humiliation. I don’t like doing race humiliation. I stay away from that because it’s not really my cup of tea.

Is that a market? Do men ask you to do that?

Oh, yeah. There’s like snow bunny — which is a white girl who’s into black men. Then there’s racial play… there’s definitely a huge market for it. But I don’t like to do it. There’s also religious humiliation, too.

Have you ever taken it too far on the humiliation scale and guys get upset? Have they ever been like, “That was a low blow!”

Sometimes, but then they’ll get over it. They’ll realize they actually enjoyed it.

Have guys ever tried to coerce you into meeting face-to-face?

Oh yeah, all the time. They’ll tell you they’ll pay more, but I just haven’t found the right person because I’m not just gonna meet somebody that I don’t know.

What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about being a dominatrix or humiliatrix?

That it’s easy. People think that you can just start doing it and you’ll make a lot of money — that’s not true. It took me, at least, a good six months to start bringing money in. It’s not easy, it takes time. It’s just like a job, you need to put hours in.

What’s something you really enjoy about this kind of work?

I like sex work because I think it’s really empowering. It’s not a regular 9-to-5. I choose how much I can make and the freedom… it’s unique. I’m really into kinks and fetishes and sex, so I get the best of both worlds.

Has your work ever affected any personal relationships in your life?

My boyfriend knows about it. He’s cool with it, obviously, because I bring in money. But sometimes he’ll get touchy, but right now it’s not affecting anything.

Have there ever been times where you’ve been made to feel uncomfortable or afraid while you were camming?

Sometimes I still get nervous right before I get on Skype. But, I get over the fear pretty easily because it’s just another session in the end. I’m still gonna make money and I’m gonna humiliate someone, so who’s really the winner? *laughs*

So “Mistress Milan”, is that a character you created?

Yeah, just a name [I came] up with.

Your camming and dominatrix persona, how is it alike and how does it differentiate from Milan IRL?

In real life, I’m actually a very sweet girl. I’m a total sub in real life, pretty much. I’m a Dom for work — that’s my persona.

What do you wear on your cams? Do people request you wear certain things?

Yeah, I have leather. I get requests for thigh-high black boots. Some guys request you wear leggings, some want you to wear jeans. It really just depends.

Have you heard about the current legislation FOSTA-SESTA?

Yeah.

Has that affected your work at all?

I feel, at first, traffic started to slow down. It’s a little bit better now, but I feel like [FOSTA-SESTA, anti-sex work legislation] has affected it, unfortunately.

Are you more nervous that you could be exposed or doxxed?

Not really, because I’m not doing anything that’s fully illegal.

I feel like you will only get in trouble if you’re actually having sex with clients, and I don’t. Cam sites are still provided, in the United States — it’s not illegal. So I’m not too worried about it.

Do you have any professional goal within your work? Is there a sort of state you wanna reach? You said you just hit a thousand, what’s the dream for Mistress Milan?

I want to be recognized in the industry — I think that’s awesome. Definitely my goal is to become a known Dom. I’m not gonna stop anytime soon.

You can follow Mistress Milan and her work on Twitter here.