Twelve months ago I made a pretty big decision. I decided I would not date for a full year. I know what you are wondering: why close yourself off to meeting someone completely? And if you know me well, then you must be thinking: but don’t you facilitate a story-telling collective all about dating?
It wasn’t until last summer that I realized I had long been using dating as a way to fill the voids of myself. Though I had mostly relished in my single status the last few years, I often felt myself being pulled by men who offered me glimmers of happiness instead of finding that within myself first. After a breakup, a death in my family, a major surgery, a toxic roommate, and an attack by a dog on the street (yes, that actually happened!), I realized it was time to refocus my energy inward and work on accepting myself on my own for an extended period of time.
Following all that trauma, I started seeing a therapist and learned I’ve been living with mental illness, which made it difficult for me to find peace within myself. And these struggles had long extended into my dating life. Realizing this was difficult as I looked into my past and discovered patterns and explanations for so many of the hiccups in my dating trajectory: there were countless times I used sex as a way to communicate with my partners because I never fully felt comfortable saying what was really on my mind. And while my anxiety kept me from speaking up about my needs time and time again, my codependency had caused me to do things I didn’t always want to do all because I felt a desperate need to be liked. Frequently, I got swept up in the idea of someone, and prioritized partners over me instead of figuring out what I truly needed because I was so used to putting everyone’s needs before my own. There’s a reason the partners I previously picked never stuck around—I can now see many of their shortcomings as a mirror of my own.
Though I’ve taken dating breaks in the past, I decided this one would be different. I’d fully commit myself to aloneness for an entire year. In other words no dating apps, no dates, no sex, no flirting, no nothing. I’d focus solely on healing myself and making strides towards my personal goals. This also means I would live a life in which I would no longer be vying for the attention of men. Now that I think about it, I’ve been trying to get their attention since I hit puberty. That’s at least 16 years of dressing or acting a certain way in order to attain the attention or validation of a man so that I would feel “complete.” Whoa.
Initially, my decision elicited mixed reactions from those around me—many of my female-identifying friends responded with the question: but what if you meet someone worthwhile, then what? While my guy friends reacted as though it were no big deal. It’s interesting how men and women perceive aloneness differently. As time went on, people asked less and less about my relationship status and dating life, just as I began to care less and less myself. Over time, I came to see myself as a full and thriving human being, regardless of my singledom.
As my year of aloneness ends, the past twelve months have acted as my own little revolution against the patriarchal ways in which society has told women that singleness is unattractive and aloneness is undesirable. In spending quality time focusing on self-care and establishing more independence, I have learned that I don’t need anyone but myself to feel worthy or valid.
These days, I think less about how I look or how attractive I am in the eyes of men, and instead, have given myself more quality time to hang out with my thoughts and feelings. It’s been a refreshing exercise in letting myself be quiet and more in touch with my needs.
While I would still love to find the right partner someday, I don’t worry as much about being alone forever. Recently, I told my therapist how little I crave a relationship and how fulfilled I feel on my own. She says this is the perfect time to get back into dating and practice everything I’ve been working on: establishing autonomy, exercising boundaries, and managing my anxiety.
Wish me luck!