What Happens When The Beauty Standard Is White

Whenever I go to the south of France in summertime, I find myself surrounded by thousands of beach-goers who bask in some long-awaited sunlight far from the city gloom. Sitting on their towels, I see swimsuited women accentuate their bronzed skin with tanning products that would never be as popular in Asia; “美白 (mei bai),” which directly translates to “beautiful white,” is a key phrase I have often heard in Chinese skin-care commercials. There, pearly skin is held to be glamorous, a sign of cultural refinement.

This paradigm has been deeply rooted in Chinese history. Since the Han Dynasty (206 BC-220 AD), one’s social class can been defined by the tone of their skin: the peasantry is known to work long hours in agricultural fields under the blazing sun, giving them a tan that distinguishes them from higher-class citizens.

Elevation of pale skin is widespread on the Asian continent for reasons that often link back to Western colonialism. In Japan, the arrival of Commodore Perry and his American ships in 1853 was succeeded by the Meiji Restoration in which Japanese men and women began imitating Western fashion and appearances. Similarly, Korea was introduced to Western beauty standards after opening its ports to foreign powers in 1876.

Nowadays, white skin is so desirable in China that many invest in skin whitening products, never forget to carry umbrellas on sunny days, and use Asian photo-editing apps that are automated to lighten their complexions. Representation of the wide range of pigmentations that exist is scarce for a country with a population of more than 1.3 billion and 56 ethnic groups. Most famous actors and singers in the nation have light skin tones, and that is no coincidence.

Clearly, some major aspects of Chinese culture send a strong and hostile message in terms of what skin tones are desirable, and even acceptable. While this is bad enough, these prejudiced standards have also seeped into China’s perceptions of other cultures and, in turn, encourage anti-blackness. A recent example of this is the eruption of the discriminatory reactions in China to the release of Black Panther — a movie that was celebrated on other continents for its almost all-black cast. One online reviewer called it “almost a torture for the eyes” for the “dark color of the movie.” Another reproached the movie for its “political correctness” and blamed the “group of black shadows fighting” for his urge to leave the movie theater early.

The “beautiful white” that is so desperately sought after by the Chinese quickly and dangerously translates to a resentment of other skin colors. And yet, this sentiment is often vastly overlooked — normalized even. An example of the normalization of this hatred could be observed when Chinese actors were put in blackface to appear African on a television skit, and the government brushed off accusations that this was problematic, even after facing widespread criticism.

My French-Congolese friend has been one to experience the blurred lines of cultural discrimination and curiosity in Shanghai; his hair is shamelessly touched on the subway, parents pull their children away from him, and he’s even been subjected to tense confrontations where he’s been told to “go back to his country.” As Asian territories are globalizing, it has become evident that skin preference isn’t an issue that limits itself to mere beauty standards; it is becoming a cultural hurdle. While this kind of clash may be initially uncomfortable for everyone involved, I do believe that progress can and must come from it.

Studies have shown that media representation of different ethnic groups is essential for these communities’ social presence as well as for the education of viewers about their lived experiences. It’s also noteworthy to remember that these representations, if derogatory (such as the aforementioned Chinese blackface), can seriously impact and subsequently skew audiences’ perceptions of other ethnicities.

Undoing beliefs that have been instilled for centuries is an obvious challenge, but it is significant to remember that our society has never been more exposed than it is now to a media that is challenging the parameters of beauty worldwide. In the case of China, a place currently considered a job hotspot for expats, I believe that the positive media representation and physical growth of different ethnic groups will allow for a substantial increase in representation. However, this alone is not enough. Ensuring that this representation is both empowering and ethical is the crucial next step in order to achieve a world with not only tolerance, but admiration for the countless skin tones that do, in fact, exist under the sun.

Photos (in order of appearance) by Takeshi Takagi, @Rosey-Ballerina, Ren Hang, and Fumi Nagasaka.

Men & Emotions: A 404 Error

Although I don’t have a lot of experience with being fully emotionally invested in a lot of men… I can say there’s a very prominent pattern that surfaces 80% of the time: they become a somewhat consistent presence in my life.

Whether it’s a lack of empathy, the inability to verbally respond to (mild) conflict without resorting to anger/ghosting, or a plain incapability in dealing with their own emotions — there’s often something that makes you take a step back and shake your head in disappointment when a man is present.

Now, before any rabid, foam-mouthed screecher aggressively types, “nOt AlL mEn,” through gritted teeth behind their screen, I am not talking about all men. But nonetheless, a CONCERNING AMOUNT of men I’ve encountered have displayed lower levels of emotional intelligence. So let us all, in unison, take a deep breath and prepare ourselves to digest the food for thought I’m about to feed you.

I’ll begin by saying that I assume partial responsibility for these recurring instances of mild heartbreak and helplessness. Perhaps it’s just the type of men I choose to pursue! If only I could find out which type of men tend to be more dysfunctional then maybe — just maybe — I can start avoiding this specific male subset like the plague! So, jolly and eager to investigate, the time has come to uncover the possible upstanding barrier(s??? yikes) between me and that seemingly impossible healthy courtship.

