Ghosting

The term “ghosting” is a relatively new expression, even though, I’d imagine that people have ghosted one another for centuries. Ghosting is when you’re being led on by someone, maybe going on a few dates, maybe hooking up, maybe having sex, maybe even dating and then boom, they disappear. They don’t text you or respond. And perhaps the worst part, is they don’t give you an explanation. It’s as if everything you had wasn’t there in the first place. And trust me, having been in this situation myself, I’m then quick to question if what I had with the person was real. Or did they just want to hook up with me, and then once they did, they dipped out– the ultimate player move.

According to a poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post, respondents ages 18-29 were more likely to admit they’ve ghosted or been ghosted more than any other age group. It’s extremely common, and I’m sure we’ve all partaken in either side or at the very least know someone who has.

Living in New York City, I can see a guy and then have zero possibility of ever seeing him again, unless we make plans. Given how large this city is, it’s not like I’m going to run into him at some college party. I wanted to share my personal experiences in order to help anyone out there who has gone through a similar situation. I also wanted to share this because I’m sure there are girls out there who think my life is some perfect little dream but in reality this shit happens to me, as well.

I’m going to be very open now and play devil’s advocate on myself: sharing stories of when I’ve been ghosted and when I myself have ghosted someone else.

Why people ghost?

People ghost for million of reasons, but for the most part they do so in order to avoid their own emotional discomfort and they don’t have another person’s feelings in mind. Basically, people who ghost are selfish. And I only say that because I myself have ghosted. You are only watching out for your wants and needs, and you’re not thinking about anyone else’s. Also, if you have minimal social connection to someone– whether you met them online, or they’re in an entirely different social circle– that makes it seem as if there are less consequences of essentially dropping someone. It’s really important to understand that the person who is ghosting is doing it because of THEM, not you. Sometimes, they’re having cold feet of commitment. Sometimes they straight up lied to you to get what they want, which was sex, after which they want out. Most people ghost because they don’t have the courage or maturity to talk out their feelings, so instead they just ghost. Other people ghost because they’re scared things are getting more serious than they anticipated, and instead of communicating, they choose avoidance and simply dip out. It’s funny how quickly and what length people can rationalize and justify ghosting, but then when it happens to them, it’s like the end of the world. So personally, I think a lot of it has to do with ego.

Why have I ghosted?

I’m not going to sit here and pretend like I’m some saint and have never ghosted. I’ve definitely ghosted a good amount of people. But I can explain my reasoning behind each and every one. So that maybe next time this happens to you, you can get some insight into what the other person was thinking. Earlier this year, I went on a few dates with this guy, I wasn’t really interested in him physically. I didn’t want to hook up with him but I enjoyed his company. And to be honest, I probably gave him the wrong idea. I was a bit flirty but that’s a big part of my personality. And after the second date, he tried to kiss me when he dropped me off at home. And I ducked my head and it made me super uncomfortable. When he texted me the next day, I didn’t respond. And when he kept texting me, I kept ignoring him. I had ghosted him. I felt bad, to just be upfront and say, “Hey I’m not interested in that.” But I thought it was easier to just ignore him. And funny, I’ve never really thought about it because realistically we only went on two dates. But I’m sure it hurt his feelings and his ego.

Another time I ghosted, I was seeing this kid for a second (not exclusively) and then I was out and about with friends and ran into this guy and, wow, we just really hit it off. I started hanging with the new guy and in return I just sort of ghosted the other one. And he would still text me and sometimes I would run into him and it was definitely awkward, but I simply couldn’t bring myself to saying “Hey, I found someone that I connect with more than you.”

What have I learned?

If there’s anything I’ve learned from ghosting others, it’s that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the person ghosting!! I never ghosted these guys out of malicious intent. I did it because I was no longer interested. I didn’t want to continue to lead someone on. Everything I did to the people I ghosted, I did because of what was going on in my life. I met someone new, I didn’t want commitment. It was the selfish and easy way out. And as someone who preaches about open communication, I confess that I’ve definitely had my own issues with it.

When it happened to me:

I have a few different stories to share of me myself getting ghosted. What I thought, how I’ve analyzed the situation. Some of the guys or girls, I’ve talked to again much later on and they explained their reasoning. Or I guess, a lot of my insight has come from myself having done it too.

