My initial relationship with porn was both complex and straightforward. In a sexually repressed household, it was my dirty little secret. It was my sheepish form of rebellion against the image many people had of me as an innocent little girl. It was liberation and my chance to truly feel like an adult. Most importantly, it was fun as hell to explore.
Point blank, I knew what porn was to me. I knew that the sight of it turned me on, and that was the entire point. With an anxious mind that over-analyzed everything else, I found solace in being able to finally take something at face value. I’d been single my entire life (with some “sort of” flings in between), so my perception of porn was consuming. Though I hadn’t gotten past the outward shame to casually talk about my porn preferences, I’d become confident in what porn was to me, and how I could use it to my advantage. That is, until I turned 21.
At that age, I not only got into my first long-term relationship, but I also lost my virginity. Through being exposed to the wants and needs of another person, I had to learn to see porn through a few new lenses. It was intimidating as hell.
Not long into the relationship, I learned that my partner watched porn as well. I remember feeling incredibly hurt and betrayed. If my partner loves me and is satisfied with our sex life, why would he feel the need to still use this, I’d ask myself. I wanted to know what I wasn’t giving him that these beautiful, busty women with pretty vaginas in porn videos were (other than those exact things). Was this his way of experiencing what he ACTUALLY wanted?
I cried and felt almost cheated. My self-worth plummeted under the assumption that porn stars could replace the love my partner and I shared. I felt weighed down by doubts no matter how I twisted and turned the situation in my head. Eventually, I knew I couldn’t handle it alone anymore. So, I talked to my partner about it. Thankfully, my partner was open and glad to admit he watched porn and talk about why. Through listening to his explanations, I realized that he watched it for the same reasons I did. The only difference was that I was confident in why I watched it, and insecure in why he watched it. I wondered why that was.
After some time of self reflection, I realized that I had something mistaken. I was viewing love and attraction as one and the same. Honestly, I couldn’t blame myself, either. We live in a society where those completely separate feelings are oftentimes placed in the same package. Guys and girls alike can be willing to get down on their knees and confess their love to people they barely know solely because they find them attractive. But contrary to popular belief, this does not make people inherently “selfish” or “shallow.” To some degree, attractiveness is what we all look for, especially in romantic relationships. Each of us finds unique things attractive, from looks to interests. There’s always something we initially notice about a person which draws us in, or maybe sexually arouses us. It’s not always something we can help.
Attraction can only carry people so far, though. If there isn’t love, companionship, trust, vulnerability and honesty, a relationship stands the risk of either failing or remaining two-dimensional. Attraction only serves as an initial pique of interest, but love suggests a sustainability and true connection. I had to remember that my boyfriend felt both for me, and that was more important than what he got off to.
Learning this difference helped me talk to my partner about the decision to use porn in the bedroom. I was, of course, still a bit nervous about it. However, as he watched it while I went down on him one night, all that mattered was how turned on he got. Thankfully, I’m empathetic in sexual arousal, so sensing his lust only heightened the experience for me.
Porn has spiced up our already fulfilled sex life, and has given us more options in what we can use in foreplay. More importantly, it’s made us a lot more open about everything that turns us on and why. That open communication has lead not only to us being more in tune with each others’ bodies, but also to a strengthened bond and a deepened trust. I’ll be completely honest and add that I do sometimes still have moments where I feel inadequate in comparison to the porn stars we watch in the bedroom. Unless I fully wipe out my personal insecurities, I don’t know if that uncertainty will ever fully go away. However, I feel comfortable opening up to my partner when I do feel any discomfort, and this communication has continued to help immensely.
In being open-minded about porn, I’ve now been given the privilege to learn early on what most still struggle to come to grips with: attraction is what turns us on initially, but love’s what keeps us turned on for the long haul.