Why are the men I’m attracted to so emotionally handicapped?

A.) Do I subconsciously lust after those bad boy nuances?

This is an internal phenomenon one can only call self-sabotage. Every single pursuit I’ve had with men of this caliber has failed me, and yet I never seem to learn. My sadomasochistic desire to mutilate my own sanity remains unfaltering. It’s like I actively choose to blind myself whenever incompatibility looks me dead in the eyes; plastering my hands over my sockets whenever red flags attempt to present themselves.

For whatever reason, I strive to become the saving grace of these men. I daydream about posing heroically on top of a cliff while my starstruck and stunted lover praises me from below, screaming “SHE DID IT! SHE CHANGED ME! I’M A BETTER MAN!” at the top of his lungs. Why?

Do I view “damaged” men as an exciting, esteem-boosting opportunity to showcase my persuasive talents, achieving success when I manage to steer them away from bad behaviors and towards a more enlightened path?

Do I use them to fulfill some deeply repressed maternal need to nurture?

Is this just me trying to prove my “wifey” skills and pet-like “through thick and thin<3<3<3” selflessness, hoping my worth as a life partner will come to light?

Is this what I feel I have to do/be in order to be seen as “different” and “not like the other girls”?

Do I deliberately seek out these men because I lowkey feel I’m undeserving of anything proper that’ll yield a positive contribution to my life —

I digress.

I’ve tried to rewire my brain to veer away from these toxic cravings, but they are rooted in something beyond my conscious comprehension. The only thing I can do to alleviate the pain I’m putting myself through is to recognize the red flags and hope, for my own well-being, that I have the willpower required to say, “thanks : – ), but NO thanks : – (” to all the emotionally inept men who come my way.

My main problem with this is that self-restraint and internal “pros and cons” analysis have never been a practice of mine. So me saying, “Yes please” in response a devil’s spawn’s request to enter my life wouldn’t come as a surprise. Think of me as Eve and poisonous men as the apple… gobble gobble! That’s all I have say for myself.

B.) Is it just their young age?

It’s definitely part of it. But if I were to hypothetically gallop away from the smooth skin and towards the wrinklier flesh, would I be willing to spend the remainder of my youth snorting the scent of wine, swiveling it in my glass until I show symptoms of carpal tunnel — all for the adoration of a man who’s going through his fourth midlife crisis?

Maybe. I’ve really sold this scenario to myself — it’d be quite the experience. But I don’t think I can fake i(n)t(erest) for that long when the “making it” isn’t that fulfilling. I’m sure their life experiences would mean they’re more emotionally adept, but being around these silver-fox-esque activities just isn’t my cup of tea at the moment.

C.) Is it related to issues regarding men and hyper-masculinity?

Simply put — yes. It’s something that, for once, I don’t have to blame myself for. This socialization manifests itself in many ways: from some men genuinely being unable to describe/pinpoint what they’re feeling — which is clinically referred to as alexithymia — to difficulty expressing any emotion besides the “understandable” (and oftentimes encouraged) outbursts of Manly™, testosterone-fueled anger. These established gender norms affect crucial components of healthy interpersonal relationships, and I’ll tell you why.

The expectations placed on men to “toughen up” and “be a man” will inevitably result in the suppression of anything seen to reflect “vulnerability” (i.e. a traditionally “feminine” trait). However, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, only through honest communication and mutual transparency can a relationship grow. And that honesty and transparency requires vulnerability.

This ongoing problem is heavier and much more worrying than it first appears. If someone has difficulty understanding and interpreting their emotions, it often affects the way they will absorb, perceive, and process events throughout their life, including, for example, trauma. Asking someone with an underdeveloped emotional repertoire to process trauma (of any degree) will likely result in the adoption of unhealthy coping mechanisms, psychopathology, and possible projection onto others via — you guessed it! — anger and aggression.

Men have to unlearn the ideologies surrounding the acceptability of emotions based on gender, and then relearn how to process emotions in such a way that not only benefits them, but the people around them. This can’t all be done internally; there has to be some external societal change in how we raise and teach boys to express their emotions (not to mention how male peers react to each other’s emotional expression). Because let’s be real, certain masculine social standards are borderline inhumane. No one should have to endure a feeling of anxiety/inadequacy if they fail to fit into our culture’s macho ideal.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done. If the world did indeed revolve around me, I’d do us all a favor and enforce mandatory emotional development classes for men.

In conclusion…

As my condensed analysis draws to a close, I’ve realized the answer to why I continually fall for emotionally unintelligent men could be either A or B or C or all of the above. Or maybe this is one of those situations where everything’s intertwined to some extent and I’ll never be able to figure out the dynamics of it all. Nonetheless, I’ve gotten a lot of things off my chest writing this. All that’s left to do now is just: live… and hope that eventually, at some point — fingers crossed it’s in the next few years — the answer will come to me and I will be at peace.

Curiosity really does kill the cat(‘s psyche). Until then, I shall self-medicate by telling myself that nothing is as bad as it seems.

All photos by Ashley Armitage.

Tips For Allies Of LGBTQI+ People

If you’re straight and cisgender, the daily difficulties of being LGBTQI+ are likely pretty alien to you.