I’m not sure if this is the typical ghosting definition. But I was seeing a guy this year on and off for around 4 months. And as things started to get “more serious,” he became visually less interested. It’s not that I wanted a relationship because being single is very important to me. And I have barely enough time to keep up with friends. But, when we took things to the next level, he disappeared. And I guess this isn’t your typical ghost story because I know for a fact if I texted him, he would respond. But why would I? He got what he wanted out of me and then dipped. And it happens more and more these days. And what’s frustrating, is there’s really nothing you can do about it.

I’m trying to think the flip side of it, although most of the guys I have ghosted were not serious at all. I certainly ignored them (hardcore) and that must of hurt. I know when this happened to me, I spent a few days wondering if I had said or done something wrong. How could someone tell me they care about me, really like me, then just not hit me up again?

Another time I was ghosted by an ex-boyfriend of mine (you can read my article on this.) But basically we were speaking again, things were going great. He told me he loved me, missed me. He invited me to come visit him. Then, boom, out of nowhere blocked me on everything. And when I saw that, I was really upset. How could someone who I was emotionally invested in and was just telling me all this stuff, just all of a sudden decide to block me? Anyways, I know this person really well so I’m able to analyze the situation pretty easily, but just because you know why they do it, unfortunately doesn’t make it hurt less.

How does it feel?

Above all, it makes you feel disposable. Essentially ghosting is cutting off communication without an explanation. It makes you feel used and disrespected. ESPECIALLY, as a woman, if you’re sexually involved with someone. If it’s only been a few dates, it can be frustrating but pretty easy to get over. But if you’ve been ghosted by someone you’ve been romantically involved with or sexually involved with for a period of time, it can be downright traumatic. When someone we care about disappears without an explanation it can feel like we are being betrayed, abandoned or played.

Why does it hurt so much?

Ghosting is the ultimate rejection, and social rejection activates the same pathways in our brains as physical pain. So no, you’re not being dramatic when it hurts because sometimes it really does and it’s out of our control. The worst part, is that you don’t have an explanation. So it’s easy as humans to think of a million reasons or excuses for the other person’s behavior. We may overplay things we think we did wrong, “if only I had done this.” We also tend to be in denial and think “oh they’re busy and will give me a call.” Anything to not accept the fact that, God forbid someone might not be into us. Self-questioning is the result of our basic human desire for understanding our social standing. As humans we have self-esteem and when these events occur they have the ability to lower our feelings of self-worth, thinking we aren’t good enough for someone else. And therefore we aren’t good enough at all. It’s important to remember we are all different. And people vary in their self-esteem levels already, so while ghosting might not affect a friend of yours, it might affect you much more.

Ghosting is giving someone the silent treatment. It’s a passive aggressive — albeit common in 2016– way of dealing with relationships and interactions. And it’s pretty unhealthy. It leaves zero opportunity to ask questions or gain information that might help process a situation. It suppresses your emotions. When we are ghosted, we don’t know how to act, largely because we don’t know what happened.

How to deal with it:

All in all, it’s their problem not yours. When someone ghosts you, it has nothing to do with you or your worthiness but instead says everything about the other person. I could have spent weeks upset over the guy who essentially lost interest in or ghosted me, even though we were a lot more involved than just a few dates. But then I think about it, and I’m like wow he’s an asshole, and that’s his problem not mine. And also, why would I want to waste my time with someone who clearly isn’t that interested in me? I just kept reminding myself, we had good times, and it ended, and that’s chill. And that’s life, and a new, better fitting person will come along.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is next time you get ghosted, try to think about it with the perspective that everything happens for a reason. And someone you connect with more is going to come along one day. And in the meantime, you can work on yourself. You don’t need a man. You don’t need a woman. You just need yourself!

Also, most of the time people ghost because they don’t have the courage or matureness to actually deal with the situation at hand or their emotions. And, instead of confronting things and being honest, they just disappear: In my opinion it’s pretty selfish and cowardly.

People who ghost either don’t understand the impact that it has on others or worse than that, they don’t really care. Basically, ghosting is another way of saying, “hey, I don’t have what it takes to have a mature, healthy relationship with you.” Always try to look at the bigger picture. Don’t get petty. Remain dignified and calm and collected. You are absolutely allowed to be upset, but I would just try to swallow your pride and move on. Trust me, there have been moments where I wanted to call him and be like “WTF” or, honestly, punch a wall, haha. But I’m not going to allow someone else’s immature and bad behavior to change me for the worse. I take that energy and I put it into this blog and all the things I’m working on. And trust me, it has paid off! You only want to be with someone who truly respects you and likes you for who you are. The person who ghosted you wasn’t your match, and that’s totally okay. Your match is out there, I promise.