Burned by a Woman

The first time I had sex with a girl was unplanned, clumsy, and awkward. We were mutual friends and one thing led to anotherā€¦ sober hands grazing my breast, a kiss with tongue, sharp fingers and awkward body movements. Somehow we both managed to cum.

I realize now I have always been attracted to women, but had previously rationalized all crush-like feelings as a product of alcohol-induced intimacy; thinking I was kissing girls at parties to impress boys, it never occurred to me that I might actually be kissing girls because I wanted to.

Since then, Iā€™ve had my fair share of sexual rendezvouses with women but Iā€™ve never dated one. Only now at 23-years-old, am I sitting down to analyze… why?

Itā€™s not as if Iā€™m more attracted to boys than girls, but I grew up in Catholic household that only offered me one image of what a couple should look like. To be frank, dating men was what I knew and what wouldnā€™t upset the people around me, so I took the more comfortable route. For as long as I remember, I have been conditioned to know what a man wants: be polite, cross your legs, take up little space. Since middle school, Iā€™ve known how to flirt. I can walk into a bar with the confidence that I can get a man to look at me or buy me a drink. Those feelings tend to dissipate in the presence of a woman. The uncertainty can be invigorating and exciting, but itā€™s also nerve wracking as hell.

To ease myself into this unknown territory, I began hooking up with a couple. I was more interested in her, but he provided a level of familiarity that helped me explore my other inclinationsĀ more freely. I knew my way around the bedroom with a man, but figuring out how to please a woman? I felt like I was 15 all over again. Weā€™d all fool around, but it became increasingly evident I just wanted to be with her. Before I could vocalize my desire, things got messy.

The couple broke up. She and I remained close, but kept it platonic and both started dating other men. A few months and women later we found ourselves in the same city again, so I asked her out. But with neither of us owning labels like ā€œbiā€ yet, my flirtations wouldnā€™t always land. We had been interpreting romantic behavior with men for years, but when it came to the same sex, my advances would get lost in our friendship. This all came to head one night.

We went on what I thought was a date; Italian and expensive wineā€”how much more obvious could I get? Everything seemed to be going well, until she had a guy she was hooking up with pick her up. I looked at her and I said, ā€œIf I was a man, you wouldn’t have done that. You would have waited till you got home for whoever to come over.ā€ She said she thought we were just friends.

I didnā€™t know at what point we fell off the same page, but in hindsight I realize neither of us knew how to romantically communicate with the same sex. Soon after, she started dating that guy who had picked her up.

Fast forward to the end of summer, I met someone else. We started seeing each other, and while we werenā€™t exclusive, it was more than sex and definitely the most intimate Iā€™ve ever been with a woman. Around the same time I met a boy who inconveniently appeared at a party she and I were attending. One drink lead to another and I ended up kissing him in front of her. I stopped myself and ultimately went home with her. But itā€™s ironic how quick I was to repeat the trajectory that had hurt me just a few months prior. She headed back to college and I began dating that guy for two years.

The more I think about it, all the women Iā€™ve been with have previously dated men. Iā€™ve been led on by women only to have them choose a man over me, and Iā€™ve been with women and chose a man over them. Is this preference merely personal, or at the end of the day, are we socialized to choose a side?

Iā€™d like to think that every time Iā€™ve chosen (or been passed over for) a man itā€™s been because of the individualā€”but maybe there are bigger cultural forces at play. Heteronormativity is easier and perhaps on some level Iā€™m scared to actively pursue a different lifestyle; scared of the unknown or of losing my level of comfort in a world that favors normative people.Ā Some mornings when I would wake up next to my boyfriend, I wondered what it would be like to wake up next to softer skin. When I touched his broad shoulders, I thought about the curves that felt distant. I hate how much more comfortable I felt spooning with him in comparison toĀ laying side to side with a woman.

At the end of the day, we are all going to get burned one way or another. Iā€™m still learning how to be okay with that. Just because someone chooses someone else over you, for reasons beyond their control, doesnā€™t mean they donā€™t appreciate you for what you gave them. Ā And just because it doesnā€™t work out with someone, doesnā€™t mean thereā€™s not others out there that it will.

I may have felt in moments that certain people took the easy way out, even myself at times, but who am I to decide whatā€™s best? Your identity is uniquely yours and you should be able to explore however you wish, my only advice is be as transparent as possible with those you are intimate with regarding whereĀ youā€™re at on your identity journey.

Getting rejected sucks for everyone but getting rejected for something you were taught to suppress, can sting a lot deeper.