The first time I had sex with a girl was unplanned, clumsy, and awkward. We were mutual friends and one thing led to anotherā¦ sober hands grazing my breast, a kiss with tongue, sharp fingers and awkward body movements. Somehow we both managed to cum.
I realize now I have always been attracted to women, but had previously rationalized all crush-like feelings as a product of alcohol-induced intimacy; thinking I was kissing girls at parties to impress boys, it never occurred to me that I might actually be kissing girls because I wanted to.
Since then, Iāve had my fair share of sexual rendezvouses with women but Iāve never dated one. Only now at 23-years-old, am I sitting down to analyze… why?
Itās not as if Iām more attracted to boys than girls, but I grew up in Catholic household that only offered me one image of what a couple should look like. To be frank, dating men was what I knew and what wouldnāt upset the people around me, so I took the more comfortable route. For as long as I remember, I have been conditioned to know what a man wants: be polite, cross your legs, take up little space. Since middle school, Iāve known how to flirt. I can walk into a bar with the confidence that I can get a man to look at me or buy me a drink. Those feelings tend to dissipate in the presence of a woman. The uncertainty can be invigorating and exciting, but itās also nerve wracking as hell.
To ease myself into this unknown territory, I began hooking up with a couple. I was more interested in her, but he provided a level of familiarity that helped me explore my other inclinationsĀ more freely. I knew my way around the bedroom with a man, but figuring out how to please a woman? I felt like I was 15 all over again. Weād all fool around, but it became increasingly evident I just wanted to be with her. Before I could vocalize my desire, things got messy.
The couple broke up. She and I remained close, but kept it platonic and both started dating other men. A few months and women later we found ourselves in the same city again, so I asked her out. But with neither of us owning labels like ābiā yet, my flirtations wouldnāt always land. We had been interpreting romantic behavior with men for years, but when it came to the same sex, my advances would get lost in our friendship. This all came to head one night.
We went on what I thought was a date; Italian and expensive wineāhow much more obvious could I get? Everything seemed to be going well, until she had a guy she was hooking up with pick her up. I looked at her and I said, āIf I was a man, you wouldn’t have done that. You would have waited till you got home for whoever to come over.ā She said she thought we were just friends.
I didnāt know at what point we fell off the same page, but in hindsight I realize neither of us knew how to romantically communicate with the same sex. Soon after, she started dating that guy who had picked her up.
Fast forward to the end of summer, I met someone else. We started seeing each other, and while we werenāt exclusive, it was more than sex and definitely the most intimate Iāve ever been with a woman. Around the same time I met a boy who inconveniently appeared at a party she and I were attending. One drink lead to another and I ended up kissing him in front of her. I stopped myself and ultimately went home with her. But itās ironic how quick I was to repeat the trajectory that had hurt me just a few months prior. She headed back to college and I began dating that guy for two years.
The more I think about it, all the women Iāve been with have previously dated men. Iāve been led on by women only to have them choose a man over me, and Iāve been with women and chose a man over them. Is this preference merely personal, or at the end of the day, are we socialized to choose a side?
Iād like to think that every time Iāve chosen (or been passed over for) a man itās been because of the individualābut maybe there are bigger cultural forces at play. Heteronormativity is easier and perhaps on some level Iām scared to actively pursue a different lifestyle; scared of the unknown or of losing my level of comfort in a world that favors normative people.Ā Some mornings when I would wake up next to my boyfriend, I wondered what it would be like to wake up next to softer skin. When I touched his broad shoulders, I thought about the curves that felt distant. I hate how much more comfortable I felt spooning with him in comparison toĀ laying side to side with a woman.
At the end of the day, we are all going to get burned one way or another. Iām still learning how to be okay with that. Just because someone chooses someone else over you, for reasons beyond their control, doesnāt mean they donāt appreciate you for what you gave them. Ā And just because it doesnāt work out with someone, doesnāt mean thereās not others out there that it will.
I may have felt in moments that certain people took the easy way out, even myself at times, but who am I to decide whatās best? Your identity is uniquely yours and you should be able to explore however you wish, my only advice is be as transparent as possible with those you are intimate with regarding whereĀ youāre at on your identity journey.
Getting rejected sucks for everyone but getting rejected for something you were taught to suppress, can sting a lot deeper.