Difficulties that can range from feeling afraid to reveal your sexuality or gender identity at work, to being aggressively abused walking down the street with your partner. It can be hard to know how to react or respond when an LGBTQI+ loved one confides in you about these situations and experiences; instinctively you’ll empathize and want to help them feel better, maybe you’ll jump in and give them advice or voice your opinion on the problem. Maybe you accidentally don’t respond, for fear of saying something wrong or upsetting them more… It’s tough to know the right way to be supportive of someone whose experience is so different from your own.

I’m here to tell you there is no one right way; everyone’s experiences and relationships are totally different, and people appreciate support in all kinds of forms. But there are some fundamental things that people can do to support their LGBTQI+ loved ones and be better allies in general.

1. It sounds obvious, but listen.

This is the single most important thing you can do. No one person is the same so, let your friend or family member tell you how you can be supportive and what would be meaningful for them, personally. Try not to be defensive or get offended if they try to tell you that you’re not understanding where they’re coming from. Hear them and then adapt. It may be your natural reaction to give advice if they tell you about a certain situation, incident, or feeling, but try to refrain from automatically doing this unless it’s been directly asked for. Sometimes, it’s a little uncomfortable to receive advice from someone acting as a voice of authority on a topic they don’t actually have to experience. The struggles and joys of being LGBTQI+ are very specific.

2. Educate yourself.

Don’t rely on your friend or family member to be the source of all your learning when it comes to LGBTQI+ related topics. A lot of the time they may already be burdened by their own troubles and those of their community. Have to explain yourself and educate others is often extra emotional labor, and your loved one may not have energy for it.

Google is a brilliant thing — use it.

It would be such a loving gesture to educate yourself on certain issues, to learn the correct language, stay up to date with LGBTQI+ news, follow LGBTQI+ activists and icons, watch films, understand our history, read articles and essays. All these things would indicate that you’re putting in the effort to learn and support their community and identity. Tune in to the heteronormativity of our society and find, fund, and fuel the projects and work that is seeking to undo this. Everyone should be doing their part to create better, more equal representation. Immersing yourself in this learning will likely allow you to feel more comfortable as a listener for your friend when it comes to LGBTQI+ topics, as they’ll become less alien to you.

3. Speak up.

Don’t let homophobic, biphobic, transphobic or any offensive rhetoric go unchallenged. If you hear or see something abusive, even if there are no LGBTQI+ people around — advocate for our community and shut down derogatory and disrespectful attitudes that perpetuate violence and stigma and pain. Silence in these moments is an act of solidarity with the abuse. Confidently destroy the attitudes and misconceptions that make it dangerous for us to exist and difficult for us to feel at peace. This is how you can tangibly be supportive of the LGBTQI+ community: by using your voice to silence aggressors and defend our existence and identities.

4. Unpack your own biases and prejudices, even if it’s uncomfortable.

From a young age, we’re taught to internalize a huge range of wrong and confusing ideas about the body, gender, sexuality, and sex. Undoubtedly, these misconceptions settle somewhere in the back of our minds, influencing the way we think and act — even if it’s subconscious.

It is important that we all, including people in the LGBTQI+ community, delve into these ideas, in order to reform them into more real, honest and accurate understandings of identity expression. There’s no problem in initially having a misguided idea of, for example, what pansexuality ‘is’ — as long as the time is subsequently taken to dismantle and replace this prejudice with the truth. However, be sure you’re drawing from preexisting content and research. There is so much already out there, therefore, you don’t need to request explanation from individuals unless it’s directly offered to you – reference tip two.

5. Know your privileges.

If you recognize how the hierarchy of social systems makes existing as an LGBTQI+ person beautifully different, but also, harder and occasionally painful, then you then will recognize how your privilege affects your experience of the world. Never forget and always acknowledge your privileges, especially when trying to comfort a LGBTQI+ identifying friend.

6. With that being said, don’t ‘other’ us or view LGBTQI+ people as mythical or different.

While elements of our identities are indeed different from the majority of our very cis-heteronormative world, we are still human and most likely way more similar to you than we are different. Being LGBTQI+ is only one piece of the identity puzzle. And yes, we are protective of our community because we need a safe space to share. However, each of us — you too, reader — is made up of several different puzzle pieces. This leads us to the 7th tip…

7. Consider the intersectional nature of people’s identities.

The way in which our identities filter our experiences is so deeply layered and nuanced and complex. Everyone will go through and react to things so differently; no one person is the same. Within the LGBTQI+ community, there’s an infinite array of different identities. For example, a black, straight, transgender man living in a liberal and diverse city most likely has a very different experience than a non-binary, bisexual, Muslim person living in a small conservative town… the point is, no one has the same life story. It’s important to know that just because we may share a label, it doesn’t mean we are all exactly the same.

If you find yourself struggling to understand the intricacies of gender and sexual identity, Stonewall’s glossary is a really great place to start: https://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/glossary-terms

Photos (in order of appearance) by Brian Vu, Harley Weir, Lizzie Steimer, Petra Collins, Andreia + Nathalia Takeuchi, and Wong Kar Wai.